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Original poster

I am SO fed up with todder politcs. Kids hit. They wind each other up. Its life.

194 replies

Fonk · 04/03/2007 08:01

We as parents sort it out and discipline as we feel best for the kid.

Sometimes this will not be in front of everyone. I am not going to scream at my 3 yo because it gives a middle aged woman with a sobbing PFB sactisfaction. I will discipline in my own way, in my own time. I know what works for my kid.

It doesn't mean we don't care.

What really really gets me, more than anything, is when this translates into bad feeling between parents.

IME, when a kid hits another, the parent of the hitter feels like crap and they actually could do with a bit of support too. not so much a whispering campaign.

And it is exhausting

oh I hate soft play and am in a foul mood, and don't get why this week, as soon as I spend a second with dd, ds has to whack the nearest older girl in a frilly dress with a bouncer father. Actually I do but-aargh

(its filly btw.)

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Original poster
Fonk · 04/03/2007 08:03

(sorry, the "actually I do" was a rather unfortunate type)

OP posts:
MrsApron · 04/03/2007 08:07

ita.

parrent of a current hitter - it is foul. i think some people aren't happy unless the one who hit is reduced to tears, not necessary imo.

franke · 04/03/2007 08:09

I sympathise - it is exhausting. You're right, they all hit and get hit at some point. I'm not saying it's okay, but it's fact. He's 3 ffs - people seem to have forgotten, or never knew in the first place what 3 year olds are like. There not meant to behave like responsible little adults, 'COS THEY'RE KIDS.

OMG I'm about to start ranting....

What's a PFB?

sunnywong · 04/03/2007 08:09

what's PFB?

I agree to a certain extent, certainly with soft play areas, you may as well feed race horse steroids and amphetamenes to children in place of all those bright colours and ladders and tunnels and as for the ball pit? Don't throw the balls? WTF else are little boys meant to do with them?

franke · 04/03/2007 08:10

They're

Original poster
Fonk · 04/03/2007 08:13

ueah I think thats it

am not saying hitting is ok but

a. they do pretty much all do it, I'm sorry. and those who don't exhibit other crap behaviour. because they're little and asocial.

and

b. just cos a 2 yo hits, s/he is NOT evil. S/he does not deserve to be reduced to a gibbering wreck for the edification of watching mums.

S/he is a small kid who has made an unfortunate mistake.

OP posts:
liath · 04/03/2007 08:15

Dd is always getting pushed or hit at soft play, doesn't bother me in the slightest & always feel sorry for the poor parents becuase they get into such a stress apologising. I usually say "Oh she gives as good as she gets" - if I didn't like it happening I'd keep her at home...

sazzybee · 04/03/2007 08:16

Do you say anything at all at the time? Or do people expect you not to just admonish but reduce to a sobbing wreck? How weird.

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 04/03/2007 08:17

The thing with childrne, especially toddlers is that the discipline needs to be immediate. It's not effective to wait until later. They are like dogs in the sense that they can only relate the punishment to the crime if it is done straight away.
Personally if a child hits another, especially in a public area I think it is only polite for you to be seen to be reprimanding that child. I hate it when a kids hurts any of mine and their parents either don't react or aren't SEEN to be reacting.

katierocket · 04/03/2007 08:18

Agree that you have to tell them off straight away though - you can't wait utnil later.

Original poster
Fonk · 04/03/2007 08:21

I really don't want to turn this into a "how to discipline kids" thread. I have 2 toddlers, I know what works for them.

they are all different and we are all different.

OP posts:
misdee · 04/03/2007 08:23

nearly all kids hit.

sazzybee · 04/03/2007 08:26

If you just ignore it completely, I can understand why people might get a little peeved. I don't think you should reduce your kid to a gibbering wreck but if you don't say anything, it looks very much like you're condoning it. I'd be pissed off if I were the other parent tbh.

Original poster
Fonk · 04/03/2007 08:31

"Personally if a child hits another, especially in a public area I think it is only polite for you to be seen to be reprimanding that child. I hate it when a kids hurts any of mine and their parents either don't react or aren't SEEN to be reacting. "

I really disagree with this, tbh. I think its at the root of my whole annoyance. (though at least you are being honest!

Kids shouldn't be disciplined cos it makes other adults feel good

They should be disciplined in the way that means they are least likely to repeat the misdemeanor, but while maintaing respect for them as kids, rather than psychopaths.

OP posts:
sunnywong · 04/03/2007 08:33

Well you do have to be seen to be doing something, I very rarely do more than stand up and look in the direction of the fracas. It would take blood drawing and eye gouging to get me off my arse at a soft play but then I 'm on little boy number 2 so am somewhat jaded.

But yes it is annoying Fonk/Filly I do know exactly what you mean.

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 04/03/2007 08:34

But Fonk, if your children hit one of mine and you did nothing I would be angry with you. My children would see a child being allowed to get away with anti social behaviour and that can't possibly be an ok thing to happen can it? It shows disrespect to both the parent and injured child.
I don't think the offending child should be reduced to a sobbing wreck at all, however, they should be punished then and there. Doing it later is not as effective, if atall.

indiajane · 04/03/2007 08:38

Do you appologise yourself then to the parent of the child that's been hit - or even to the child him/herself?

I think if you apologise and explain that you will discuss it with your child later then all should be fine

TinyGang · 04/03/2007 08:40

Why is the age of the woman (ie middle aged)or the fact that its a 'PFB' (I assume that means precious first born) relevant?

Also 'psycopaths'? That's a strong word to use.

Agree with Sazzybee's post.

Yes, all kids do wrong and that may include hitting. If you do wrong then that needs to be pointed out at the time. No need to turn anyone into a gibbering wreck.

I'm sensing the other childs mother had some sort of go at you about this. Is that it?

Jimjams2 · 04/03/2007 08:48

Oh Fonk I agree- my eldest has SN- can't talk- he avoids other children especially if unfamiliar, so if he hurts another one it's because he hasn't even noticed that they're there/it's completely accidental- and yet I've found myslef saying "say sorry" to him before (he can't talk FFS , sorry? If he said sorry it would be nothing short of a miracle).

If he behaves inappropriately he needs a very specific response, which does not incude shouting (not precious about him- but he loves being shouted at and decides that anything that leads to shouting must be a very fun thing to do again).

And most of the time I can't stand and discuss his behaviour with someone, apologising on his behalf, because he's off and needs someone right next to him - especially in a busy place like soft play- doesn't respond to his own name, so lose him and he's gone. Unless we're somewhere enclosed, small and quiet discussion with anyone is out of the question.

With the other 2, I would say something, but definitely not going to go overboard at 2 year old ds3 shoving another 2 year old in a perfectly normal 2 year old fashion.

Original poster
Fonk · 04/03/2007 08:50

I don't get why adults who have had a lot of life experience (ie "middle aged") are so concerned about whether a child less than half their size has been suitably punished.

my god, my kids are exposed to enough parenting that I don't agree with at soft play. Such is life.

Ds doesn't normally hit. This week he has been getting sick and lashing out (oh before you pile in I took him to soft play BEFORE I realised he was sick).

I am seeing life on the other side now, as a parent of a kid who lashes out and jesus it is shite.

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Jimjams2 · 04/03/2007 08:52

THE PFB thing is relevant because when you have a 2 year old 5 year old and 7 year old you're used to seeing a 2 year old get squashed. I used to freak if a 3 year old hovvered near ds1 as a 2 year old imagining all sorts of trips to A&E, now see ds3 lying in a pile of older children as having fun (tbh generally have to protect the his siblings from him).

yellowrose · 04/03/2007 08:52

Depends on the degree. If DS (an only child, is that relevant ?) was whacked so hard he starts bleeding I wouldn't be pleased. I would not say anything to the child or parent, I never do, I simply remove DS from the scene.

I saw 2 mums shouting and screaming and being very very shall we say physical with their toddlers in the pool the other day because they kept jumping into the toddler pool, very close to the heads of infants. One mother with a baby had a go at one of them and this just made the mother shout at her son even more.

I felt very sorry for the 2 little boys. To me it looked like the mothers needs some parenting classes because they had absolutely no idea what to do with their 2 little boys. The shouting was making their boys and everyone else around who had to watch very miserable.

Jimjams2 · 04/03/2007 08:54

actually this thread i insteresting as its dawned on me that now ds1 is 7 and we're generally not around areas with small children life its a lot easier, because no-one freaks if he doesn't notice someone, and bumps into them, brining back lots of memories though!

Original poster
Fonk · 04/03/2007 08:57

yr-PFB is an attitude, not a condition. and a lot of the time its a GOOD thing, IMO

its when you go into near hysterics when a 3 yo kid puts their hand on your 4 yo's shoulder to have a quiet word (oh ffs, WHY ds must do that I do not know) and start shouting "your child is about to bite mine!" that it becomes a problem. IMO.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 04/03/2007 09:00

My DD (my PFB) has a number of friends that might hurt her when they play as they play rough a lot. If she get hurt, me or friend or both will go over, and seperate if needed. Child that is hit is asked to say sorry or give hug, check DD is ok and then off they go.
I dont think my friend(s) should reduce their kids to tears, or that a huge fuss should be made, but children do need to learn that its not an acceptable way to behave. Sometimes I feel bad for my friend, she gets herself in such a state over it and keeps saying sorry, but it doesnt worry, she doesnt have to say sorry, I know kids hit, one of the children went though a stage of biting. One of my friends found it very hard when a certain little girl kept hurting her DD everytime we got togther, not nice, but we all got over it.

Im sorry but can I ask why you dont deal with it there and then? Surely its better to have it dealt with quickly, rather than dragging it out later?
Just my opinion.

lIsa