Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

I am SO fed up with todder politcs. Kids hit. They wind each other up. Its life.

194 replies

Fonk · 04/03/2007 08:01

We as parents sort it out and discipline as we feel best for the kid.

Sometimes this will not be in front of everyone. I am not going to scream at my 3 yo because it gives a middle aged woman with a sobbing PFB sactisfaction. I will discipline in my own way, in my own time. I know what works for my kid.

It doesn't mean we don't care.

What really really gets me, more than anything, is when this translates into bad feeling between parents.

IME, when a kid hits another, the parent of the hitter feels like crap and they actually could do with a bit of support too. not so much a whispering campaign.

And it is exhausting

oh I hate soft play and am in a foul mood, and don't get why this week, as soon as I spend a second with dd, ds has to whack the nearest older girl in a frilly dress with a bouncer father. Actually I do but-aargh

(its filly btw.)

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
misdee · 04/03/2007 09:21

sazzybee, i have considered it. fortunatly she now tells people she is 4. the looks of shocks we get at times, and people saying 'no your not' to her. arrrgh!

she is in the largest sized uniform the nursery has, i make her wear the tops and jumpers as otherwise i get asked why she isnt at the primary school.

cant win!

batters · 04/03/2007 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pruni · 04/03/2007 09:22

Message withdrawn

lisad123 · 04/03/2007 09:27

PFBs LOL, hadnt heard that before (but only started posting a week or so ago). Does sound as if people assume your more protective of your first born, but surely we all had PFB's at one point!!

I had other problem, my friends DD bite my DD (6months at time), on the forhead and drew blood. It was at friends DD 1st birthday, I ended up in tears!!!

Lisa

FrannyandZooey · 04/03/2007 09:28

This is an interesting thread. Have been reading Alfie Kohn on saying sorry - not surprisingly he says that children should not be made to say sorry as there is no benefit in them learning to parrot the words before they actually feel remorse and there is some meaning in saying sorry.

I do have a lot of thoughts on this, but part of me feels that there is actually a useful skill in learning to say sorry when in fact you are not, really.

I feel in many tricky situations the quickest and easiest thing is just to say a fast sorry, however unrepentant you feel, and make your exit. I think I would defend teaching this to my children as part of useful coping skills for life. What do you think?

FrannyandZooey · 04/03/2007 09:28

(ps am not trying to say you should force your children to say sorry in this situation, Filly. Hope you know what I am gettng at)

chickentish · 04/03/2007 09:30

ds is a big lad, at 22m hes the same size as his cousin whos 3m older. however dn seems to take great joy in pushing him over, hitting him etc. and we are told that ds needs to toughen up, he's too gentle. i appreciate that they are children but they still have to learn that it is not acceptable behaviour

Fillyjonk · 04/03/2007 09:30

aw pruni

quick

{{{{hugs}}}}

he has a LOVELY name though...thats the main thing, surely

I HATE the whole thing re biting. I don't get why its such a big deal. Neither of my kids have ever bitten, thank christ, because it seems to be seen as the absolute cardinal sin of P/t groups.

I've had people warn me "oh x is a biter". ffs NO, he's a 2 year old.

FrannyandZooey · 04/03/2007 09:34

"I HATE the whole thing re biting. I don't get why its such a big deal"

I think because it causes a great deal of distress to both the bitee, parents and children watching, and can cause serious damage and scar a child

It is really rather frightening and unpleasant for everyone including the biter and the biter's parent. People shouldn't of course get shrieky, but it CAN be a big deal, can't it Pruni? I am sure you would back me up on that.

Fillyjonk · 04/03/2007 09:36

yeah thats kind of my approach, franny.

I feel ok about telling ds that he is required to say sorry. (he's 3.6). Its socially required.

dd-no. She's 20 months. She would have no understanding of it. Actually she can't say sorry yet, she signs it (ds was speech delayed and so still signs a bit-which has been kind of useful as dd has learnt too).

(so sometimes I tell people that she's signed sorry when she's been waving her arms about-which has backfired when they actually can sign)

The other issue though is that-hitting is hardly a premeditated action, its a loss of temper. If this continues, my strategy will be to work on anger management, tbh, I think a kid of 3 knows that hitting isn't ok.

MorocconOil · 04/03/2007 09:36

My now 7 year old went through about 2 years of hitting other children probably from age 3-5. He only seemed to do it with certain children we saw, and I suspected that those parents had labelled him negatively. I always felt under pressure to tell him off, for the sake of the other parents. It was really annoying and made meeting up with those people stressful as I was just waiting for him to do something wrong. I felt my parenting skills were being judged. With hindsight I should have just avoided those people. It feels like I spent alot of time falling out with my little boy for the sake of some adults I don't even see now.

He occasionally hit other children in soft play situations and I would always tell him off without making a big deal out of it, otherwise how would he have learnt it was wrong?

Now I know that some children do just behave like that, others don't and nearly all grow out of it. It's just annoying that everyone doesn't realise it.

FrannyandZooey · 04/03/2007 09:37

"I feel ok about telling ds that he is required to say sorry. (he's 3.6). Its socially required.

dd-no. She's 20 months. She would have no understanding of it."

Yes I can completely see your reasoning there.

misdee · 04/03/2007 09:38

if you go to my profil pics you can see the huuuge diffwerence in size between my dd2 and her cousin of the same age.

lisad123 · 04/03/2007 09:39

As a mum of a child who has been biten, to the point it drew blood, it is a big deal, because it bloodly hurts the poor kid.
I guess Im lucky, DD never bit at all, I might have to eat my words when number 2 comes in Oct! LOL

I hate hearing that too "X is a biter", terrible to label kids so young, maybe other parents thinks doing you a favor.
Lisa

Twiglett · 04/03/2007 09:39

if a child who has been hit does not see the hitter get admonished then its totally unfair

as long as the parent of the hitter deals with it in some way .. a talking to, a time out, taking them home, whatever .. then it is fine .. if the parent ignores it then its an issue

sazzybee · 04/03/2007 09:41

oh yes missdee - see what you mean! I can't believe people say 'no you're not' to her when she tells them she's 4. I've never met a child who says they're younger than they are! How ridiculous.

Caligula · 04/03/2007 09:41

I just don't go to these ghastly soft play centres. They were invented to torture parents. Problem solved.

I agree with F&Z, that kids have to learn to say sorry as a social skill- it's actually not always necessary to feel sorry. (Although obviously, it's preferable.)

I think there are two issues here. Disciplining your child and social intercourse with other parents. And the two being combined is difficult, but you can't ignore one in favour of the other, because on the whole they have an equal claim. Because as much as learning the discipline lesson, kids learn the social intercourse lesson by how you deal with it.

lisad123 · 04/03/2007 09:43

I agree with Soft play being terrible. I used to get pee'd when was in baby section with DD (baby at time) and older children come in a jump in ball pool and straight onto babies grrr, but guess thats another post!

lisa

lisad123 · 04/03/2007 09:44

HEHE at misdee's pic of her DDs and my DD! I forget my little one is so small! hehee

lisa

misdee · 04/03/2007 09:45

your dd isnt small, my dd is huge!!!

Twiglett · 04/03/2007 09:45

oh and if you don't expect your 2 year old to apologise when do you suddenly expect it .. when they're 3? 4? 5? .. like many things it is a gradual process .. if they know from an early age that certain behaviour is unacceptable then they get it earlier .. if they understand that hitting is unacceptable they stop quicker

and it is UNFAIR to the child who has been hit .. why shouldn't the parent be riled at you taking absolutely no action when you are setting up 'its ok for that child to hit' in their own child's head .. it makes no sense .. we're a community and our actions impact on others .. we are not islands

(am not talking about children with SN and I never jump to conclusions any more)

misdee · 04/03/2007 09:47

oh i made dd3 says sorry to dd1 the other day for whacking her round the head with a wooden train track. she said 'sow' and gave dd1 a hug. forgotton about that!

Fillyjonk · 04/03/2007 09:48

hmm

a lot of things can draw blood though

pushing kids over from behind, etc, spring to mind. ds used to have a friend who specialised in that, giving other kids , incl ds, nosebleeds. and he became a bit of a pariah.

At 2.

He was also funny and very bright and generally a lovely kid. Not good at sharing though. Probably cos he was 2.

I dunno. like I said, my kids have never bitten anyone, though they have been bitten. I have been bitten, by an adult, in a previous job. Also hit, kicked etc. I just don't get why its particularly bad. and don't like some parents becoming social paraiahs. Its ALL nasty.

and I think the key for me is to retain sight of the fact they are kids.

I'm going to stop using PFB actually, I don't think I like it either. It does seem to dismiss the concerns of first time mums and thats not nice.

Twiglett · 04/03/2007 09:48

The attitudes on this thread have unexpectedly riled me intensely

lisad123 · 04/03/2007 09:48

I think your DD is huge but my DD is small!! Are we sure about our gene pool! LOL, seeing my DH is taller than your DH!! Hehehe

Lisa