I am devastated and need help <BAD PARENT ALERT>

[dejags]

My DS1 (5.9) is a complex little chap and this morning I have realised that I am totally and utterly failing him. My heart is breaking and I just don?t know what to do. A bit of background:

DS has always been a very ?hard work? child. He talks incessantly and can be very difficult to guide. For example ? we tried to homeschool him last year when we were travelling around the world and it was a total disaster. He just wouldn?t listen, refused to acknowledge that he understood simple concepts (when we knew for a fact that he did). The homeschooling caused so much discord that we decided to give up and not do any schooling with him at all (he was only just five, so we weren?t too worried). Along with being ?hard work? he is incredibly affectionate, cerebral and grown up. He is very tall for his age (1.3m) and intellectually he more mature than his peers. He loves nothing more than to natter with grown-ups.

In the last six months DH and I have realised that our parenting techniques with our eldest child suck. We have tried various different things but nothing changes. On the face of it, DS1 is a happy, confident little boy. When you scratch the surface, he is a desperately insecure little boy. We decided to have him assessed by an Educational Psych, she didn?t tell us anything we didn?t really know about him, but her assessment of us as parents has shattered us (me in particular).

Essentially, DS is ultra dependant on me. This stems back to my PND and mine and DH?s unrealistic expectations of our little boy. We have been too hard on him, we expect too much of him and in doing so have had a really bad effect on his self-esteem and ability to do things for himself. DS feels that he is not good enough in particular for DH. We haven?t meant to be too hard on him ? we have only ever wanted the best for him. We lost sight of the fact that he?s a small boy who only sees our disapproval (we don?t disapprove of anything he does but he doesn?t understand that).

After this DH and I agreed that it was us who needed help and started counselling to help us with our parenting techniques. All good I hear you say.

Well DS1 started in Y1 at the beginning of the year. He has been doing fine on the academic side of things but the teacher says she is really struggling with his behavior. He is disruptive in class, talks too much and cannot concentrate on what he needs to do. As a result he is the only child in the class who has not made it onto the star-chart.

In line with the Psychs? advice, we have been telling him, that we don?t care about the star chart and that he should just try his best and reinforcing the fact that we love him and we are proud of him. His teacher is totally on board with this (she?s wonderful), but she cannot progress him onto the star chart because his behavior just doesn?t warrant it.

Yesterday he comes home and tells us how delighted he is to be on the star chart. This morning he didn?t want me or DH to come into school with him. With some gentle persuasion, he admits that he has lied and that he isn?t on the starchart after all. My little boy just sits and cries his heart out that he doesn?t want me to be cross with him. How have we got it so very, very wrong?

My DS thinks we think he is a failure at age 5. We don?t think this but I can see how our actions in the past may have led this little mite to having such a crap self-image. I am totally devastated and don?t know how to fix this.

On the one hand if I say nothing at all, it?s like I don?t care. On the other hand, if I say something, he perceives it to be pressure. This sensitive little soul is the light of my life, everybody knows this except him.

Sorry if you've fallen asleep but I needed to get this off my chest.

sorry about the comma's I typed this in outlook and cut and pasted it so formatting is all squonky.

Oh dejags - you are not crap parents. You have a little boy who may be an extra challenge but he loves you and you love him.

I have to say the thoughts of your DS being the only child in teh class not on the star chart SUCKS - as my DS would say. It is NOT motivating for him. Being ON the chart would possibly motivate him.

Have to go now - have a sick DS at home but will check back later.

Haven't got any advice I failed big time as Step-mum it's horrid horrid horrid when you realise what you've done. Big hugs, he is only young you have time to reverse your mistakes any fill him with confidence. Are you still getting support from the psychs? Have you asked him what he would like you to do with him etc do you know how to play with your child in a constructive way (can't think of the proper term for this sort of play but were you follow their lead etc)??? This sort of stuff can make them realise how much you value them. Don't be hard on yourself parenting is a very tough job x

Sorry to hear about this Dejags, I guess we all want to do the best for our children and sometimes things don't work quite as well as we expected.
The thing I apreciate here is that you know now what the problem is and have all the will in the world to solve it, I think that while you are doing the adjustments, things will get worse before they get better. But once you have passed through that things should be fine.

Thank you all.

I think for me, the big thing is, his perception of himself and us. He sees himself as being less than capable and even worse that we think the same.

Despite my reassurance this morning, I felt as if I was walking away from a very sad little boy when I left him at school. He was so disappointed in himself. What sort of way is this for a five year old to be?

We are working on practical ways to have fun together and will be continuing our counselling for the foreseeable future.

When I think of the things I have said to him in the past year I could just crawl into a ball. I was trying to be motivational, but with hindsight he just saw this pushy, over-zealous mother who was more worried about achievement than him.

Hmm, I don't think it was a good idea for the teacher to tell you your son was the only child not on the star chart. Especially if she knew you and dh are working on how you deal with your expectations of your ds. I know you have told your ds that the silly star chart does not matter, but it seems to have got way out of proportion in his mind.

Seeing this, surely the teacher could find something to give your ds the hope of getting a star soon? Any good asking if the teacher will agree to set your ds some specific targets - ie like stitting nicely on the mat for 5 minutes during reading time - to earn him that magic star?

But also, have you reminded your ds that as he does well in his academic work, he's probably got more achievement stars (or whatever your school gives) than many of the other children in his class? Perhaps the teacher could tell him this, too. And there is still plenty of time this school year for him to get on the behaviour star chart.

Sorry, have to dash, sorry you are upset. Hope you get some reassuring replies.

Dejags- such a sad post.
look don't beat yourselves up about the past, you cannot change it.

does the teacher have any chart for your ds which would show progress in a way similar to star chart, perhaps in a private notebook so he could at least get some semblence of achieving something tangible.

He is still very young- if you are consistent and calm and reassuring then it will reap positive rewards eventually, it may take a while, but it will happen
and pat yourself on the back for ownership of an issue many parents would fail to see.
Big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The star chart is a reward for overall good behaviour. Unfortunately he is such a chatterbox in class that he is too busy talking to listen to instructions, this in turn leads to him not completing his work.

It does seem harsh to me but I have spoken to the teacher and she reassures me that she would love to put him on the chart and will do so as soon as his behaviour warrants it.

I think I'll place another call to her today.

Dejags, don't be so hard on yourself. It will be a bit difficult to change the perception of your child if he can perceive you feel you are a pushy mum.

I think there's a time to put things behind you and start a fresh, this may well be one of this moments

I imagine this is very much as when you have a child who has not had much discipline during the time (not that this is the case but I'm using this example to illustrate my point), when you introduce rules and structure he will rebel about the status quo being altered even if that was not helping him, but after a time he will feel secure knowing what is expected of him and what is not.

Please give yourself some time to change and some time to your cild to appreciate those changes

You are very right Chandra. I suppose this morning I am feeling a little sorry for myself (and DS).

I feel so terrible, it's almost as if I am frozen into doing nothing for fear of getting anything else wrong.

Your analogy of implementing routine is a good one and I'll keep it in mind.

Rome was not built in a day.

Dejags, I have just had a little cry at your post beacuase a) the love you have for your little fellow radiates out and b) I could have written much of this post..

Oh and c) if you have failed your son, I am a monkey's scrotum!

My ds is 9, highly intelligent, and failing at school because of mild dyslexia/and his own eccentric take on the universe/attitude to school. He is also hyper-senisitive to any perceieved criticism and will no even attempt anything he thinks he might fail at.....he is always in trouble for talking too much and failing to concentrate, while managing to beat the socks of most kids when he is engaged by a particular subject.

You son sounds adorable, and just maybe his teacher doesn't appreciate how special he is. He is still very little to have learned all the 'rules' at school. (it's very hard for reception teachers - part of their job is to try and mould 30 5-year-olds into round pegs, so that they sit nicely into round holes throughout school. Squareish pegs pose a headache for them...
Keep doing what you are doing, pile on the positive praise, and talk to him (gently, lightly and when appropriate opportunities arise about the need to learn when it's ok to talk and when it's time to listen.
What you say about him trying his best is exactly what we say to our beautiful ds when he comes home in tears because (yet again) his pictures haven't made it onto the wall (he cannot draw due to fine motor control problems) or he only got 12 out of 20 in spellings (which took all week for him to learn..) .

I really want to know how fabulous you both sound as parents and to re-iterate how young he is. If you do feel that your parenting style has not been the best for him, don't beat yourself up about it - you've already started to change things. it's not that your style was 'bad' just needs fine tuning for your bright, sensitive, little man.
Hope some of this helps - it's almost as long as your OP!(and I didn't preview it, so it's probably garbled )

Dejags: Just very quickly, I don't understand about the star chart. Surely stars should be given at this stage for individual performance, not comparative performance. I hate the phrase, but it seems to me that your teacher should "catch DS being good" and give him a star. Could she not set the bar super-low for DS so he is bound to achieve at least that first star and then build on his confidence and enthusiasm from there? Any disgruntled complaints from his peers could easily be quashed by a competent teacher

I think I would ask for some other type of motivational tool for him.

A couple of the boys in DS's class are especially challenging and they have a smiley face/sad face notebook. Teacher fills it in with either smiley or sad faces for each day. Maybe your DS's teacher could try that for a couple of weeks and if after 2 weeks he has more smiley faces than sad faces he could get on main star chart?

I guess the practical approach is a place to start.

Find out exactly what sort of things warrant start chart acceptance - and then talk to him about them and help him work out strategies to achieve them (since it means so much to him).

At home - try and "accentuate the positive" - lots of praise for him doing well, but even more praise for him trying. Set little targets for whatever you are doing, something that is easily achievable - so that it boosts his self confidence and his belief that you think he is doing well. Remind him of the things he is good at. Talk to him about the things he finds difficult and work out with him ways to get round the problems. Talk to him about the things you find difficult and how you get round them. Show him that everyone finds some things difficult.

And for yourself - accept that your past approach may well have been brilliant for a child with a different personality - there was no way you were to know that it would work out lie it has. But now you do know you can work out different ways to do things.

oh - and work out some games where not winning or failing is fun - something you can play together and laugh when things go wrong.

Thanks Issymum - I'll chat to the teacher again (it's so hard, because the psych has spoken to the teacher and given her the report, the teacher knows we are classified as "pushy parents", so I don't want to seem as if I don't respect her).

FMV - thank you for your post. It makes me feel so much better to hear that we aren't the only ones. DS has been tested and is, on paper, very bright. His non-verbal IQ is particularly high, so he sounds very much like your DS. At this stage I couldn't give a toss about his IQ - and I truly mean that. I'd rather him be below average and happy.

@ your monkey's scrotum.

dejags. how amazing that you have been able to hear what the ed psyc has said without defending yourself from that painful knowledge by trashing it. Your little boy is lucky: he has parents that are willing to learn from their mistakes, do anything they can to rectify them, and who love him.

You haven't failed your son. Countless parents do when they do not acknowledge (or can't acknowledge) where they are getting it wrong....you have so much courage.

star chart at home that is prompted by things that your ds can attain???

And in terms of breaking a cycle, surely the teacher can find something that ds does to allow him a star....once he is no longer the child that can't get on the starchart, things can start to change for him?

My heart and my admiration really go out to you.

I'm sorry I can offer no advice from the parenting side of things. However, as a teacher I find it quite shocking that your little boy has not gained a star yet. Just how difficult is it to gain a star? It sounds quite unrealistic targets are being set.

I do not believe his teacher has been unable to praise hime for something. Even with the hardest child there is always something to praise.
Behaviour - sitting up nicely, putting up hand, running an errand, lunchtime manners
Academic - actually putting pen to paper, reading aloud, telling the class an interesting fact, going straight from the carpet to his activity.

If the teacher can not find anything to praise your child about then I'm afraid she is doing nothing to help the situation and as a parent I ould be .

Tell her to get her act together and FIND a reason to praise.

x posts with you issymum.

I have asked about what they need to do to get on the chart.

Sitting quietly on the mat.
Not chatting at table time
Finishing work

He is just not getting this at all. I have tried very gently to suggest that if he tried to accomplish one of these things just for one day then the start chart would follow naturally. I just don't want to give this life IYKWIM. He is so focussed on it already that he's failing

Oh and DH (bless him) has started our own chart at home (he is a SAHD).

It's a big piece of paper on the fridge which says:

Try my best - DS gets awarded stars just for trying i.e. a new food, helping to lay the table, listening on the first attempt. We don't seem to have too much problem at home - I just wish we could translate this to school.

rmember that he has missed a year of school, so will be a year behind with his understanding of the rules etc.
what games do you play with him? it sounds like he could do witha few to help with concentration, e.g. sitting at a table with one of you, do colouring together etc, and some just for laughs, e.g. hide & seek etc. also the idea of following his lead - we frequently end up being part of a 'train' and being led round the house/garden/supermaket by dd.

there was an interesting thing on one of robert winston's programmes, that children are most motivated by rewards for their effort, not achievement - could you try something along those lines.

i presume his teacher knows he mossed school last year? could you ask her to give him targets suitable for reception, not yr1? academically he can catch up later, but he needs some confidence boosting now

dejags, I think lots of children would have problems doing those three things for any length of time at that age. Please try not to be too hard on yourself, none of us do this parenting thing perfectly. I also think it is quite common when someone has had PND to feel guilty and blame that for any "issues" in their childrens life....

aahh bless, you are NOT bad parents you care so much for your little one-the fact that you are trying different things shows this!!

ps: i think i could or rather have (somewhere else)posted nearly exactly the same message as you.

have some quality cuddle time when ds is home from school