I am devastated and need help <BAD PARENT ALERT>

[dejags]

My DS1 (5.9) is a complex little chap and this morning I have realised that I am totally and utterly failing him. My heart is breaking and I just don?t know what to do. A bit of background:

DS has always been a very ?hard work? child. He talks incessantly and can be very difficult to guide. For example ? we tried to homeschool him last year when we were travelling around the world and it was a total disaster. He just wouldn?t listen, refused to acknowledge that he understood simple concepts (when we knew for a fact that he did). The homeschooling caused so much discord that we decided to give up and not do any schooling with him at all (he was only just five, so we weren?t too worried). Along with being ?hard work? he is incredibly affectionate, cerebral and grown up. He is very tall for his age (1.3m) and intellectually he more mature than his peers. He loves nothing more than to natter with grown-ups.

In the last six months DH and I have realised that our parenting techniques with our eldest child suck. We have tried various different things but nothing changes. On the face of it, DS1 is a happy, confident little boy. When you scratch the surface, he is a desperately insecure little boy. We decided to have him assessed by an Educational Psych, she didn?t tell us anything we didn?t really know about him, but her assessment of us as parents has shattered us (me in particular).

Essentially, DS is ultra dependant on me. This stems back to my PND and mine and DH?s unrealistic expectations of our little boy. We have been too hard on him, we expect too much of him and in doing so have had a really bad effect on his self-esteem and ability to do things for himself. DS feels that he is not good enough in particular for DH. We haven?t meant to be too hard on him ? we have only ever wanted the best for him. We lost sight of the fact that he?s a small boy who only sees our disapproval (we don?t disapprove of anything he does but he doesn?t understand that).

After this DH and I agreed that it was us who needed help and started counselling to help us with our parenting techniques. All good I hear you say.

Well DS1 started in Y1 at the beginning of the year. He has been doing fine on the academic side of things but the teacher says she is really struggling with his behavior. He is disruptive in class, talks too much and cannot concentrate on what he needs to do. As a result he is the only child in the class who has not made it onto the star-chart.

In line with the Psychs? advice, we have been telling him, that we don?t care about the star chart and that he should just try his best and reinforcing the fact that we love him and we are proud of him. His teacher is totally on board with this (she?s wonderful), but she cannot progress him onto the star chart because his behavior just doesn?t warrant it.

Yesterday he comes home and tells us how delighted he is to be on the star chart. This morning he didn?t want me or DH to come into school with him. With some gentle persuasion, he admits that he has lied and that he isn?t on the starchart after all. My little boy just sits and cries his heart out that he doesn?t want me to be cross with him. How have we got it so very, very wrong?

My DS thinks we think he is a failure at age 5. We don?t think this but I can see how our actions in the past may have led this little mite to having such a crap self-image. I am totally devastated and don?t know how to fix this.

On the one hand if I say nothing at all, it?s like I don?t care. On the other hand, if I say something, he perceives it to be pressure. This sensitive little soul is the light of my life, everybody knows this except him.

Sorry if you've fallen asleep but I needed to get this off my chest.

I agree with WriggleJiggle. My first reaction to your post dejags is to feel angry with the school. You certainly haven't failed and aren't failing ds as parents for all the reasons so eloquently stated by other posters here. As a parent in this situation my instinct would be to find a way to let ds know that school star charts are not about him being good/bad but about how well he is able to conform (obviously not put in that language!).

I'm sorry but I just don't understand his teacher at all. It is alwaays possible to 'catch' a child being good. Even with those who deliberately try not to be .

Btw I do think you come accross as pretty wonderful parents.

Greatbigsloppykiss - he was at the school for a full 18 months before we left (started in pre-reception at 3.5 yrs) so I am fairly confident that he knows about the school routine. In terms of academic, he is actually ahead of his peers.

Argh. You don't get a manual do you?

Dejags,
I feel for you I really do,I too have the same sort of problems with my very bright,mature but very sensitive Dd(6),the only difference being that instead of misbehaving at school she's very good and gets very upset when other children in her class misbehave,it's almost obssessional.

I admit because of her intelligence and maturity that I expect more of her than she is capable of,and I'm doing my utmost to rectify the causes and expand her confidence.I will watch this thread with interest and hopefully pick up some tips along the way.

My brother was also like this when he was at school,he was very sensitive as a child,at primary school.I remember one teacher criticising him endlessly and him coming home in tears,every day.In the end my mum went in for a chat with the teacher,as she was very concerned as my brothers confidence had hit rock bottom.After discussing the problems it turned out that the teacher thought that criticising him would 'spur' him on but it actually had the opposite affect,my mum suggested that instead of focusing on the negative the teacher praise my brother when he did something right,after about 3 weeks he was a different boy.It's a simple idea but worked brilliantly,and nowadays a common concept.Perhaps your Ds teacher could do the same,it may help improve the situation.

I hope things improve soon

Thanks again everybody.

I feel a little calmer about this now. Still not really any clearer about the long-term solution. We'll just stick to the low pressure, positive reinforcement approach and hope that things start improving soon.

As for DS's teacher. The more I read on here the angrier I am getting. My little boy is by no means an angel and I know it can be as irritating as hell when he constantly twitters on, but he is 5 FGS and he has so many lovely attributes (he ran up to her this morning and wished her a happy valentines day - enough for a star in my book). I have left a message for the teacher and will speak to her again about this.

Please do speak to her. Reading your threads made me so because it sounds as if you are doing EVERYTHING right, and the teacher - Arrrgggghhhhhh! Please remind her she probably sees your son for more 'awake' hours than you do, so if his perception of himself is going to change it needs her to be far more positive and understanding. I don't think it is unrealistic for you to set her the target of getting him on the star chart by the end of the week. And yes, I do realise it is Wednesday today!

As I read your story, I could not help but to weep - partly because I too have a little chap who is clearly devsated if he thinks I am cross with him

But....the most preciuos thing your little chap can have is love, and he is rich in that - with that surrounding him you and he will emerge - and that is the one thing no one else can give - treassure it and him, and please do not lose your confidence -

"As for DS's teacher. The more I read on here the angrier I am getting. My little boy is by no means an angel and I know it can be as irritating as hell when he constantly twitters on, but he is 5 FGS and he has so many lovely attributes (he ran up to her this morning and wished her a happy valentines day - enough for a star in my book)."

Hear, hear!

Good luck dejags

Funny you should mention confidence gpops. I am not the most confident person (on the outside I am but not in any real sense).

The Psych asked my DS to finish the sentence:

he finished the sentence

On hearing that it became clear as day that my lack of self-esteem has clearly left it's mark. We didn't have time to analyse this particular gem (but I was left with no doubt that this is not a healthy thought for a five year old to have about his mummy ).

I am trying to keep my chin up and not to be too hard on myself. But it is hard somedays.

i think that the situation with your being so-called 'pushy' parents has made you a bit frightened to push the teacher. the boy should be on the star chart, fgs, it's a motivational tool, not a stick to beat him.

she's in charge of it, she should be able to find one good thing that he's done. i'm glad you're getting pissed off with her.
your son sounds delightful btw, happy valentine's day to him too.

and bollocks to your being bad parents - i simply don't believe it. just for writing your loving OP i'm putting you straight to the top of the Mumsnet Good Parents Star Chart.

I am quite surprised, as his teacher knows he lacks confidence, that she hasnt found some reason to give him a star to at least get him off the ground.

All you can do is keep praising him and step back from the academic pressure at the moment, concentrate on his self esteem.

My DS is not a confident child but came out of himself more by doing an art club and swimming - I dont think he will ever be an over confident person he is naturally a worrier but he has come on leaps and bounds.

Feel very at the image of him fibbing about the star chart and crying.

I find it impossible to believe that he has not done one good thing all term. When he does, she should seize it, make a huge deal of it and get that poor boy on the star chart. Good God. What is she playing at? And star charts for 'general good behaviour'? You have to be specific with children surely?

I think you sound like amazing parents who are struggling.

You have a chatty mature child and he will grow into himself. He is struggling with being an older child in a young boys body.

So what if he chats and does not finish all his work -

Maybe you need to get a star chart for him so that he feels he is achieving something. TBH, I think the teacher is being a little mean not giving him a gently push up -

You sound fabulous and I am sure as your son grows older he will realise how fabulous you are,

Oh dejags, it is so hard when we care so much, and want so badly to get it right for our children.

Last year dd went through a small phase of chattering/not listening at school. Others were getting stars, and she wasn't, which devastated her.

We devised a method that perhaps helped her (or she may simply have matured and grown out of the phase). Anyway, every morning before school, I drew a little symbol on the front of her hand in pen. Whenever the symbol caught her eye during the school day, she could think of me and how much I love her, but also it would remind her to 'be good' - without having to be told by the teacher.

Would a similar visual 'prompt' help your ds stay focused?

Make sure you take a deep breath before having the conversation with the teacher, remember that at the start of this you thought she was doing ok - if you can, try not to be angry with her- she is only human and none of us respond positively to confrontation - you want and need her support, so give yourself enough time to be as calm as poss - make sure you pick a moment that is good for her - the hardest outcome would be for you to feel that you had lost her support - she sounded like a good teach at the start, work with the postitive...

Thank you Aitch - I thought you were cross me about the BLW thread the other day. Your post made me cry (again).

Cheers Beety - he has a star chart at home. In my heart I know you are right - he knows how much we love him - in particular me and him are very close. We just haven't managed to translate this into him being a confident little boy because our past behaviour has been so controlling and over-zealous. Hopefully, with the outside help we've enlisted, we'll start seeing some improvement on this soon.

Do you know what? I'm a bit sceptical about the psychologist (though I do know that severe PND can have effects on children) and I am VERY annoyed on your ds's behalf with the school. You might know that my ds has a diagnosis of Aspergers,and tbh, (though I'm not implying this is the case with your ds) he sounds an awful lot like your son. He is also highly impulsive, is very self-directed in his activities and hard to 'push' into doing things he doesn't want to do and yes, hard work. I wouldn't call my ds 'grown up' - he's quite a baby in some ways - but he is intelligent, academically inclined and eccentric. He's the kind of little chap you can envisage in a study or lab some way down the line, possibly with egg on his tie! He also suffers from anxieties which are very common with Aspergers - he is too scared to go to the loo by himself in the house even in broad daylight and hates to be cold, 'because I feel scared when I'm cold'.He is, in short, a sensitive little square peg. Now, I believe there are loads of children out there who would be best treated as if they had special needs. I'm lucky, my ds has a diagnosis, so I an (metaphorically speaking) bang on the desk and demand that my child is judged on his own strengths and weaknesses, not constantly compared unfavourably to other children.
Would it be reasonable for the teacher to withhold stars from all the other children because they haven't reached the same academic level as your son? Of course not! So why is their level of not talking the only goal to reach for? Would a child with a physical disability be refused a place on the school roll of honour because they couldn't walk fast, or, as I once said at my child's school, would you punish a blind child for bumping into thing? Maybe he literally cannot be as controlled as they are. Actually I would bet that compared to them, he puts twice the effort into being half as quiet. I think your son's teacher needs to stop bashing this square peg into a round hole. It's pointless. YOu don't end up with a round peg, you end up with a damaged square peg. She needs to give your son positive, SPECIFIC targets so he can get the bloody star. Eg, starting his work and making some effort or putting his hand up before talking. He's only FIVE. We aren't talking about handing out the Nobel Prize for Science here. She is making this a ridiculously big deal IMO.
As for you, well, what more can you do. Remember your child is an individual, not just your creation. Some children are more anxious and tentative than others. Some think more deeply. You can help him build his confidence. I'd find things he loves to do and give him opportunities to do them himself, even if it's just getting himself a drink or learning to ride a bike, or reading a book from cover to cover. Then catch him doing those things and say, 'Wow, you did that by yourself? A lot of kids your age couldn't do that." I think there is a way ot talking about things that isn't pressure and isn't saying nothing, and that's to comment on what he does factually and descriptively. ie 'Wow that was fast', with a huge smile. Or 'You've written that so clearly!'. Sometimes it can feel like pressure if your compliments are all about you - ie 'I'm really proud of you when you do X' or 'That makes me happy'. Instead maybe say, 'Bet you feel good about that' or 'You must feel very proud of that drawing'. (Bear in mind that I was incredibly grumpy with ds this morning and had to apologise to him - so this isn't a counsel of perfection by any means - no sirree!) And don't get downhearted. You are his role model and it would be great for him to see you grow in confidence and be cheery for him. I like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen as a book on communicating with kids. Oh, and your ds sounds lovely btw, so you must be doing something right, eh?

You could even say to him, 'I feel scared and not very good sometimes, but I know that I am really a nice person who is good at things, just like you are.'

Oh, Dejags

Your little boy sounds delightful, and the teacher sounds like she's misguided (I'm being charitable - want to pull her silly ears off).

Aloha, you've made me cry (nicely)

aloha, you have said what i was clumsily trying to say earlier, hear hear!!!

Aloha you are fab, I am so glad you came back .

xx

i used to do a drama activity where each child had to turn to the one next to them and say something nice about who they are, and something nice that they have done. sounds really stupid written down, but worked with cynical 15 yo, could you & ds start doint that each day, e.g. i love that you are so kind, and you have given me a cuddle?
also helps them to learn the difference between the person & the behaviour, so he kight realise he's a lovely boy, but just talks too much.
also think that the teacher needs to get him on the star chart - what about truning up on time, dressed corretly? aren't those achievements? i bet not every child in the school does that every day.

I have half wondered about this Aloha i.e. the AS but as I know so little about it, I have been hesitant to really consider it.

Having read your post carefully twice it has given me some very specific things to think about.

When we first saw the Psych, she asked us why we were there (without DS). We said, that felt that DS was different (wihout really knowing why). We said that we didn't understand him very well and we needed to find out if there was any reason why. He is a square peg.

He doesn't have any specific anxieties, but the Psych picked up a behaviour pattern which she links to an anxious response when is not able to achieve to expectation. In particular, she says that when he starts chattering incessantly, it's his way way of avoiding a situation where he may fail.

Your specific suggestions on how to interact with him are so insightful and appropriate - thank you.

Can you tell this is a subject close to my heart?

Dejags I was also going to suggest catching him when he improves at anything - eg, you know, when you used to write your name/ride your bike/get dressed I'm pretty sure it wasn't half as neat/fast/quick as you do it now. Just goes to show what happens when we practise, eh? We just get better and better at stuff - like you have." This is one of the few approaches that encourages my ds to stick at stuff he struggles with.

dejags, i think of MN like actors and affairs... what happens on location stays on location. so what happens on other threads stays on other threads. plus my shot-term memory is so shot to hell that i never remember who i've been having a discussion with...

i think aloha's advice is great as usual. when sometimes we'd get in a bit of a grump slump with each other, my dad used to say that we'd all to start the day byy saying something nice about the other. it really reminded me how much i loved him and how much he loved me but more importantly i'd see how much a compliment from me could cheer him and that he was a human being too. it really gave me an insight at a young age as to how our behaviour can affect other people's moods.

so he'd say, 'you're a good girl and you always try very hard even with difficult things' and i'd say 'you're a good dad who tries very hard to make playing fun' or somesuch and he'd say 'really? oh that's so nice of you to say, what a lovely compliment etc etc' and i think it gave me an idea of the good a compliment can do and also how to receive them iykwim?

maybe you could start or end your day with a compliment, cos it sounds like you could do with hearing it from your son as much as he could from you. (and that bloody teacher).