I am devastated and need help <BAD PARENT ALERT>

[dejags]

My DS1 (5.9) is a complex little chap and this morning I have realised that I am totally and utterly failing him. My heart is breaking and I just don?t know what to do. A bit of background:

DS has always been a very ?hard work? child. He talks incessantly and can be very difficult to guide. For example ? we tried to homeschool him last year when we were travelling around the world and it was a total disaster. He just wouldn?t listen, refused to acknowledge that he understood simple concepts (when we knew for a fact that he did). The homeschooling caused so much discord that we decided to give up and not do any schooling with him at all (he was only just five, so we weren?t too worried). Along with being ?hard work? he is incredibly affectionate, cerebral and grown up. He is very tall for his age (1.3m) and intellectually he more mature than his peers. He loves nothing more than to natter with grown-ups.

In the last six months DH and I have realised that our parenting techniques with our eldest child suck. We have tried various different things but nothing changes. On the face of it, DS1 is a happy, confident little boy. When you scratch the surface, he is a desperately insecure little boy. We decided to have him assessed by an Educational Psych, she didn?t tell us anything we didn?t really know about him, but her assessment of us as parents has shattered us (me in particular).

Essentially, DS is ultra dependant on me. This stems back to my PND and mine and DH?s unrealistic expectations of our little boy. We have been too hard on him, we expect too much of him and in doing so have had a really bad effect on his self-esteem and ability to do things for himself. DS feels that he is not good enough in particular for DH. We haven?t meant to be too hard on him ? we have only ever wanted the best for him. We lost sight of the fact that he?s a small boy who only sees our disapproval (we don?t disapprove of anything he does but he doesn?t understand that).

After this DH and I agreed that it was us who needed help and started counselling to help us with our parenting techniques. All good I hear you say.

Well DS1 started in Y1 at the beginning of the year. He has been doing fine on the academic side of things but the teacher says she is really struggling with his behavior. He is disruptive in class, talks too much and cannot concentrate on what he needs to do. As a result he is the only child in the class who has not made it onto the star-chart.

In line with the Psychs? advice, we have been telling him, that we don?t care about the star chart and that he should just try his best and reinforcing the fact that we love him and we are proud of him. His teacher is totally on board with this (she?s wonderful), but she cannot progress him onto the star chart because his behavior just doesn?t warrant it.

Yesterday he comes home and tells us how delighted he is to be on the star chart. This morning he didn?t want me or DH to come into school with him. With some gentle persuasion, he admits that he has lied and that he isn?t on the starchart after all. My little boy just sits and cries his heart out that he doesn?t want me to be cross with him. How have we got it so very, very wrong?

My DS thinks we think he is a failure at age 5. We don?t think this but I can see how our actions in the past may have led this little mite to having such a crap self-image. I am totally devastated and don?t know how to fix this.

On the one hand if I say nothing at all, it?s like I don?t care. On the other hand, if I say something, he perceives it to be pressure. This sensitive little soul is the light of my life, everybody knows this except him.

Sorry if you've fallen asleep but I needed to get this off my chest.

having your LO in to see you at work sounds really sweet! & very thoughtful - are you sure you're a bad parent?

The thing with this particular star chart is that it is so exclusionary. Basically all the kids were asked to provide a photo at the beginning of term. As and when they are well behaved their photo progresses along a line of stars - the child to reach the "top star" wins a prize.

So it would seem that my DS was the only child out of a class of 18 who had his photo on the non-starter wall for a few days - not a problem if he was not the only one but very hard for a little one to see the evidence glaring at him each time he goes in and out of the classroom. Not sure whether or not to broach this with the teacher - you have to get a point where you trust them and their methods.

I must say, I don't like the sound of that star chart. You say you like the teacher, why don't you have an informal chat with her about it?

She is lovely MamaG. Quite young but very energetic and committed to getting the best out of the kids.

I am hoping to actually make an appointment to see her out of normal school hours so we can chat. I have put off doing it like this because I didn't want to be a pain in the backside.

BTW - if you want to see what the little monster looks like, my profile is up and running for a short time only.

oh he looks great - good luck with teacher, let us know how you get on.

I would have a word with her, dejags.
I work in the reception class of a primary school & we reward the childrens achievments by choosing a child to be king or queen of the jungle each week.
Nearly every child in the class has had a turn of this, including our most challanging pupils, as they may get it for something that is a real acheivment for them, like not lashing out at any of their classmates for a whole week etc.
It is great to see their little faces when they are chosen.
One of our most challanging children actually has his own star system & now has a marble jar, where he gets to add or take away marbles depending on his behaviour (he gets them added for simple things like sitting nicely, having a good playtime etc) & if he has 10 marbles in his jar at the end of the week he gets a treat.
I am waffling a bit here, but what I am really trying to say is that IMO your DS
is having to work far too hard to get his sticker, and this may well knock his confidence.
His teacher, being young & quite new to teaching, just may be setting her standards a little too high, and not really realise. I think having a little chat with her would be a good idea.

Your DS looks gorgeous btw!

The teacher just called me and the conversation left me feeling uncomfortable.

I said (in a very nice way) that we were worried that the star chart was more important to him than his behaviour and told her about the episode this morning.

She says that he forgets his papers and doesn't do things properly and that he was playfighting in the classroom this morning. But, despite this, he did his work beautifully so she rewarded him with his first "rung". All lovely.

She then went on to say that she has to be very careful with this approach because the well-behaved children cotton onto this quite quickly. I got the impression that she had just given him a promotion to satisfy us.

She says she is now watching him to see if he has concentration problems rather than behaviourial problems and was quite dismissive when I referred to the Psychs' report.

The school is very pro medication. I am certainly not. She started mentioning diet - and I explained that we are careful with what he eats. I think she is moving towards suggesting medication .

I am at a loss as to how a five year old can be expected to behave 100% of the time and more importantly that the reward system in place is really starting to affect him (although I take full responsibility for my part leading up to this).

I have looked at the indicators of ADHD and I don't think he has this. He sleeps well, behaves beautifully at home, has respect for other people and is for the most part gentle (playfighting aside).

I feel as if we were on the same page and somehow we have been diverted and now I am really unsure what to do.

She has set him up on his own table (starting today). The classroom normally has four to a table. He has been excluded from this and I am not sure how I feel - on the one hand I am happy to know that he won't be distracting the other children, but surely this is another pressure.

This all just goes round and round. PFB syndrome or not?

when my ds1 first went to school and for the first years I was told that he never sits down, wanders around chatting. He got into trouble all the time.

He is now 13 and has grade 5 in three instruments etc etc....

I think the teacher should nto be comparing him to others adn I think she is misguided.

HIS OWN TABLE

I talked to ds1 teacher about this a wile back and she said that they never did this as it really was not the way to go.

Dejags, I haven't had time to read the entire thread, so forgive me if I'm repeating what others have said.

The mere fact that you feel this way immediately puts you out of the "bad parent" category. You are giving much careful thought and consideration to your son's behaviour and progress and reflecting on how you are affecting that shows how much you love him and want to do your best for him.

I agree with a previous poster, that the year out of school has probably put him at a little bit of a disadvantage (in the loosest possible sense) to the kids who have been at school or in playgroups for longer as they have had time to adjust to how they should behave in a group environment.

As long as you keep rewarding him and his teacher is aware how criticsm affects him, I can't imagine how he won't come out the other side of this school year a happier little boy than he is now.

Remember that children are more resilient than we imagine and do adapt to change - just some more slowly than others.

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. I'm sure he will respond well eventually. x

god I HATE hate hate star charts in hte HOME and would be LIVID if there was one at school. In fact I have often heard people talking about them at primary schools, or 'suns' and 'clouds' etc and would seriously consider taking my child out if our primary did any of this.

anyway, rant over. Have you considered finding a private tutor for him? dd1 suffers very much from lack of confidence (academically), also mildly dyslexic apparently. Anyway she has been (secretly) seeing a tutor since last term and it has made a huge difference in her school work - she is not as naughty and has been moved off the bottom table which has worked Wonders for her self-confidence. Just a thought.

I know Beety. I am trying to remain composed about this. Just seems like swapping one type of punishment for another to me.

Thanks TYG - as I mentioned before - he was in this school for the 18 months preceding the trip and did go back at the end of last year, so I am fairly happy that he is up-to-speed on school routine etc. He is also on-par if not ahead of some of his little friends when it comes to schoolwork.

Your children are lovely dejags. I see you are moving countries soon - when are you going? Will he be at the school for long? if not, then does it really matter if you get a reputation for being pushy? Agree with Beety, exclusion is not the way to go (unless he wants it) and she appears to be judging him way too harshly.

Surely putting him on his own table will just make him feel like he is being punished?

As others have said, he IS only five. I have a five year old ds myself, and under all that boisterous puppy exterior they can be quite fragile emotionally.

Poor little chap. He's lucky to have such a great Mum fighting his corner.

Own table. Sorry, just read that after I posted. I don't really think that's a good thing. I suppose, since you don't live in the UK, that it's hard for me to imagine a school system or ethos different to here.

dejags have quickly skimmed through the rest of the posts. I think you should specifically ask the teacher if your ds could have a star for showing a special EFFORT and doing x y z - and that perhaps ds should choose which one.

That way he would be rewarded for making the effort.

ie a discussion between teacher and ds - this morning at mat time I am going to make an extra special effort to sit quietly. Could he then sit in a position to get good eye contact with teacher, then teacher just be able to say "H" remember special effort - when he start to chat or some thing similar?????? Technically that is not how it should work but he needs help to get it and not achieving the wretched star is creating many problems!

What do others think (apart from the fact they don't really get him etc etc etc)?

Putting him on his own table is just awful! Poor little chap, I don't blame you for being furious!

We have put off our move until the end of the year Aloha - only because we don't want to disrupt his schooling. We were away for 6 months of the school year last year so cant afford anymore major absence.

I am feeling slightly less hysterical about this than I was this morning. I don't feel at this stage I can do much more. The teacher is aware of his background, so I think I'll have to trust that in the classroom, she is doing her best.

A classic example of not getting freaked about things we have no control over. It only makes us less capable of being effective in the face of things we can change.

My brain is mushy because of this.

when do you move countries dejags? and where to? are you UK now?

Blimey dejags this teacher sounds very odd. How on earth does she expect humiliation to inspire a 5yo? Because that's what the photo on the wall thing amounts to.

V. glad your ds has made it onto the chart but he should never have been put in that position in the first place. A polite chat with the teacher about what motivates him and why she's not valuing his particular strengths the way she values the others is definitely in order. Some children find it easier to be the sort of quiet that teachers demand than others but they will be stronger at some other desirable behaviour or achievement - all effort and achievement should be valued.

Don't let the educational psychologist's opinion intimidate you. You are entitled to fight your ds's corner as much as anyone else ? and who says everyone else is perfect, anyway?

FWIW I had something similar when I was six that still makes me slightly indignant even now. Teacher gave stars for eg. getting a better mark in your spellings than last week. Problem was I never got any stars because I was the sort of child who happened to be naturally good at spellings and got 10/10 every week.

My mother worked out what was going on when I got into trouble for sticking a star up myself. Chat with teacher = I started to get stars for other things like helping to tidy up the cupboard - so it was fair because I had to make an effort, like the other kids had to with their spellings. Made a big difference to me - I'd got to the point of deciding to make deliberate errors just so I'd get a blasted star the following week!

Point is, every child deserves to be encouraged and recognised for their own achievements and strengths. If you have one outlier in a class, you have to adjust your ratings system to fit them.

We currently live in Cape Town, SA (ex. Kent). DS has been in this school since Jan 05.

We move to Brisbane at the end of this year.

Surely it is not a teacher's place to decide if a child needs medication? Definitely think there is a particular school issue here.

just want to give you and your ds a hug now dejags at own table...for a five-year-old