My DS1 (5.9) is a complex little chap and this morning I have realised that I am totally and utterly failing him. My heart is breaking and I just don?t know what to do. A bit of background:
DS has always been a very ?hard work? child. He talks incessantly and can be very difficult to guide. For example ? we tried to homeschool him last year when we were travelling around the world and it was a total disaster. He just wouldn?t listen, refused to acknowledge that he understood simple concepts (when we knew for a fact that he did). The homeschooling caused so much discord that we decided to give up and not do any schooling with him at all (he was only just five, so we weren?t too worried). Along with being ?hard work? he is incredibly affectionate, cerebral and grown up. He is very tall for his age (1.3m) and intellectually he more mature than his peers. He loves nothing more than to natter with grown-ups.
In the last six months DH and I have realised that our parenting techniques with our eldest child suck. We have tried various different things but nothing changes. On the face of it, DS1 is a happy, confident little boy. When you scratch the surface, he is a desperately insecure little boy. We decided to have him assessed by an Educational Psych, she didn?t tell us anything we didn?t really know about him, but her assessment of us as parents has shattered us (me in particular).
Essentially, DS is ultra dependant on me. This stems back to my PND and mine and DH?s unrealistic expectations of our little boy. We have been too hard on him, we expect too much of him and in doing so have had a really bad effect on his self-esteem and ability to do things for himself. DS feels that he is not good enough in particular for DH. We haven?t meant to be too hard on him ? we have only ever wanted the best for him. We lost sight of the fact that he?s a small boy who only sees our disapproval (we don?t disapprove of anything he does but he doesn?t understand that).
After this DH and I agreed that it was us who needed help and started counselling to help us with our parenting techniques. All good I hear you say.
Well DS1 started in Y1 at the beginning of the year. He has been doing fine on the academic side of things but the teacher says she is really struggling with his behavior. He is disruptive in class, talks too much and cannot concentrate on what he needs to do. As a result he is the only child in the class who has not made it onto the star-chart.
In line with the Psychs? advice, we have been telling him, that we don?t care about the star chart and that he should just try his best and reinforcing the fact that we love him and we are proud of him. His teacher is totally on board with this (she?s wonderful), but she cannot progress him onto the star chart because his behavior just doesn?t warrant it.
Yesterday he comes home and tells us how delighted he is to be on the star chart. This morning he didn?t want me or DH to come into school with him. With some gentle persuasion, he admits that he has lied and that he isn?t on the starchart after all. My little boy just sits and cries his heart out that he doesn?t want me to be cross with him. How have we got it so very, very wrong?
My DS thinks we think he is a failure at age 5. We don?t think this but I can see how our actions in the past may have led this little mite to having such a crap self-image. I am totally devastated and don?t know how to fix this.
On the one hand if I say nothing at all, it?s like I don?t care. On the other hand, if I say something, he perceives it to be pressure. This sensitive little soul is the light of my life, everybody knows this except him.
Sorry if you've fallen asleep but I needed to get this off my chest.