I am devastated and need help <BAD PARENT ALERT>

[dejags]

My DS1 (5.9) is a complex little chap and this morning I have realised that I am totally and utterly failing him. My heart is breaking and I just don?t know what to do. A bit of background:

DS has always been a very ?hard work? child. He talks incessantly and can be very difficult to guide. For example ? we tried to homeschool him last year when we were travelling around the world and it was a total disaster. He just wouldn?t listen, refused to acknowledge that he understood simple concepts (when we knew for a fact that he did). The homeschooling caused so much discord that we decided to give up and not do any schooling with him at all (he was only just five, so we weren?t too worried). Along with being ?hard work? he is incredibly affectionate, cerebral and grown up. He is very tall for his age (1.3m) and intellectually he more mature than his peers. He loves nothing more than to natter with grown-ups.

In the last six months DH and I have realised that our parenting techniques with our eldest child suck. We have tried various different things but nothing changes. On the face of it, DS1 is a happy, confident little boy. When you scratch the surface, he is a desperately insecure little boy. We decided to have him assessed by an Educational Psych, she didn?t tell us anything we didn?t really know about him, but her assessment of us as parents has shattered us (me in particular).

Essentially, DS is ultra dependant on me. This stems back to my PND and mine and DH?s unrealistic expectations of our little boy. We have been too hard on him, we expect too much of him and in doing so have had a really bad effect on his self-esteem and ability to do things for himself. DS feels that he is not good enough in particular for DH. We haven?t meant to be too hard on him ? we have only ever wanted the best for him. We lost sight of the fact that he?s a small boy who only sees our disapproval (we don?t disapprove of anything he does but he doesn?t understand that).

After this DH and I agreed that it was us who needed help and started counselling to help us with our parenting techniques. All good I hear you say.

Well DS1 started in Y1 at the beginning of the year. He has been doing fine on the academic side of things but the teacher says she is really struggling with his behavior. He is disruptive in class, talks too much and cannot concentrate on what he needs to do. As a result he is the only child in the class who has not made it onto the star-chart.

In line with the Psychs? advice, we have been telling him, that we don?t care about the star chart and that he should just try his best and reinforcing the fact that we love him and we are proud of him. His teacher is totally on board with this (she?s wonderful), but she cannot progress him onto the star chart because his behavior just doesn?t warrant it.

Yesterday he comes home and tells us how delighted he is to be on the star chart. This morning he didn?t want me or DH to come into school with him. With some gentle persuasion, he admits that he has lied and that he isn?t on the starchart after all. My little boy just sits and cries his heart out that he doesn?t want me to be cross with him. How have we got it so very, very wrong?

My DS thinks we think he is a failure at age 5. We don?t think this but I can see how our actions in the past may have led this little mite to having such a crap self-image. I am totally devastated and don?t know how to fix this.

On the one hand if I say nothing at all, it?s like I don?t care. On the other hand, if I say something, he perceives it to be pressure. This sensitive little soul is the light of my life, everybody knows this except him.

Sorry if you've fallen asleep but I needed to get this off my chest.

God, hadn't seen update on his own table. If he's worried or unhappy about it, I'd be tempted to pin her up against the wall and shoot her, myself. What a cow!

well I would not worry about putting the move off now - tbh the sooner you get settle somewhere th better for little dejags

I agree Edam. I did try to say that the chart was causing unnecessary distress but it wasn't really taken on board. It works for the kids who behave beautifully but not for the "square peg" kids. So because it works for the majority - it stays.

I just don't know what else to do.

Bozza - in the year two class last year 7 out of 22 kids were medicated in one way or another . It's the norm here to medicate kids who aren't average .

And this is a good, private, bloooody expensive school. Our options is to put him in a State school with 40 kids in the class (not really an option, all things considered).

Unfortunately we cannot move now because we have another baby due in May. We have to wait until she is born to include her on our application. Believe, me, if we could we would.

Oh boy, dejags, your little boy sounds sooooo like mine.

"incredibly affectionate, cerebral and grown up. He is very tall for his age (1.3m) and intellectually he more mature than his peers. He loves nothing more than to natter with grown-ups"

Could describe my DS very well. But he is also very emotionally immature, chatters constantly, doesn't listen to what he is asked to do, doesn't concentrate on work. When he does settle down and get on with it, he can do the work with ease. Often he won't even start because he isn't sure whether he can get it right, and he would rather not start at all than be seen to fail. My ds also has temper outbursts, which often lead to him getting into trouble for yelling at/hitting other kids.

On the outside ds seems like a VERY confident little boy, but inside he is actually very lacking in self-confidence (It has taken me ages to see this and accept it).

I blame his problems on my having to be in hospital and unable to look after him myself over a lot of the time when he was 2 - 3 years old. But then, like you, I have a pretty poor confidence in myself.

DS's school are trying very hard to work with him and us in helping him to modify his behaviours in class. When to talk, and when not, how to cope with his temper, how to approach a problem you don't understand.

He gets lots of one-to-one time with the teaching assistant, and school also wheeled in someone to help with behaviour support from the LEA. She sees him once a week and is helping him to gain a more positive image of himself.

DS's teacher has also involved ds's class mates to help him. They remind him (finger up to the lips) when it is time to be quiet, and offer praise when he has been helpful or particularly kind. DS's teacher praises EVERY opportunity she gets, altho they also send him for time-out if he gets really OTT in class.

I think you need to enlist some help from the Head, or even the SENCO in your school. Certainly separating your ds from the rest of his class seems a step in the wrong direction to me.

I've opened my heart on several threads here about our probs at school. Not least because I know DS is a VERY bright little boy, and we are struggling to get that out because of the behaviour issues.

Dejags, I think you need to voice your concerns to the head teacher (possibly in a meeting including ds's teacher if you like). Ask if they can come up with a more positive approach. Ask if ds needs a IEP to help him and school cope with his problems.

And continue to love and treasure him. Remember, you and his dad are the best friends he's got.

Ah just seen you are in SA, so probably not the same provision for children who 'don't fit'.

I would still go above ds's teacher's head tho.

You need to have a good heart-to-heart meeting to emphasise that you want school to be more positive with him.

Just seen that you're off to QLD. Any benefit in just taking him out of school until you move? The education system is so different there - lovely, low key intro school and done at a later age - presume (though can't remember off the top of my head) that he would be starting grade 1 come Jan do would get a chance to start school all over again and wouldn't have missed out at all wrt the Aussie kids. QLD has just started/is about to start a prep year so that children don't start g1 until they are at least 6.5yo in the Jan of each year. Just a thought... Eidsvold would be the one to clarify.

Thanks all for your wonderful, thoughtful advice. We will read it through later together.

We have decided to give DS and the teacher another two weeks together before escalating this any further. She is a lovely person and I do believe a good teacher (even if I disagree with some of her methods).

Unfortunately taking him out of school completely is not really an option. He would be very, very bored at home and we have already had one homeschooling disaster that I'd rather not repeat.

So it's sticking to getting the dynamic sorted out at home which is our focus now. Whatever happens at school, I'll always fight his corner. I just have to put my faith in him and us to the extent that if we get it right at home, things will follow naturally at school.

I bet if most of us had an educational psychologist looking over our shoulder s/he could find plenty to say so don't assume you are somehow lacking. Am pretty sure my rating would be below-average (and the people I've known whose parents are psychologists are certainly no better adjusted than the rest of us - it's easier to be professional about parenting than to actually ruddy do it).

It is pretty intense Edam

It's very easy to fall into the trap of worrying about all the things you do/did wrong, rather than focus on the things you get right.

dejags I'm at work and haven't had time to read all the posts, sorry, but I had to post as you sound such lovely parents, how amazingly open minded you are to take advice and criticism from the Ed Psych; you are so rare!

One thing I wondered was whether the travelling has contributed somewhat to his insecurity? Adults love travelling but it would seem common sense that SOME kids may not actually gain much from it, if they are people who thrive better with secure routines....what is in fact a fabulous and enriching experience may not have been this for your DS? You are now giving him a secure base at school and it sounds like this will be a good thing for your ds as time goes on...he's still quite new to it and only in year one.

I definitely agree the teacher needs to set him some individual targets that he CAN achieve.

And I think in some ways nature will take it's course; you no longer have PND (I assume) and you no longer have unrealistic expectations of him; keep saying the right things and keep his life secure and stable and this WILL have an effect.

totally agree with edam that any Ed Psych would find plenty to say about ALL parents

Message withdrawn

dejags, I have read your Op and skimmed the rest of the tread and agree with much of what's been said, particuarly regarding the star chart, it is the teachers job to find something for him to go on there for.

Also I am a Psychologist. I used to work as an Educational Psychologist, and I just wanted to tell you not to place too much emphaisis in the EP report. It is an opinion that is all. A professional opinion, but just an opinion. Psychology is not like some types of medicine where a doctor could say you have x and y caused x.
Although many psychologists would like you to believe it is.

She has come up with a theory about your Ds's behaviour and then makes recommendations based on that theory. This not bad psychology it is psychology. and her opinion is based on a one off assessment (I presume) where certain questions and certain tools were used. A different psycholgist using a differnt approach would very likely come up with a differnt theory and recommendations.

I just wanted to say this as I felt you were judging yourself to be a bad parent on the basis of her report. You ceratinly don't sound like a bad parent. Try to go with your gut instict where I think you know your not and do not be swayed by this report.

Good parents want to do their best for their children and that is exactky what you are trying to do.

Good parents when doing their best make mistakes. That's most of us.

Dejags - I have an experience that may help - I have a very gifted 13 yr old ds who was ECACTLY as you describe at school. One day aged 7 he came home and told us he had won the school poetry competition. In fact he had come 3rd to much older boys, but he told us what we wanted to hear.... of course the next day we discovered that he had lied, and we were devastated. He was really upset by all of it. However, it was a natural stage for a clever and sensitive child - to work out what would make someone happy and then try and achieve it. Obviously if one didn't then guide that child the risk of further fantasies would increase, but at 5yrs old, that's all your son was doing - trying to tell you something he knew was important to you. Reading your posts I am struck by the amount of change your son deals with, and he has another big move coming up. He may find everything unsettling, not just school, but be afraid to express his feelings. I would work hard at making him feel loved unconditionally, and let the rest go hang, education included, for a while. Most importantly I feel that a separate table for your son is an absolutely horrific thing to do, and I would be outraged . Your dd's disruptive behaviour is probably - as my sons was - due to intellectual maturity conflicting with emotional immaturity, and quite frankly you just have to wait for everything to balance out.

You sound like a very intelligent person who thinks very deeply about matters, worries a huge amount, and cares desperately about getting everything right. It would not be surprising to have a son exactly like his parents! He will be fine if you are fine (and if I were you I would stay out of contact with the teacher for a while and see if matters settle down). I hope I haven't mouthed off too much, but I do know exactly what you are going through

Hi dejags
I haven't much time so forgive me if I repeat advice that others have given . I was a primary teacher for several years with many a star chart, smiley face chartetc. I really do believe it's his teachers job to ensure he gets on that chart. It's her chart and she should be working harder to get him on it. I had many children that din't get on straight away and I'd go out of my way to ensure nobody get left off it for too long. I'd go in with a list of things he's good at and suggest she concentrates on one in order to get him on, even if it's for something as trivial as always putting his shoes on. That encouragement would lead to him trying hard in other areas eg behaviour. You sound like very caring parents don't blame yourself for everything and take some of what the ed psyc says with a pinch of salt. Maybe the travelling may have more to do with it but don't beat yourself up about that, he'll have benefited from it in other areas.

Apologies for the bad spelling,grammar etc, only just re-read it.

Your DS sounds just like my DS1, he is 7 and very sensitive and clever when he started doing spellings tests at school we were really worried what would happen when he got 1 wrong as he is a perfectionist and sure enough after a few weeks in Yr1 he got a word wrong and cried every morning for a week that he was stupid .

DS1 is on his 2nd school as we did not think the 1st understood him and the school he is at now is fab.

I would say be patient and continue loving him as you have been and eventually everything will come right. BTW we have star charts at this school but the children are in groups of 3/4 so that they can encourage each other to do well and it is not down to an individual to be last. Good Luck and please please don't blame yourself

Gosh only joined a couple of days ago, almost wish I hadn't!! I thought I only had the teenage years to dread....but star charts at 5yo. How demoralising is that. I agree the teacher should get your little one on it asap, or scrap it altogether. Anyway forget stars I award your little star with a just for being him. X

I love your posts Christie. You have such kindness.

Havent read every post, but I also felt I wanted to add my support. If I were to admit to a psych every freakout Id had with DD, every row with DP over the right way to parent, every time "friends" have pitied me because DD ws the only child throwing an apocalyptic wobbly because she wasnt getting her own way - I dread to think what sort of label we'd have.

Your lad doesnt sound any different to most other children of his age. They all chat when they should be working!

Your school sounds very strict - maybe the system is different to the British one. At DD's school each child has their own sticker chart, so their individual achievements can be rewarded. I hate it when teachers wont reward children for their efforts because they dont measure up to the percieved class "norm". Ive even met children with special needs in mainstream schools where the teacher wont display their work because its "not good enough".

At our school, the individual system meant that a child with behviour probs and ADHD finished his first chart before DD because he was being rewarded for his own efforts, and the child who is probably one of the brightest hasnt finished her chart yet because ofher own poor behaviour.

I havent really added anything that all the other posters havent, but I just want you to know that you and your lad sound lovely, and in a more supportive atmosphere, at school Im sure his self esteem would rocket. Youre doing everything you can, so dont be hard on yourself.

A five year old, and the only one in the class not on the star chart? That is demotivating and downright cruel. Just how bad can a 5 yr old's behaviour be? and even if he is antisocial in school, he should still be given the experience of a reward to motivate him for more.

You and your dh obviously adore your ds, christ it seem to me that since that ed pshyc (sp?) made her comments you now have YOU, DH and DS with low self esteem... so her input was really helpful wasn't it?

Sorry if i've repeated what others have said, have only skimmed the thread. Must fly...

We went to see dds teacher (strict, quite cold) and told her that she was to use positive praise with dd1.