Please share your good behaviour and discipline tips with me ..... at my wits end...

[ghosty]

OK .... DS is driving me and DH nuts at the moment .... and I really think we have created a monster
Everyone that knows him says what a great kid he is, polite, considerate, kind etc .... but at home he is usually a shocker - we have moments of the 'nice' DS but only if there is something in it for him.

We, as a couple, are against smacking (NO, this is NOT a smacking debate!) and we have always used positive reinforcement as much as we can.

But, at the age of almost 7 he has become very hard work .... attitude mainly, and hitting when he is angry and frustrated ....

I feel like we are caught between a rock and a hard place .... he expects rewards for good behaviour ... our own fault clearly as we have used sticker charts, pasta jars and a voucher system that we made up ourselves .... the other day he started negotiating with me what sort of rewards he could get now he is a 'big boy' ....
Sometimes I feel that this reward system that is so fashionable these days is teaching them an unrealistic view of life ..... In desperation the other day I explained to him that Daddy and I don't get rewards every time we are 'good' people ... our reward is freedom and the chance to live as decent a life as we can afford, the reward is seeing a smile of someone's face when you do something for them .... that sort of thing. The punishment for being 'bad' for an adult is the removal of privileges and at the worst case, prison ....

When I was a child I wouldn't even think about saying 'no' to my mother when she asked me to get dressed ... the consequences were too dire, but she loved me and I knew she did - I had a great childhood.

DS says 'No' to every bloody thing ... or he ignores the request completely .... and I feel utterly powerless .... I don't think he should get rewarded for putting his socks on the first time of asking .... but I can't and won't smack him for anything let alone not doing a simple task.

A few mumsnetters have posted in the past that they expect good behaviour and get it ... no need for rewards or punishment ... but HOW do you get that?????????????????????

The other day (the same day we had this chat about real life) DH said, "I don't want to come home tonight and find out that you have been difficult for mum all day, like yesterday" ... I don't know if that was the right thing to say but I was shocked when DS said, "And if I am naughty what will you do?"
DH was bereft of speech because what can he do? Bugger all really ....
Are we breeding a generation of 'Yeah, what you gonna do about it?" kids?

Help. I am worried.

quick hi-jack, we actually have problems with dd2 and food. now she loves sausgaes rolls. so the other day she had two mini ones for lunch but was playing up soemthing chronic. she has a strong gag reflex anyway (she is 4years old), but in her messing about, she made herself sick but gagging. the sick didnt touch her plate or the table, just the floor beside her. so i cleared up the sick and made dd2 finish the sausage rolls, right or wrong?

God, I love you all ....

Such positive feedback .... thanks

His 'currency' is playstation and computer time - playdates don't work as he knows that playdates are as much for me as for him (gives me a break) ... rewards like sweets don't work as he hasn't a sweet tooth (strange I know) but a take away once a month is a good one - he loves take aways ....

well the sick obviously needed to be cleaned up and she obviouly needed her lunch so thats ok. As for playing up at hte table I would have made her sit on her own to eat

oh we did in the end. because everyone else was finished. those two small sausgaes rolls took her over 90mins to eat.

i just thougth at the time, if she pukes the relaises that gets her out of eating she will do it over and over. i know dd2 too well. also if she gags too much on anything she wont eat it.

crikey ! 90 minutes is painful!

Misdee .... I think you were right but I think 90 minutes may have been the end of me

it is really bad atm. lotys of praise going on atm.

she gets worse when dh goes into hospital then comes out.

but back to the original post now.

The time without DH is definitely an issue (can I drag my thread back from sausage rolls for a minute Misdee ) ... and I think DS feels very stressed when he sees DH as he is soooo desperate to be with him, then gets jealous if he doesn't get attention so the behaviour spirals out of control - DH gets pissed off, I get pissed off with DH and DH just wants to play with DD who is two and undemanding .... in the play stakes anyway .... so the whole thing turns to custard as DS takes it out on me (boring old mummy) ....
Fing nightmare .....

Marslady, as an aside, I would call my kids boychild and girlchild too if I had 17 kids like you do ....

ah the daddy is fun thing, and mummy is the rule maker.

sorry i dont know what happened with dh and yourself (your dh not mine ) but think he definitely needs to be involved right now. Hvae you read "raising boys" by steve biddulph>

Jampots, nothing nasty, just that DH is living and working in Melbourne at the moment (where I am posting from) and we are still in Auckland. We will be following in the new year. DH has been away for a month and we are here visiting him for a 10 days - longest 10 days of my life

Ghosty - it sounds like DH needs to be sent off to do something regularly with Ds! That may well prove life changing

The reason I have a few minutes to post is that DH has taken DS out for the morning and I am here with DD - nice and quiet, she is drawing pictures sitting next to me .... so he is trying to spend time with DS but it has been hard this week.

gosh sorry ghosty i thought you'd split up!

right so its temporary.

why not explain this to ds and ask him to keep a daily diary to show his dad when you all get back together again? he can write his feelings and cut pictures out to stick in etc. maybe pieces of school work etc

Before this Melbourne thing happened they were in the habit of spending an afternoon every weekend doing blokey things .... went fishing, went to the rugby, went to the hardware store for a hammer then a long walk on the beach etc ...
It really did make a difference ....
And not having it is showing atm.
I feel sad that my baby doesn't need me anymore (boring old mummy) - but this isn't about me is it? ()

Of course DH and I as a couple aren't having a look in at the moment and that is a strain too

are you feeling neglected a bit ghosty?

I am off in a mo to hit the Melbourne shops (YA
Y!) for a bit of retail therapy with DD ... so won't look at this till later .... really really appreciate the replies and help ...
love you all .... hugs hugs (if cod reads this she can ignore the hugs )

Neglected ... yes, definitely ....

Ghosty - that is what is upsetting me most atm!

DS has really drawn away from me, doesn't want cuddles or kisses or hugs. Frankly he seems quite repulsed at being in bodily contact with me at all, except for the odd tickle!

The Biddulph book is good - only thing that is keeping me sane at the moment is thinking that this is a phase - albeit it a 7 year long one!

oh pet i guess thats how ds is feeling too

I know soapbox ... I never thought it would happen ... he is so, well, spikey .... when we have a cuddle ... all 'eeeewwwwww yuk' and all that ... won't let me kiss him anymore ('Yuk, lipstick Mum!' even though I make sure I don't put lipstick on till after he has gone to school ) but he will kiss me very very quickly on my cheek or (preferably) my hair.
I have read Steve biddulph ... but a long time agon ... might give it another go ... but always vowed never to do another book