slapping or no slapping?

[Vindaloo]

I am a single mum, DD is 2 and half years now. She's a live wire and just being a normal cheeky toddler really. I have found myself slapping her on her bottom or raising my voice when trying to dicipline her. I always assumed I would be a chilled out mum, but I suppose being a single parent with DDs father choosing to play no part in her life and family living far away doesnt help. I hate it and it really upsets me and I feel so guilty and crap about slapping/shouting. I think I have some anger management issues. Any advice on what I should do? where to go for help?

The main reason I would never hit my children is because I never want to see them look at me with fear in their eyes. For smacking to work it has to hurt, hence they have to be scared of the pain. Plenty of men manage to smack their wives without leaving a mark. Are we saying that is acceptable too?

Wow. It's all very emotive here, isn't it? For what it's worth, I smacked my little boy on two occasions when he was about 2. I hated myself (and I mean HATED myself-didn't know I could feel like that) for about 3 weeks afterwards because I knew he didn't 'deserve' it (whatever that means). That's how I knew it wasn't for me. At the same time, I remember seeing one of the mums from school trying to herd her triplets into the school gates and threatening them with a smack and I just thought that I couldn't possibly know what it was like for her, with 3 of them to discipline. I was smacked as a child, and I'd say that generally it worked. But I knew that if I whined enough, my mother would either give in or smack me. Most of the time she gave in because she didn't want to smack. Her mother, on the other hand, smacked her once and promptly fainted! DH was never smacked and is vehemently anti-smacking. And I have to say our son is now a lovely gentle little boy who thankfully wouldn't think to smack his 16-month old sister back (she's going thrugh that phase...) as he knows that mummy or daddy will give her a stern 'no' and distract her.
Anyway, that's my two cents' worth. Hi to everyone. It's good to start on a nice heated debate!

Children are not adults, that is the difference. You cannot liken a man beating up his wife to a parent disciplining their child

My MIL says that usually when you smack, it's because YOU are feeling tired/stressed, and it's over something you wouldn't even have noticed on any other day.

Nearlythree, comments like "Plenty of men manage to smack their wives without leaving a mark. Are we saying that is acceptable too? ", IMO, diminishes your argument and credibility. Do you honestly think that parents who use smacking also countenance husbands beating up their wives? Get real!

I do not abuse my children. Smacking them occasionally on the hand or the bottom is not abuse, it is a form of discipline that you prefer not to use, just in the same way that I prefer not to spend hours of my precious time trying to reason with a child that does not understand reason.

I am so shocked that some of you think the answer to discipline is corporal punishment, including smacking your children.
I'm not aggressive. I believe I may have sounded aggressive in my first post to Kittywits where I said her argument was rubbish. Other than that I have only expressed my opinion. If I were agressive, I would challenge people in public as to why they were slapping their children - but I don't because sadly as a parent that is their choice.
I am not a hippy-dippy, arm-wringing do-gooder either. I am a busy, PT-WOTH mother of two with a strong belief in respect & courtesy. I firmly believe that I am responsible & in charge of my children. A jolly good smack doesn't show respect or courtesy & sets an example to the child of violence being a solution.
I never respected the teachers who hit us at school. I knew full well the only way they made any attempt at control was by frightening us. I look back & despise them, just as I despise all the jolly good smacks my mother delivered because she lost her temper & couldn't stretch her mind to think of a better way of dealing with small children.

I'm sorry Aviatrix I don't understand, what does and why?

Oooh I have to admit I gave someone a roasting in a shop once because she hit her son across the face. I was so shocked I gave her a row before I had time to think about it! Cue one terribly embarrassed husband... The thing was, she started stammering apologies to me, which I wasn't expecting-I thought I'd get a mouthful! Of course, most people who smack would never hit their child across the face. I'm not suggesting that for a moment, just previous post reminded me of that day, that's all.

Bugsy, people who don't disagree with smacking are expressing their opinion so what's the problem? I think the problem is that you disagree with it and cannot accept that some of us are honest enough to say that we think it has a place.

If you don't want to use it, fine but please do not condemn us you choose to use it as evil, inadequte, out of control child abusers because I can assure you that I am none of those things. I don't even shout at them because to be honest, that scares them more than me tapping them on the hand (which I will state again is done rarely and as a last resort).

who choose

JML, I don't think you should ever hit anybody in the face. Tapping a child on the hand or bottom is not the same thing.

OK Avatrix, infer

I did say that... at the end of my post I made that clear.

Speedymama, you are right I do disagree with hitting children. It is one of the few issues of child rearing that I feel particularly strongly about.
However, nowhere have I said that I think those who do slap, smack or tap their children are "evil, inadequte, out of control child abusers".
I have laid out my point of view and defended the charge made against me of being aggressive.

To be honest, I don't believe I inferred it either. Interesting that this is what you think though.

JML, I know, I was just concurring

The constant use of the word "tapping" on this thread is a bit irritating. You're not tapping them, in the sense of "I tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention", you're hitting them for the purpose of inflicting pain, in order to instil enough fear to deter them from repeating the behaviour.

And the anecdote about the police officer assaulting a British man was just shocking. Do you really think the police should be allowed to hit people at their own deiscretion?

OK Speedymama, sorry. I'm pretty neutral on this debate so I'm anxious not to give the wrong impression,that's all...

adath, they are children not adults, they are not the same. They do not have authority and they need adults to take charge

Erm Kitty if you actually read my post properly I said they are NOT mini adults. I am more than aware of what children are.
The fact that they are not mini adults actually makes smacking worse becasue children have totally different thought processes than adults so they are not able to reason why they got it and why it is then not acceptable to then do it to others.

My stepfather used to use the word "tap" like this. If any other adult came to see what all the howling was about after he had laid into one of us, he would protest loudly "I only tapped her!".

It suggests, rather sadly, that the "tapper" knows hitting a child is wrong, and feels defensive about it.

Bugsy, I came to that view based on your 12.00 and 1.49pm posts and reading between the lines. If I'm wrong, please accept my apologies