slapping or no slapping?

[Vindaloo]

I am a single mum, DD is 2 and half years now. She's a live wire and just being a normal cheeky toddler really. I have found myself slapping her on her bottom or raising my voice when trying to dicipline her. I always assumed I would be a chilled out mum, but I suppose being a single parent with DDs father choosing to play no part in her life and family living far away doesnt help. I hate it and it really upsets me and I feel so guilty and crap about slapping/shouting. I think I have some anger management issues. Any advice on what I should do? where to go for help?

Adults are stronger and they are incharge. You don't have to hit children the way you describe. Why do youinsist on being so emotive bugsy?
I have never attacked my children physically . My children are kind and non agressive like pintomums. I certainly don't think the odd smack is abusive. Children are children. It really annoys me to see parents spending an age reasoning ( god I hate that word) with young children. They are children and we are adults. They are not the same.
The OP asked about smacking and other methods of discipline. I have said that I think it's ok. for her to give the odd smack other people have given their views. I hoonestly don't see what all the fuss is about.

In my experience, there are lots of children who have never been smacked but are aggressive, rude, self-centred, spoilt brats. My 4 brothers and I were smacked ocassionally as children and none of us turned into aggressive bullies. There is a big difference between the occasional smack and a beating. Kittywit's view is a valid one and should not be dismissed out of hand, particularly as it is based on her own life experience, just because you do not agree with it.

In the same way there is ineffective contact punishment, there is ineffective non-contact punishment. I don't see what is wrong with tapping a child's hand if it won't desist from doing something that will hurt him, e.g. touching a hot oven. Yes you can remove them but if they keep going back to do it, then tapping their hand tells them that you mean business. I did this with DT1. He did not touch the oven again, he is not an aggressive or rude child and he has not been damaged by the experience.

Thankyou speedymama

Bugsy, there is a big difference between a smack and a beating. A smack can be a tap on the hand or bottom which does not leave a mark. Considering you are so against corporal punishment, you come across as a very aggressive person!

Kittywits

im sorry but i agree with kitty..
smacking has its place. i wouldnt use it unless its for something dangerous. ie, running across the road. i was smacked as a child, and i knew that i mummy smacked me it must have been something really serouis and naughty. children wont learn the differnce between something thats undesirable, and something thats dangerous if you cant draw a definate line under each.

speedy mamma good point.. you posted that while i was writing the last one!

I feel very strongly about hitting children. I cannot think of any good reason for it - ever.
I am unable to think of a valid argument for smacking, slapping or tapping (not sure what tapping is) a child. If you can discipline perfectly well without doing it - why would you want to do anything else?

Ok Natty, so how come my children don't run out into the road, touch the oven, put their fingers in electric sockets, jump out of windows or put their hand in dogs mouth? How have they learn't to distinguish danger from any other event when I haven't smacked them? Could it be that they respect what I say?

how old is your child?

perhaps your children are of a better temperment than some. for instance my mum HAD to smack me for many of the below reasons, but never had to smack my sister. this is simply because some children NEED smacking.

Same with me Natty. I remember being smacked as a child and I remember knowing that I must have really stepped over the mark. it's a far more effective way of showing a child that than having a chat or giving them another tlling off.

One size does not fit all. Some children are placid, some are live wires, some will listen, some will push and push until breaking point. I have a suite of techniques that I use on my twins depending on the situation and their temperament. Smacking is always a last resort and used rarely. When it is used, the effect is immediate and child knows he has gone too far. No mark is left, he is not damaged and he knows that I love him unconditionally.

couldnt have put it better myself speedy

Why thank you!

Natty, my children are 6.75 & 4. They are not angels or weak-willed by any stretch of the imagination. With DS discipline has been a long, hard slog but I knew I could never, ever hit either of them & don't think anyone ever needs to hit their child.

I only once slapped DD on her legs and it was when she as about 2 or 3. She had a mega strop in the middle of the road as we were crossing and traffic was bearing down on us from both directions. I panicked and walloped her to stop her tantrum long enough to oik her out of the road.

She is now 19 and we had a conversation about smacking children. She said she remembered mum being way more scary than dad coz dad just shouted which went over your head like a blanket, but mum, oh dear, mum made you feel really really bad inside by looking at you with a disappointed face!

if u feel that ur children dont need slapping than thats fine, their your children. but dont start telling me that i dont need to slap mine. its not your place.
also isnt it funny how the amount of badly behaved children has increased in direct proportion to the number of slap disaproving books? just a though

Natty, I haven't told you to do or not to do anything. I said that I feel strong about hitting children & I am free to express my opinion.
I think it is a lazy & violent form of discipline & there is evidence to suggest it is ineffectual as well. Check out the NSPCC website sometime.
I have yet to be moved by any argument that hitting children is a good idea & I refute the fact that the number of badly behaved children has gone up as a direct result of all the evidence that suggests hitting children is not good discipline. If children (and it is a big if) are more badly behaved, perhaps it is because they have no respect for their parents.

Oh I am complimented on my childrens behaviour wherever we go and they are totally non aggressive. Neither have ever hit another child not even as toddlers so I haven't made them aggressive by the odd smack on the hand or bottom. I think belittling children verbally is worse abuse than the odd smack - calling them stupid and telling them to shut up and much worse. I can stand to see a child slapped on the hand but not called a stupid git or cow of whatever - makes me so angry

And I never do that either it does not need to be one or the other. My Daughter is very strong willed and discipine can and has been hard work I will not deny it but I have never felt the need to resort to smacking her.

I also do not like the argument from someone we are the adults they are the children. I do not want to bring my children up to be unquestionably obedient. Lief is not like that I want my children to know the difference between right and wrong but NOT to bow down to authority if it is something the disagree with or believe is wrong, I do not want to smack them to show I am bigger and stronger than them and they must do as I say or else.
They may not be miniture adults but they do have the right to their own feelings and the right to question and I have no intention of bullying my thoughts into them either verbally or physically.

It's so true natty. I get fed up with the current 'hippy dippy' as I think of it, trend to reason, bargain, plead with your children.
These people have a tendency to think that their way is the only way. It is quite right that those people who do not advocate corperal punishment can be extremely agressive towards those that do!! How does that work? I only ever have feelings about other parents' methods when their children's behaviour impinges on the happiness of my children .
I cannot understand why it is wrong to smack your children. That's such a crazy notion!

adath, they are children not adults, they are not the same. They do not have authority and they need adults to take charge.

It is very true that childrfen don't have nearly as much respect for any adults let alone their parents. This surely supports the argument ofr corperal punnishment!! I firmly believe that were coperal punishment to become acceptable again this trend would soon reverse. A kid's really going to stop doing something awful when the worst thing that's going to happen is a telling off? I would be quaking in my boots!! .
I would think twice if I knew I would receive something harsher.

A couple of weeks ago DH and I watched something about holiday makers in Spain on one of the digi channels (it was about 1100 pm). The police were trying to deal with drunken louts from Britain and trying to persuade them to go back to their hotels but they were not listening. One of the policemen smacked one of the Brits around his ears. DH and I fell about laughing. The look on the Brit's face was one of utter shock and we both said "I bet that's the first time he has been disciplined like that!" He stopped messing around and slunked off back to his hotel.

Now imagine a policeman doing that here? All the hippy dippy, arm-wringing do-gooders would have an apolectic fit about the abuse this poor man suffered at the hands of this bully who should be upholding the law!

Speedmama, you are so right. I do so wish that could happen here. look what we've come to. it's the " You can't touch me " mentality which has led to kids behaving exactly as they want because they know nothing will happen to them. Perhaps a few more smacks in childhood would go along way to solving this problem.