slapping or no slapping?

[Vindaloo]

I am a single mum, DD is 2 and half years now. She's a live wire and just being a normal cheeky toddler really. I have found myself slapping her on her bottom or raising my voice when trying to dicipline her. I always assumed I would be a chilled out mum, but I suppose being a single parent with DDs father choosing to play no part in her life and family living far away doesnt help. I hate it and it really upsets me and I feel so guilty and crap about slapping/shouting. I think I have some anger management issues. Any advice on what I should do? where to go for help?

Vindaloo - i went to a wonderful parenting course run by the local HV's following a program by Family Links. I think it would help, it helped me and I'm far far more calm and patient with the children then I was before. And don't feel guilty.

Don't now if it will help, but when my dd 1 & 2 are doing something naughty and i want them to stop, i tell them that when they are naughty it makes mummy sad! I know this sounds like applying lots of guilt and people get hung on on that issue, but rather than shout (which i have done alot) i just look disappointed. I told them in words they could understand that it is more fun if everyone is happy and i think they are clever girls who can be good. I don't make it into a big drama, no tears or mountains of guilt, just a sad face.
Now my dd2 who is just 3 will say "mummy not happy" and does tend to adjust her behaviour. Like yours it is normally just over zelous play rather than troublemaking. This works as long as the child is old enough to recongnise right form wrong. Hope i don't sound like an evil mother!

Just as a thought, is your litle one at a nursery or playgroup as the staff usually have some sound techniques they will apply to children who get a bit out of hand. Ours also run parenting courses, which is more a gathering of parents to help talk through aspects of parenting, and offer help and support.

Vindaloo, I slapped my DS's hand once when he was driving me to distraction and that day at nursery he hit someone! I have never forgiven myself and won't do it again.
I don't do time out or warnings. Instead I get down to their level and kind of growl at them not to do it. A nanny told me you have to change the tone of your voice but not to a shriek. Easily said I know.
As for anger management (I have a short fuse too so sympathise), in the short-term you can try Rescue Remedy (can buy in Boots). Works on children too

I have 2yo DTS and I have developed the perfect telling of voice. I do not shout, I speak slowly with firmness and look them straight in the eyes. It is enough to reduce them both to tears but they get the message. Most of the time I distract them or just ignore them. When they are really misbehaving, I sit them on the carpet, use my firm voice explaining why they are there and leave them to blubber for 2 minutes. I have only tapped their hands a couple of times but mostly, I prefer not to use that form of discipline.

Doh, telling off voice

Cheers for comments,

Today I have actually been calmer with DD when she's naughty and I am sure its down to all the comments I have read.

Hope I keep it up and will look into the suggestions you guys have given me.

XX

"Just as a thought, is your litle one at a nursery or playgroup as the staff usually have some sound techniques they will apply to children who get a bit out of hand. Ours also run parenting courses, which is more a gathering of parents to help talk through aspects of parenting, and offer help and support. "
(QUOTE: mumoftwoangels)

Generally, the techniques used in nurseries/playgroups tend to be time out, diverting their attention from the current situation (works well when two children are fighting for the same toy!) and in some places, behaviour cards which show simple illustrations, instructing the children in a particular way, for example, good sitting, quiet lips, hands down etc. These are generally very effective in nurseries etc because they are constantly used and are understood by all the children.

However, this kind of behaviour management doesn't always work as it is not carried out at home, so therefore is not consistent. Children are then given mixed messages about how to behave at home or at nursery.

Sorry, this was kind of irrelevant, but wanted to share my thoughts on it, as I manage a nursery and deal with this kind of thing on a daily basis.

Always harder with you own though!

So what do you do, aviatrix?

I do't think there's anything at all wrong with smacking every now and then. It stops working as effective discpline if done too often and I don't agrre with that. I have found the odd smack to be very effective indeed.

I must say that in my experience of children, those that have never been disciplined with a smack are far more ill disciplined and therefore aggressive towrds other children than those who have.
Ironic maybe, but that is what I have experienced empirically.
My children have been on the receiving end far too often of selfishness anf agression from children whose parents'idea of discilpine is to say something as ineffectual as " Don't hit that boy darling, it's not nice". Of course it makes no difference( in my experience).
I use many different forms of discipline as do all parents. I think that the occasional smack has a place.

Would say that is absolute rubbish Kittywits. I have never smacked my children but I've worked really hard on their discipline. I use a number of techniques to ensure that they are not aggressive & badly behaved.
I brought 6 year old DS into the office yesterday & was overwhelmed with the compliments about his good behaviour.
I've never hit DD either. If you work at children's discipline & give them consistent guidelines & carry through your threats they can be perfectly well behaved without ever having to resort to physical violence.
GRRRRRR, this hitting children business makes me so cross.

It makes Me angry that you can say that the experiences that I have had, that's ME in my life, not you or yours, are rubbish.
Bugsy these are my experiences of very ill disciplined children. I'm glad that your child is well behaved, however you discipline them.
I'm not attacking your parenting methods, I'll thankyou not to attack mine or call my opinions and experiences rubbish. That is not what Mumsnet is about in my opinion.

Thanks for the reminder about Mumsnet Kittywits, but I stand by what said.
You do not need to smack, hit or slap children to discipline them & help them to become polite, respectful individuals. I firmly & absolutely believe that to say that children who are not hit are more aggressive & badly behaved is rubbish.
I appreciate that is my opinion & it is different to yours. I have not said you are rubbish but I believe that your opinion is misplaced & not statistically proven or even born out in day to day life. I could cite numerous examples of aggressive children who have been smacked!

I am sorry I have to agree with Bugsy here.
How can you say that children that have never been smacked are the mosre sggressive ones?
Could it not be that the discipline they are getting is innefectual rather than the lack of physical punishment?
I have neve rin my life been smacked but my parents worked hard and were consistent with discipline and I was nto and am not an aggressive person toward anybody!
I have also NEVER raised a hand to my daughter and I am regularly complimented on her behaviour and manners.
Like someone else on this thread said behaviour breeds behaviour and by smacking you are sending out the message that hitting is ok when someone is not listening to you or doing as you tell them to and I do honestly believe that this is carried into the playground or wherever.

I very rarely smack my 2 who are 5 yo and 3 yo. I use where I can other methods. Having smacked though in the past I cannot really condemn those who do other than to say it doesn't always work and makes you feel guilty. However sometimes the time out business is just too drawn out e.g on holiday a little girl was making everyones life a misery and in the end they took her for timeout, packed up everything and went back to the apartment so everyone suffered (incl the siblings) I was thinking a smack on the bum would have worked but carried on reading my book thanking the lord she wasn't mine

I am sure there are many examples of well behaved children (yours being one of them) who are never smacked and smacked children who are aggressive. It is just in my experience of the children my children mix with that they are simply not disciplined and in my opinion could do with a jolly good smack every now and again. I am aware that my thinking on this goes against current disciplining trends.

Oh I am complimented on my childrens behaviour wherever we go and they are totally non aggressive. Neither have ever hit another child not even as toddlers so I haven't made them aggressive by the odd smack on the hand or bottom. I think belittling children verbally is worse abuse than the odd smack - calling them stupid and telling them to shut up and much worse. I can stand to see a child slapped on the hand but not called a stupid git or cow of whatever - makes me so angry

A jolly good smack, so that they know adults are stronger than them and can at any moment resort to violence.
That should keep the little blighters in their place, teach them all about respect, courtesy & authority. Hopefully, it will sting a bit and make a nice red mark on their skin too, just so they know that there is no shilly shallying about & when mummy hits them, it is so that it hurts.

Whats' not?