Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

slapping or no slapping?

458 replies

Vindaloo · 21/08/2006 21:46

I am a single mum, DD is 2 and half years now. She's a live wire and just being a normal cheeky toddler really. I have found myself slapping her on her bottom or raising my voice when trying to dicipline her. I always assumed I would be a chilled out mum, but I suppose being a single parent with DDs father choosing to play no part in her life and family living far away doesnt help. I hate it and it really upsets me and I feel so guilty and crap about slapping/shouting. I think I have some anger management issues. Any advice on what I should do? where to go for help?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
ScummyMummy · 23/08/2006 16:07

er, greensleeves, agree with you.
er, speedymama, have no doubt the britsh tourists were being vile but am astonished that you are arguing that police should be able to clip people round the ear. It was the tacit acceptance of that sort of behaviour that used to lead to police brutality, imo.

Perhaps we should extend the slapping privilege to all authority figures?

Traffic Warden: "No parking on yellow lines"

Council Official:"You are late paying your council tax."

Nurse: "Drunken behaviour in A & E is unacceptable."

sleepysooz · 23/08/2006 17:27

I am exhausted reading this thread!

I am in the same position as 'Cleaninglady' It sounds idealistic not to tap/slap. Makes ya feel inadequate, sad and totally out of control, if can't be dealt with in an adult manner.

Please Bugsy2 explain with a couple of examples of how you manage naughty behaviour! I have twins 2.10 dd & ds and a 10yo ds

Plus Bugsy2 what do you do to get rid of frustrations, or are you one of these placid people who can deal with anything calmly

kittywits · 23/08/2006 18:25

FHS it is only because people have now got such a wimpy attitude to discpline, going on about assult and other such nonsense, that we have such a disrespectful non society. There is no just punnishment for misdemenours (sp?) it's not assult, it's disciplining.
yes, I expect complete obedience from my children. I do not believe children should question parents. It is not healthy and children need parents to be a solid authority for them, not their friends.When they are young adults we can discuss things, not when they are young children. If I feel I have done wrong I will apologise. Negotiating and children? No thanks.

ScummyMummy · 23/08/2006 18:30

You don't think a police person hitting someone is assault, kittywits? [baffled emoticon]

Greensleeves · 23/08/2006 18:33

I'm by no means a perfect parent, but I'm very glad I don't think the way you do, Kittywits. I can't imagine perceiving my children as the enemy, and affording them so little dignity and so few rights. .

kittywits · 23/08/2006 18:34

No, honestly I don't. I wish the police here had more powers to control out of control drunks. As I've said before the human rights act has alot to answer for. The police and teachers as well have been so stripped of their powers to effectively control as to make the situation now actually pretty worrying.

Greensleeves · 23/08/2006 18:37

What's next on your list of social reforms, Kittywits? Public hangings? Birchings in the town square every Saturday?

Thankfully your views represent a dwindling lunatic fringe.

kittywits · 23/08/2006 18:38

sory Greensleeves, why are you making things up? who mentioned enemies and dignity. I didn't. Please don't make assumptions on my feelings towards my children based soley on something you have made up, which in iself is driven completely by your own parenting bias. I could equally start doing so about your parenting. I have never attacked anyone here or made assumptions about how they feel about their own children. I have no right to do that, no one does.

kittywits · 23/08/2006 18:40

Now I'm a lunatic? It's shame you feel so threatened by my viewws that your only recourse is to become abusive. I'm afraid your choice of language makes you seem, well, not very nice, shall we say.

Greensleeves · 23/08/2006 18:41

I don't think my remark was abusive. I didn't call you a lunatic. I said "your views represent a dwindling lunatic fringe". I stand by it.

mumoftwoangels · 23/08/2006 18:50

i can see this is still a very emotive subject, but lets remember that it is very easy to say not to smack, but it is very different situation when you are the parent there having to deal with the situation at the time. That does not say it is right, nor do i wish to judge those who chose to smack without knowing them.

The best that we can do is try to find positive alternatives that work.!

JML · 23/08/2006 18:59

Anyone noticed that the original poster left here sometime in the last century?
Please people let's wind it up. It's getting abusive and none of us want that, I know.

mumoftwoangels · 23/08/2006 19:03

having read my message i realised i sound like a social worker!! (no offence to sw. I made my eldest daughter a promise on New years day that i wouldn't smack her when she was naughty, i'd find another punishment. Like most New Years resolutions i have sadly broken it twice this year. The look of sheer sadness in my dd1 eyes as she reminds me of my promise reminds me that the punishment did not perhaps fit the crime. I have not done it for a while now. She still has times when she is naughty, not smacking hasn't altered her behaviour (not that she was naughty much anyway). But sending her to her room, and putting her in a timeout corner does work on her.

Any suggestions for a super wilful 3 year old might be useful though as she is too young to understand timeout!

kittywits · 23/08/2006 19:05

The whole tenor of what you have said is offensive. Obviously you cannot see that , that is interesting.
Do you normally react in such an unpleasant and agressive way to people whose ideas you do not support? Do you consider it normal to make spurious assumptions about how people perceive their children?
Believe it or not greensleeves,people are allowed to have differing views to you. It is not a crime and you do not have to behave in the way you have. You seem to find no problem with your behaviour, says alot to me.
I am quite happy to have a reasoned disscussion with any one on their views, discussion is not reasoned.

I also believe that the tide will turn regarding corperal punnishment and in the future people will look back on this crazy "hands off" period with horror and wonder why the consequences weren't forseen.

cowmad · 23/08/2006 19:16

(have read the whole thread)
fwiw i`m with kitywits

kittywits · 23/08/2006 19:18

Hello cowmad we can be lunatics together then

cowmad · 23/08/2006 19:27

absolutly kittywits
what about poor old vindaloo tho? does she feel this has all been of use to her?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/08/2006 19:45

"I do not believe children should question parents."

Why not kitty? Should parents not be answerable at all for their actions, irrespective of what actions they are?

"It is not healthy and children need parents to be a solid authority for them, not their friends."

I dont understand what you mean about not being friends with your children. It implies that there is no love and affection, im sure this isnt the case........

Anyway, IIRC, assualt is a criminal offence, is it not? Whichever side of the law you are on...

kittywits · 23/08/2006 19:47

Judging by the ferocity of some of the anti smacking faction I would say that vindaloo will have gone away from this feeling even worse about her actions ( which are ok. in my book) than she did before she posted

WideWebWitch · 23/08/2006 19:50

Haven't read this but bet it's kicked off. I'm with the antis

cowmad · 23/08/2006 19:54

vvv does so not imply there is no love or affection in kittywits family!!
thats just the problem people are allways assuming that they know exactly what the other person means or saying or implying why cant it ever be just exactly what she is saying!!no more no less

malteser1 · 23/08/2006 19:57

Read the whole message and I strongly feel that whether to smack or not is totally the parents decision. To have this taken out of your hands by human rights groups / childcare charities / police is wrong.
I am not against smacking but can count on both hands the number of times I have smacked my children. Each time was never in the heat of the moment and it was a conscious decision to smack them because I felt other punishmnts needed to be supported by an immediate 'sharp shock' punishment. I never smacked to hurt and don't feel that a smack should cause anything other than an immediate temporary sensation and a real sense of shock. My girls have only cried that I have had to smack them, not at the actual punishment itself.
However we are all human and I am sure there will be a time when I react in the heat of the moment and smack through anger. I hope when this does happen that I don't hurt my DD's and can be big enough to say sorry. Vindaloo I'm sure you are doing smashing job and the fact that you are the type of peson who gives thoughts to their actions shows what type of parent you are. When a perfectly flawless prototype parent comes along then they can criticise your parenting skills.
There are those who beat their children as opposed to chastising them, but I doubt they are concerned enough as parents to be on a website where everyone is seeking to become a better parent.
Groundings, timeouts and removals of priveleges /toys are always the best methods to punish, but sometimes a lasting memory of a short sharp smack can prevent your child from putting themselves in danger.
For those who deem smacking of children to be bordering on child cruelty, I would like to add that I have seen many parents who never take a hand to their children act in far crueller ways, name calling and putting their children down on a constant basis. I would feel that this type of cruelty would be far mnore damaging in the long run.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/08/2006 19:58

I wasnt making any assumptions, that's exactly why I asked cowmad, clearly. Elsewise I'dve just said "you are obviously unloving and uncaring".

I say what I mean, when I mean it. Always do. Is kitty going to clarify?

nearlythree · 23/08/2006 19:58

There is a world of difference between hitting a child and regretting it and hitting a child and feeling pleased with yourself. There are quite a few of us who are against smacking who have offered help to Vindaloo and if you look you will see she has found it useful.

An adult hitting a child is worse than an adult hitting another adult. Children are small, easily hurt, and easily convinced that they are of no worth. Smacking/hitting works through shame, pain and fear. A child who gets what they want by using superior physical strength and humiliation is a bully. How is it different when an adult does it?

jacsmum · 23/08/2006 20:03

I don't agree with smacking, think most parents end up doing it from time to time, and think that children don't generally end up traumatised or more aggressive or whatever because of it. It's easy to say you disagree if you haven't had to parent a child who really misbehaves (which is not all a result of parenting, whatever the smug parents of naturally well-mannered children might think, anymore than you can control whether or not your newborn is a screamer).

Anyway, I had an idea to share with Vindaloo. My ds2 is really naughty and too little (1.9) to reason with effectively. He'll happily spend the day chucking toys out of the window and drawing on the sofa, and laughs when told off. I have put up a travel cot in the hall, and he goes straight in it for a while when misbehaving. This always stops him from doing whatever he had just been doing, and means I don't have to shout or do anything else.