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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

slapping or no slapping?

458 replies

Vindaloo · 21/08/2006 21:46

I am a single mum, DD is 2 and half years now. She's a live wire and just being a normal cheeky toddler really. I have found myself slapping her on her bottom or raising my voice when trying to dicipline her. I always assumed I would be a chilled out mum, but I suppose being a single parent with DDs father choosing to play no part in her life and family living far away doesnt help. I hate it and it really upsets me and I feel so guilty and crap about slapping/shouting. I think I have some anger management issues. Any advice on what I should do? where to go for help?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

hulababy · 21/08/2006 21:51

I think if you feel you have anger management issues you should go and speak to you HV or GP, and see if there is any support you can get.

Also if you are suffering with anger management issues - you really do need to try and stop the slapping. Smacking in anger is not good, as I am sure you know. Can you try and develop some other techniques to implelemt - even have them written down if necessary to remind you at the time - warning; time out; removing a toy (until earned back); star charts?

hewlettsdaughter · 21/08/2006 21:52

Raising my voice I do, slapping I don't. You are obviously not happy with the situation, so can you see someone to try and get referred to anger management or parent craft classes or something?

poopy · 21/08/2006 21:59

At 2 and a half time out is a good discipline I find ...
Slapping will only teach your child to hit others when she is cross ...
I agree with hulababy - if you are struggling and have anger issues, go and see your GP and ask for some support.

Original poster

Vindaloo · 21/08/2006 22:00

I joined a gym last week and started yoga classes as some sort of release (and to get fit!)

Yes, I should speak to my GP and see what she can recommend.

What annoys me about myself is that I will start off being calm etc. but it escalates very quickly into frustration!

OP posts:

hermykne · 21/08/2006 22:01

vindaloo, there are 2 long long threads about this matter, somewhere both quite recent. will try to find.

but have u a star chart - reward system for her, she should get the jist at ther age for it.
have u a spot where she goes after say 3 warnings? for time out
have u told her what happens if after 3 warnings...
its constant repition until they eventually might understand

but at the same time you must praise praise when tye are being good, if its its only washing their teeth or helping up carry a shopping bag (even thou they cant)
then chat about the day at bedtime and aks her when was mum nice and happy and when we're u cross and why, and maybe tomorrow we will both be good and maybe mum gets a treat or a surprise whatever word is best for the situation, play a little game with her so she learns your feelings too.hth

hairymclary · 21/08/2006 22:03

I think parentcraft classes are a really good idea. They may be able to give you some good ideas of other techniques to try such as time out and things like that.
if you feel like shouting then just try and stay calm in your head, and count to ten before doing anything.
Remember, she is just a child and shouting at her won't solve anything. I do think it's good that you've recognised that it is a problem though, that's the first step to changing things

nearlythree · 21/08/2006 22:04

Lots of good advice here. Have a look at the parenting section on the BBC's website, they have fact sheets and clips from programmes like Little Angels and The House of Tiny Tearaways that deal with just these issues. You can also get books of these programmes, try your library who can order them in for you, and also Supernanny and The Secret of Happy Children by Steve Biddulph, and Supernanny also has a magazine out. Your hv will be able to support you too. Maybe there are parenting classes around too?

AngelaChill · 21/08/2006 22:04

As a single mum I wouldn't recommend mentioning anger management issues to your HV or GP, SS get wind pretty quickly and start taking an interest. Be a bit more subtle and enroll on a parenting course or ask for help within the family first.

nearlythree · 21/08/2006 22:08

I do agree a bit with Angela, you can ask for advice on discipline without needing to mention anger. Yoga will help with this anyway, and maybe meditation.

nearlythree · 21/08/2006 22:09

Also what about a herbal stress relief remedy like Kalms, or aromatherapy?

Original poster

Vindaloo · 21/08/2006 22:10

Yes please do let me know if you find the other 2 threads it would be greatly appreciated.

I used to have a naughty corner, that was difficult to maintain as I live in a flat and wasnt the ideal space - maybe I just gave up too quickly. The 3 warnings sounds good, what would you suggest would happen after 3 warnings?

I have been thinking about the star chart but not quite sure how to get started on that.

I always try to make sure that there are lots of positive reinforcements and praises.

OP posts:

hulababy · 21/08/2006 22:11

Time out after 3rd warning. Place can be anywhere really, but away from you with no attention

aviatrix · 21/08/2006 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hulababy · 21/08/2006 22:14

Some free, downloadable and print out reward charts on \link{http://www.activityvillage.co.uk/free_printable_certificates.htm#Colourful_blank_charts:_\here). Just add a smily face for each time she does something really good, or has had a good day (set your expectations to achievable tones for a 2 year old).

Have a treat after x number of smiley faces - a comic, a day out, a chocolate var, etc.

threebob · 21/08/2006 22:14

Don't do 3 warnings - you just end up with a child that is naughty 3 times in succession as that is the way to get your attention. Therefore they do the naughty thing 3 times and only get put in time out once.

Their maths improves no end - however it sends confusing signals.

Time out straight away and then they can see what the problem is. Also it's useful for you - because you get space straight away, not seething, waiting for the 3rd time.

Original poster

Vindaloo · 21/08/2006 22:14

Thats a really good point about not mentioning anger management to HV/GP an dfocus on discipline. Have never thought about herbal remedies - will give it a go. Thankyou!!

OP posts:

aviatrix · 21/08/2006 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nearlythree · 21/08/2006 22:17

Not a huge fan of time out for little ones, although I did use it a couple of times for dd1 when all else failed. My reservation with Supernanny is that she goes way overboard with the naughty step thing. I find distraction better with a two yr old, and loads of interaction. Ignoring bad behaviour is good, but it depends what it is.

nearlythree · 21/08/2006 22:18

You can buy Kalms in most chemists.

nearlythree · 21/08/2006 22:21

Nice link, aviatrix. But I know from experience that using techniques such as reflective listening, whilst effective with a four yr old, don't cut much ice with a toddler. Telling her she sounds angry doesn't make a huge amount of difference!

Original poster

Vindaloo · 21/08/2006 22:23

Thankyou Aviatrix for the link, I have just read it and its full of common sense. I shall print it out and have it on the fridge and read it often to remind myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vindaloo · 21/08/2006 22:25

I bought the super nanny book a while ago and I am inclined to think the naughty step is a bit much. when I first start using it, it was difficult to maintain and what do you do when you are out and about?

I have to say just chatting now is so helpful

OP posts:

fluffymum · 21/08/2006 22:31

I have had anger management counselling...I used to be on very short fuse and worried about my loss of control and wanted to get help before anything scary happened. At the time had 2 y/o boy. My anger used to esculate very rapidly. I am not a single mum but i do appreciate how difficult it must be for you, but please don't slap. i was a very angry and sad person inside. My anger was frightening. I went to see a therapist, I had 3 half hour sessions. It changed my life. My anger dissapated it was amazing. Can you afford to go privately at £15-30 a session? Do it now. Phone up tomorrow. The lady who said you have taken the first step by recognising you have a problem is right. Trust me, recognising the problem is the most difficult thing and you have done it! Well done you!! Take care to chose a therapist experienced in anger and the reasons for it. Good luck.

nearlythree · 21/08/2006 22:31

I agree, even worse in the magazine parents have sent in pictures of their children on the step! But there is a lot of good stuff in there too, I esp. like the way she emphasises getting down to a child's level and making eye contact. My two yr old would never stay still on the naughty step, it would just end up being one huge fight. I do think she needs to learn some discipline because as adults we need to know that actions have consequences, but it is hard to find what that should be in a tiny one.

If you like the link aviatrix put up then you'd also probably like the Steve Biddulph book, and Raising Happy Children (can't think who wrote it off the top of my head) and How to talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk.

Original poster

Vindaloo · 21/08/2006 22:43

The way you described your anger fluffymum, I could relate to. Will look into therapists too.

OP posts:

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