Oh, Monkey :( I'm sorry you're feeling so strained. If it helps I have a friend in real life here who has four children and she describes the period of having two (or more) under five as being "in the trenches" and she is extremely sympathetic towards anybody in that stage. It will get better. It will.
Renegade Mothering, which I love because it is sweary and angry and hilariously honest as all out and it tells the raw, the awfulness, the hard parts, everything about parenting that nobody ever surfaces because we are afraid if it comes out it will hurt somebody, this week wrote an incredible article about how she was hoping four would be a magical switch for her daughter - her youngest daughter, so it's not like she is doing this for the first time - and it wasn't.
The loss of self when you have children is so real, and so frightening and so sudden and painful. It's like a nail being ripped off the nail bed. Not one of us can imagine it before it happens, and the worst part is the gap between what happens to us as mothers, and what happens to our husbands, boyfriends, partners is so huge that we feel so alone with it. We can't share it with them because they don't get it. We can't share it with other women because we're scared they will think we're bad mothers. I'm going to share with you another Renegade Mothering post because it is so true and so heartbreaking but it does contain hope. (and if you want to read the four year old post just click on the home page of this afterwards) This one will make you cry (just a warning!) www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/i-became-a-mother-and-died-to-live/
There was also a post a little while ago where a lot of people poured out their feelings in regard to this and it was wonderful and beautiful and frightening and true all at the same time. I'll see if I can find it if you're interested. In fact a few of us had a support thread going. I should PM some people and see how they are doing.
Did I ever talk about how I grieved for the relationship I had with DS before DH came on the scene? I had forgotten that. At the time it seemed so important and so all encompassing. I was always all that DS had, XP was not involved. When I left I left for him, almost more than for myself. And for a year we had a beautiful co-operative one to one relationship, almost as equals, in a way. It was so special, just the two of us. We needed each other and as such I couldn't rely on discipline like time out, etc, because I was all that he had and we needed to be able to coexist. Everything was great. And then it just happened that DH came along and although I couldn't imagine being without him now, he did disrupt that relationship that we had and it became "us and him". Suddenly I have an ally, and he has nobody. That's over dramatic and of course we're not at war with him or anything and he is fine and we are supportive and it's not like we're constantly shouting at him or punishing him or anything like that, but it changed. I remember talking to my mum about it at the time because I was worried about losing that very unique relationship and we did. And it's different, and it's okay but I used to wonder what if a lot. In hindsight, I know it was his age which changed things, because his age has brought change the other way, and I've found I'm not alone. And if I think back there were challenges before DH was around or got so involved and things were heading that way anyway and it was just a stage we had to go through. He is six in October, so it's been three years. 2.5 for the toughest part but three years. He's okay now. We're okay. (I'm not okay, but I don't think that's related to him as such.) If your DS is outside the range of normal then you will deal with that and he will be fine. It's just about finding out what works for him, just as with any child, in fact any person you interact with.
Stupid quote to end my ridiculously long post (as usual): Everything will be okay in the end. If it isn't okay, it isn't the end.