Does anyone else want to come and be a better parent with me?

[AnotherMonkey]

I've just deleted my original post in an attempt to be more positive.

I'm very low tonight, both of mine (4.5 and nearly 2) are pushing me so far beyond my limits at the moment.

So instead of posting my rant of misery, I wondered if anyone felt like joining me in choosing one thing to be less crap at at time?

Tomorrow, I am going to begin by taking it all less seriously. I'm going to try really really hard not to shout at all (this is difficult because DS is deaf at the moment and often does things which are not safe or bloody annoying but I'm going to find ways around it if I can). Essentially I'm going to try to take a step back and instead of letting poor behaviour bring me down, I'm going to try to isolate problems so that they can be dealt with. I might even make a list. I like lists.

(This evening was so bad I never want to see my neighbours again. I'm quiet, smart and even tempered in real life. Tonight our house must have sounded like a war zone. Or the screaming toddler equivalent. It's shit and it has to change).

This seems well timed! :)

www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/two-children-crying-meltdown-upset-at-same-time/

Urgh we are all sick here and DS is either feeling much better or much worse as his behaviour ARGH! Throwing things, swiping things onto the floor, breaking things, wiping messy hands on the window while I'm off getting a cloth to wipe them, jumping on me repeatedly, not listening, agreeing to stop a behaviour then immediately doing it again... You know the kind of thing

I am handling it the opposite of how I want to and how I have been able to recently. No patience, shouty, threatening to take toys away, grouching - my behaviour is shocking too! It is making his worse and it's a real reminder for me of how my reactions feed his. Feeling rotten and having no energy really makes it hard to maintain patience, calm and connection! I need to reset myself and DS, all ideas for doing this while poorly are welcome

I've asked my dd to help me because I'm tired/ill before and asked her to watch out for me being tired and grumpy as it's because I don't feel great and it's definitely helped!?

not sure. Just stopping by to say I've had a few good days. no shouting . Faith restored. Doubt it'll last long?!

I'm with you both. Not ill as such, but run down and tired and prickly. DH has taken them both out for a bit, which he said he'd do when we chatted last night, but he did it with such bad grace that now I'm grumpy with him too. He's taken them to the park. On foot. No pushchair or umbrella. It's pelting down. So he'll be in a crap mood too by the time he gets back.

Happy days...!!

I'm finding this complete lack of quiet, alone time seriously tough.

Well, we have survived glitter. Not glitter glue but the hellish loose glitter on friday and baking today with no loss of temper. Though I cheated. DD and DT2 and I baked the cake while DT1 napped. DT1 and I decorated the cake after DT2 had thrown sand in his eyes and it took me ages to get it out and calm him down, he was hysterical so never working with all 3 which I find so difficult.
3 more rainy days to get through and keep patient though
Think my mum is coming to see us help me tomorrow though.

I really must turn off the TV and go to bed though. 2 bad ish nights. 3 wake up each night. I can sense the tiredness of the shouting is coming if I don't go to bed early tonight!!

How have your weekends gone everyone? I know you are in house move hell claire

Oh and monkey I went for a run today. Left dt1 going mental I wasn't taking him. DH so bad humoured about the whole hour he had them- and let them watch tv which I don't let them do at that time . anyway- it was almost not worth running. especially in the rain. It's one bloody hour DH, I have multiple hours in the week they all.cry for you, or spend a lot of energy lamping each other etc etc.

Thanks for the warm welcome.

Hope you don't mind me asking a couple of questions.

I've been looking at the links and books you've posted in the early days. From where you are now rather than then, which would you recommend for a newbie. I've read how to talk to children so they will listen and siblings without rivalry and think there was good tips in them.

Also for those of you working on perfectionism issues. How are you doing this? I don't expect my children to be perfect in their behaviour the perfectionism is all directed at myself and how I deal with things and get things done each day.

Thanks.

another you are so right, that time to yourself is essential. DP bless him took DS to the park for three hours, both sneezing and hacking but had a great time getting out. And I had a great time by myself at home for the first time in ages! We all felt so much better afterwards. Getting that space was the key for me. And the trip to the park was what DS needed to reset him. I wasn't up to it, gosh I really felt grateful to DP!

cake and any other struggling perfectionists like myself I really recommend Brene Brown. She has a heaven sent book called something like The Gifts of Imperfection. I got it out of the library and also watched her TED talks on vulnerability and shame.

Don't let the dreary sounding subjects put you off, it is potentially life changing stuff! At least for me! I think she has a parenting book too but I haven't seen it. Her work really resonated with me and has given me a lot of food for thought.

dreaming that's not cheating, it's just good sense! Baking AND glitter gets you lots of messy brownie points :) I find it difficult to switch off and get to bed too, sometimes I'm not sure whether it's the peace to think and just be me, or the sleep I need more. They're settling quite late since the holiday and there just isn't enough evening left.

cake it's the aha daily emails which have had the most impact for me, but I think it's because they're regular bite-sized reminders, as I can never seem to finish the books, more than anything else.

dishes I'm going to have to look up that perfectionist woman now!

Another vote for Brene Brown. I am just re-reading the gifts of imperfection now. Watch her TED talks to get an idea. Definitely agree with Dishes that its life changing stuff.

Nightmarish couple of days here. DD is has just been wall to wall temper tantrums. Just constantly screaming about everything. It has been so wearing for me and DH. I tried calling our bedroom the screaming room earlier and said she could scream there as much as she wanted. I just lay next to her reading and said I was ready to give her a cuddle whenever she wanted. That helped her to calm down for a bit but then 30 minutes later another tantrum because the number 3 she had written didn't look right. When I've tried to talk to her about why she is so out of sorts she says she doesn't want DS to be in our family. She still seems to really struggle with him at times. We try to give her one on one time regularly during which she is always lovely but I don't want to spend all of our weekends doing separate activities. Off to check AHA for some inspiration, hope everyone else had a better day.

I do love Laura Markham and the daily updates. plus the 'peaceful parent happy kids' book.

Another day survived. Got snappy at bedtime when overtired dd wouldn't settle but i was snappy not shouting. Do I have to go back to day 1 of the Orange Rhino challenge for that?!

I've searched BB but can only find bits and pieces - does anyone have a link to anything of hers really worth reading/watching online?

dreaming I stopped counting my 'no shouting' days because it didn't feel like the right focus for me. There were so many other ways to be the parent I didn't want to be! It goes a bit deeper than just not shouting in my eyes, although it was a brilliant start to get focused.

Agreed. Whatever feels right for you Dreaming. You could start over and try to beat your score or you could count it as an exception.

Rich have you tried Siblings Without Rivalry? It's by the same authors as How To Talk.

Here are a couple of links to BB's two TED talks:

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

Yes another the no-shouting count was a perfect starting place. Funny where we have ended up a few months on, looking at so many different issues!

I still feel rotten but DS seems more his energy filled self. Not sure how I will keep up with him

bunly that sounds nightmarish, hope things are improving! A for you!

Oh for goodness sake. my post just disappeared. So frustrating.

I'm trying to stay calm at bedtime. A bit unsuccessfully. I'm just so sick of them today and they're shouting (muuuuummy, MUMMY, go away, can't- boys particularly being horrible) and dd has had a solid afternoon of tantrums and I've had enough. I just told dt2 fairly aggressively that he wasn't getting any water if he didn't get back into bed and stay there. DH told me off for the way I did it. Sigh. Although bedtimes are miles better than pre sleep consultant they're still really tricky and can go wrong so easily and take forever. Though I do have all 3 in bed for 7:50 which is good going in this house (though I guess late. overall for 2 and 3 year olds)

Uphill struggle today after a night spent on dt1 floor as he was poorly. At least I didn't cave and bring him in with us and mess up the while point of doing the sleep consultant thing (put an.end to cosleeping and being kicked in the head all night)

anyway, all going mad..best go and try not to shout.

Bertie yes I've got siblings without rivalry. Must reread the relevant sections - I know last time I did that it helped me more empathetic with DD.

Thanks for the vino Dishes much needed. The last couple of days have been much better though, to my relief. Perhaps she just got it out of her system or something. We've had the odd moment but generally so much better. I've been working on talking more positively to her. I know sometimes I slip into chiding her a bit too much so trying to remember to let the little things go and when there are things I need to pick her up on, like being rough with DS, just tell her once rather than on and on broken record style.

Dreaming you have my sympathy with bedtimes. We've been through some really tough times with them and I have seriously struggled and frequently failed to keep my cool. And I'm only dealing with 2 of them. I think when you've had a long day and the end is in sight if they would just stop buggering about and go to sleep it takes the patience of a saint not to snap sometimes. And great that you've made progress with the co-sleeping. DD and DS are now in their own room. But I sleep in there with them. Would be lovely to sleep in with DH again...

We've got friends staying at the moment so not getting time to post! Just dropped in to see how everyone was getting on and to say thanks dishes for the TED links - will be watching as soon as I get chance.

Yesss!
Quickly popping in to say we have had a great day despite a disturbed night as usual but one extra child up too . Probably largely due to good weather, being out then having friends we went out bike riding with back to play.

Makes up for me having lost the plot yesterday when I was cleaning the car and all 3 climbing all over it getting in my way and I shouted at them all to stop being such a nuisance and get out of the car... Baby steps. At least I managed my renewed day 1 of the orange rhino challenge

Will be back soon with a more useful post.

Ugh I feel back to square one. Boundary pushing, etc have broken me today. No idea where my resiliance is but I want some back. DS was repeatedly harrassing pets today. He loves them dearly but cannot refrain from chasing them despite being told a bazillion times that it is not okay, blah blah, positive behaviour affirming, negative behaviour consequences (being taken inside, trike confiscated, etc). We've seen so much improvement over the last six months but oh my god having animals hassled is one of my buttons and it is pressed often at the moment! We will rehome them probably

Or I might just be overreacting, I can't quite tell at the moment. Today I feel like surely he must be special needs because how else can this be so hard? The oppositional behaviour is so draining. It has been getting easier but the last few days... I found today I was suddenly empty of patience and hope.

Why is this so hard? I doubt my parenting so much today. If I am such a great parent why is his behaviour still so shite? Every situation you could interpret the kid and their behaviour a bunch of different ways depending on which author you've read that day.

I try to stick to my values, be calm, be firm, state boundaries, state consequences, follow through, let it slide when it seems minor, empathise, connect, blah blah... But DS still seems often so angry and impulsive and anti so often and there MUST be a big part of me that expects that behaviour to melt away if I do all the 'right' things. Even when I don't think I expect that! Mainly I just don't want to raise an aggressive brat.

He's almost four, am I expecting too much of him? I don't know today. He's displayed lovely empathetic behaviour (as well as the crappy) even towards the same pets he's constantly chasing around the place. And to a moth he found on the windowsill, underneath the window he was banging in anger. He stopped banging the window, asked the moth if it was okay, picked it up carefully, let it go outside, talking to it nicely the whole time. Forgot about banging the window and settled down peacefully on the couch. It's like bloody Jekyll and Hyde! It is very confusing.

Sorry to empty my brain at you all. Phew. I had to get this out and maybe get perspective from you all in the trenches

dreaming that is fantastic! Good days are so good for the parenting soul!

Actually for objectivity's sake I should remember that we had a really good one too just a few days ago. Also I am still a bit ill, DS is recovering too, plus we've been in each other's pockets for days now having had to keep DS home from nursery. I think we really need time out from each other. I do anyway!

Dreaming sounds like your time 'in' has been good!

dishes my dd is 4 in September, in about 3 weeks actually. Huge triggers for me are her pushing, pulling, hitting and kicking the dts. We took her friend to the playground on Monday (we being me and my mum as I'm not brave enough to take 4 under 4 with one not being mine by myself) the dts were on balance bikes. The nearly 4's on scooters. I saw my dd, from me and my mum being behind them chivvying the 2 year old along, my dd physically hauling the friend off his scooter (same as hers, also one of ours so not new to her) and basically being rough and awful to him. I wasn't close enough to gently move her away and say "I won't let you hurt him and snatch" which I would have wanted to do so ended up bellowing at her to let go of him That's often my problem. I'll be eg changing one boy's nappy and she'll be having a go at the other so I'm not available to do it the 'right' way and then I've lost patience she hasn't listened. Surely it's ok to expect a nearly 4 year old to not be so aggressive and bratty? "I want it now" often shouted at me. Yesterday we went for a bike ride with other friends and dd, after having seen me stop dt2 throwing sand and talking about sand in.eyes really hurting and him crying, then threw a handful of sand in her friends direction/face. WTAF? ?? Though met friends to feed ducks the day before, 7 children under 5 and 3 of us couldn't stop our 3 or nearly 4 year old chasing the ducks and both the dts kicked one (there were loads and came up close and scared the boys but they properly booted them- mortified). oh- and feeling overwhelmed in the moment by my 3 is also a trigger for me.

I am worried by her aggressive demanding behaviour in just the same way you are dishes and actually with the sand incident maybe I shouldn't be so smug about yesterday as my reaction was to grab her by both arms lift her away and say you do not throw sand, it will get in eyes. ..She went and sat by herself a minute and I went and got her and cuddled her and said I'm not cross now but I will not let you throw sand.

I don't know if this is helpful or I am in fact raising an aggressive brat Again, she can be absolutely lovely and very empathetic. And then loads of stuff like this...

Hmm, maybe I should give an example of my dd being pleasant too- she will stay with a hurt dt if she wasn't the perpetrator and I've heard her say, it's ok, we'll look after you, mummy's coming and comfort them well. And shows concern and empathy if I don't feel well. but, oh, the violent outbursts

dreaming I feel overwhelmed in the moment by one DC, quite often, so I think you are doing amazingly well. I can understand picking up a young sand thrower by the arms, you would instinctively want to restrain those arms immediately! It seems fair to tell her that she can't do what she did and then go reconnect with a cuddle after she had some time to cool off or process or whatever.

Any and all stories of 3-4 year olds being bloody minded as well as sweet and empathetic, I am all ears!

Especially around animals. I could become vegan if it wasn't for a huge love of dairy products (and convenience right now) Am far down the gentle and possibly over-sensitive end of the spectrum with how animals get treated. I may need a dose of sad realism about the chasing of ducks, chickens and cats...

But so many people say how gentle their little kids are with animals and pets. Me never having pulled wings off flies or magnified sun onto ants or anything like that, I assumed any fruit from these bleeding heart loins would be the same from birth! Still I did tap on aquariums to make fish swim and nudge sleeping cats so they would wake up and play, things like that. Probably did some chasing too in my day, I have blocked it out though

The brat thing stuck in my mind from some stupid article I read on the net about how to tell if your child is a brat. No age specified, just if your child throws a tantrum they are a brat, if they don't share they are too, etc. Nothing about age appropriate developmental stages, just the label of brat. Very negative and it stuck with me much more than I wanted. Made me wonder how many others think like that and see DS as just a brat and if it was actually valid and we are going about things all wrong after all

Mine can be gentle. Then they can try and touch their eyes and just be very not gentle and they all chase ducks and geese, and cats who they want to stroke who don't want to be stroked and actually given half the chance I don't think they'd be able to stop themselves chasing most things I'm reassured by the others chasing ducks despite their mother's repeated requests to stop though- one is only 4 weeks younger than my dd too

I can supply many more dreadful 3 and 4 year old behaviour stories too!