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Original poster

OK - all you non smackers - what would you do instead then?

301 replies

lisalisa · 13/07/2006 11:20

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Enid · 13/07/2006 12:07

I would have helped her get her cossie off and given her a cuddle.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/07/2006 12:08

secur I must admit i have never locked any of my kids in the bedroom
the boundary is the door entrance to the landing
and they dont cross it
until they can behave
but understand what you are saying re the excuses

bakedpotato · 13/07/2006 12:09

Really, Enid? If she had screamed at you to do it immediately?

SecurMummy · 13/07/2006 12:09

OO - I think I have tried to be very helpful - what's this only the op is allowed to get frustrated with what is bing posted?

I don't think so

Enid · 13/07/2006 12:10

yes

because in my kids case they have massive tantrums when they are tired and feeling unable to communicate

it always works here

FrannyandZooey · 13/07/2006 12:10

Enid I do love you and I am still waiting for you to come and adopt me

Enid · 13/07/2006 12:11

also if you expect a five year old to always be polite and respectful you are setting yourself up for a big fall IMO

desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/07/2006 12:11

chase them back up to start off with
yeh it is tiring etc but it has to be done and it doesnt take very long tbh if you are consistent
to instil into the child that you mean business

as soon as they are quiet allow them down the stairs and ask them if they are going to behave
if they say yes
bring them down
if they start whining again
shout bed and send them back up there
until they do

FrannyandZooey · 13/07/2006 12:11

I bet your children are ruddy delightful too

oliveoil · 13/07/2006 12:11

I think she is struggling with a difficult situation and trying to work through it, sarky comments will not help imo.

But you can post what you like, I was trying to keep the thread on track .

Anyway, off out to lunch, good luck lisalisa.

xx

blueshoes · 13/07/2006 12:12

I am an anti-smacker with a strong-willed dd. Tantrums are a common feature in my house, some days worse than others. Agree with zippi that heading off tantrums is better than dealing with a full blown one when dd has effectively lost control.

In the scenario you described, you acted reasonably and dd still went "off on one". The smack seemed to work but I don't know whether that will create a vicious circle in the long run. Granted your dd was already worn out and needed a face-saving way to stop. My mother caned me for fighting with my siblings and although I hated her for it (threatened to report her to the authorities!), I remember in some perverse way, I would escalate the fights just to get that response from her. So that I could hate her more. How mixed up is that?? A smack is not caning (I do appreciate), but I remember it was the unfairness of the situation (ie mother strong, me small and weak) which made me very bitter.

Anyway, you asked what anto-smackers would do. I ignore dd and after, say 5-10 mins, go to her and try to comfort her with cuddles/alternatives. She is probably afraid of her emotions and needs your help to calm down. If it does not work, I put her down and ignore her for another 10 mins. Repeat for as long as necessary. She will burn herself out at some stage (yes, could take hours) but at least you got the message across that you did not give in but you love her anyway even though she was tantrumming.

If her behaviour was about testing limits, this would go down in her experience that mummy stays firm. If it was because she was overwhelmed by her emotions, this would go down as mummy will help me get over it and loves me unconditionally.

I do admit to yelling at my dd during these times as well - hey, not perfect. But at the end of it, always cuddles and reconciliation. JMO.

SecurMummy · 13/07/2006 12:13

dcw I have never locked any of my children anywhere - equally I have never been put in this position either.

Original poster
lisalisa · 13/07/2006 12:14

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OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 13/07/2006 12:15

LisaLisa, in my opinion- and it is only that - letting a child scream it out in the garden with zero attention is better than smacking them. For me, it means that somehow the adult is still in control & has not allowed the small annoying person to drive them to do something they would rather not.
I really have had to "apply" myself to ds's behaviour. His was so bad we ended up at a child psychologists. Bucket loads of praise & ruthless consequence enforcing have really worked. By 5 you must have a pretty good idea of the things your dd likes to do best. Pick something fairly straight forward & get right down to her level so you know she can hear you & say that if she doesn't stop, then she can't do xxx & then make sure that this happens. Once you start always carrying through, it really makes them think twice. My ds will only completely dis regard me now if he is over-tired & simply can't control himself any longer. In that case it is bed & when he was smaller & dd was a baby, I would sit up on the landing & hold the door shut if necessary to keep him in the room.

Heathcliffscathy · 13/07/2006 12:15

lisalisa i NEVER do this, but can i just give you a hug (())

desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/07/2006 12:16

never said you did securmum
but just stating it from my point as people must think that i lock them up {hmmm got a point on locks though
seriously though, never had to use a lock
just instilled boundaries

Enid · 13/07/2006 12:16

thanks franny

they are in the main

Stargazer · 13/07/2006 12:20

Lisa - I'm with you - it worked! I've had to deal with very similar from my DS in the past. Fortunately, they grow out of it - mostly!!

TwinsetandPearls · 13/07/2006 12:20

You have my sympathies LisaLisa as dd has awful tantrums, we had one this morning as I would not allow her to drink a bottle of neat ribena!

I tned to either ignore dd, I use the garden or if it is a tired wingy kind of tantrum I tend to being it to a halt by tickling and cuddling her which probably does the equivalent of your smack as in it shocks her out of her current behaviour.

We have also just bought dd a new bike a and if she were to speak to me in a rude manner as you suggest your daughter has done I would take away the bike or perhaps not let her friends come to play.

It is hard and the tantrums are long, I ahve once phoned a friend in tears after dd screamed at me for over an hour as I was desperate to withdraw from the situation as I knew I wanted to smack her. But if you are consistent the tantrums get less.

I know it has been said before but the pasta jar works much better than a star chart.

unicorn · 13/07/2006 12:20

Enid you know I think yours is the best suggestion so far.
I totally understand where Lisa is coming from though, and those with less challenging children can't really put themselves in her shoes. Some children will obey instructions and some fight them.
I agree with Enid because it sounds like she is craving attention and will do it in the only way she knows how.
Try the other technique (and my god I know how hard it is when she is stressing you out) but try and give her a hug - it just may work?

Heathcliffscathy · 13/07/2006 12:22

Reginald it is called 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk' by Adele Faber i think

have looked on amazon and they only have it to dispatch within 4-6 weeks, but i bought it within the last year in ottakars, i'm pretty sure any big bookshop will have it.

cannot cannot recommend it highly enough, it's written in slightly annoying american stylee but the actually content is superb and it works.

and i'm nothing to do with it and not on commission but ds went through a phase of biting for a YEAR and stopped within days of us using this book.

dh never pays any attention to parenting books but when he saw how effective the things i was doing were he read it cover to cover.

we refer back to it every now and again...in fact i must do taht soon

Original poster
lisalisa · 13/07/2006 12:22

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OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 13/07/2006 12:27

With things like lollies or biscuits etc I would stop keeping them in the house altogether.

tortoiseshell · 13/07/2006 12:29

Haven't had time to read the whole thread, but read OP and one or two others. We have never and will never smack the children, and having that rule has saved us from 'hitting' the children too hard when in the depths of despair and frustration. We have just imposed a no shouting rule (for all of us, children included), which so far (in 1 week) only dh has broken, and that was only once. Interestingly, that really did put him in the wrong as we all jumped on him 'You shouted etc', and he apologised. The house has been much more peaceful.

What do we do? Lots of things, which really don't take much time, and have to be done whilst otherwise occupied (have 3 children, youngest of whom is 10 weeks). If child won't do something, we count to 5 (eg going up to bed), if we get to 5 then something happens (haven't ever actually got to 5 though) along the lines of a favourite toy being confiscated for the rest of the day. We also have a naughty step for 'time out' and if they refuse to go to the naughty step then they go to their bedroom.

As far as tantrums go, it's my opinion that a tantrum isn't something a child can control - it's an out of control reaction, so we don't punish tantrums - we just ignore the child while they're having it, even if it does go on for hours. We're lucky in that we've only had 1 or 2 major tantrums for each child. If one of them is screaming I just very pointedly talk to the other child, occasionally throwing in a 'isn't it a shame xyz can't come and join in because they're too busy screaming'. That usually sorts them out. Like Enid, they only really get like that if they're tired or hungry, so once they've come out of the tantrum I would try to redress the balance with some telly/sleep/biscuit etc.

Reginald · 13/07/2006 12:30

aha soph I have that book - it's brilliant isn't it? Also got their one about siblings. I too would recommend those books to anyone