My son treats me like shit because he doesn't like his sister

[JustFabulous]

No way round this, is there? .

{desperate}

I think you are doing something by ignoring it-you're showing she'll get nowhere if she speaks like that.

I think it's a very different world to the one we lived in with our parents/carers/teachers. Communication is much better between parents and their children and home is a safe place to express your emotions. I know I was parented partly through fear eg I wouldn't be disrespectful through fear of extreme punishment.

Teachers battle with this issue as well.

I do think the answer is not to go back to smacking, but it is harder/or perhaps just requires a big shift in mindset for most of us to gain respect without some sort of fear of repercussion.

Personally I talk about it later, in a calm moment, saying 'I felt ....when you said...' and try and get them to reflect on the impact of their words.
However, if there is swearing or I feel a line has been crossed then I would try and explain calmly that the rules of the house had been broken and withdraw something.

I struggle when I'm out of the house because I think other people expect me to react to something so sometimes I'll tell them off/escalate something just because I've got an audience of inlaws/whatever.

2 days without shouting.

And I haven't smacked either. Wasn't a big smacker. Smacked ds1 when he was 2 and not again until he was 10 but even so, too much.

I have made a couple of mistakes today - engaging in a convo with them when I should have walked away - but I am hoping you are not disappointed in me and still have faith.

I grew up in total fear. I barely spoke. I love that my kids have a presonality and are not living in fear. A tiny bit of respect and knowing when to stop would be good though.

They have spent some time this evening telling tales on each other or trying to get the other into trouble. Still not sure what to do with that but will get there.

"For tale telling, bored "I couldn't be LESS interested darling" I would get, "you don't care then that he has hurt me, taken my toys etc etc."

...There are a few possibilities to responses like this, revolving around the central premise of "I care that I want you to grow up as a nice person and it is my job to help you become one, but you have to do your share too."

Perfect. Thank you D.

I have shingles [fed up].

DD has woken up and alrady been very ride and answered me back loads.

DS1 hurt me when he refused to give me something I wanted off him and has been rude.

It is way too hot and I think DH is planning a day in so it is going to be a very long day..

I have spent most of this week just walking away when one or other of them kicks off...it seems to be working!

We've had a much better week....i havent shouted once!

Well done you!

I'm on strike. Clothes will be washed half inside out if that is how they are put in the wash. Socks will be washed balled up if that is how they are put inthe wash. And if DS1 puts one more fucking thing in the wash because he can't be arsed to put it away I will not wash another bit of his clothes until he seriously grows up.

You're seriously making me doubt my housekeeping Fab- all my clothes go in the wash like that and we're all terrible for automatic washing rather than checking it...wish dh had a had a mother like you and then he could train me in this stuff.I think my Mum did it all because it was quicker to do it herslef, so I've never had a clue and then I'll read something like this and realise kitchen sinks don't self clean

Shingles sounds dire...will you need help with the kids next week? I remember my Dad staying in bed with shingles and itching like mad. Perhaps your dh could take the kids over to his mum's?
Hope you feel better soon.

DD is moaning how she has to do everything. This is because I have asked her to empty the dishwasher for the second time today. DS2 is doing it too.
I have not stopped being housework fairy all morning so will have to do full on ignoring today with her I think.

After last week I don't want to see my MIL tbh. I will just have to get on with it. DH got me some stuff from the chemist but I am still itching.

I have just washed a tin in the dishwasher and it is lovely and clean. I did it as I am sick of the flies. New obsession I think .

Having a shitty day and feeling really sad. I just don't enjoy my children. They screamed and shouted and argued for most of the day and laughed in my face when I came in the room and ds1 was off the step that dh had sent him too. This is not what I wanted or expected and I am not much liking dh atm either. We haven't had a minute to even talk to each other alone this summer holidays without the kids interrupting.

They just can't entertain themselves on a day we have to stay in. WHY THE FUCK NOT?????

I HAD TO WALK away then

DS1 just dropped his dinner plate on the floor so there is food mess on the floor and up the wall now. I looked. "Well you pushed past me." I did not.

When will they get the message?

Keep going fab, you're doing great. It won't be an overnight fix but it will pay dividends. Believe it or not they will thank you in years to come because they will know how to live well with other people. It amazed me at University how few people knew that the dishes needed washing, the washing machine didn't load itself, the floor wasn't self mopping. Their mother parents had been some sort of magic cleaning fairies.

I am sat alone in my bedroom. Another ruined weekend. More time away from DH.

It seems to me that unless they go out every day they are impossible. And it has to be a day out as they have played out the front for a bit before it rained.

I am so upset and angry with myself.

I just smacked ds1. And if that wasn't bad enough because of where he was it was right across the face. He is in tears. I am in tears and now someone is going to take my children off me.

He just tried to run away and dd thinks it is funny.

The more we leave them to play the more naughty they get.

Perhaps a structure and routine to the day may help rather than "free play". Could you draw up a routine starting with waking up time and ending with bed, reading and lights off?
Perhaps add to it a list of expectations and consequences which are very clear, consistent and stuck to rigidly?
Share them around the table with the whole family there and stuck them up on the wall. Hopefully this will give really clear boundaries to all of you. Kind of replicating a classroom with rules and timetable and structure.

Perhaps family board games, garden play etc rather than leaving them to it to play. Sounds like they need to learn to play appropriately.

Forget the slap, it's happened, Rome wasnt built in a day and you're in it for the long haul.

We try and do things as a family. They can't agree on the DVD to watch and if we try and play a game that usually ends up in fighting.

EVen now, ds1 on the step for rudeness to daddy, called ds2 to get out of his room. They are not allowed in each others rooms. They have been told numerous times.

I can feel myself thinking what is the point.

I don't feel they can be out in the garden too much as they get loud and quite a few of the neighbours don't have kids.

I provide all they need but then they won't do it.

Colouring, painting, activity books, art supplies, garden toys, board games.

Offer them the computer though and they would spend all day on it if allowed.

You say you provide all that they need. I am saying you need to actually do it with them. Show them how to play, model it etc. Don't just send them out to the garden - go with them and be very specific about what you all will be doing there. It sounds like they need to learn how to play and it isnt going to happen by just having the stuff there. That's why I suggested you draw up a timetable prior to this and lay out expectations and consequences and stick to it rigidly. You can do it.

They can go on the computer and have some free time if they want on the computer. Include this on the timetable. They need to know what is going to happen each day just like in school.

DH has banned them from the computer for today.

Have sent them to chose something from the bureau for us all to do.

I have shingles and the itching is unbearable.

You need your dh on side. I really do think you would all benefit from a timetable so there are no surprises or making it up as you go along.