My son treats me like shit because he doesn't like his sister

[JustFabulous]

No way round this, is there? .

{desperate}

Your problem is an (understandable) lack of confidence and belief in yourself. You are doing a brilliant job, you don't sound as though you are putting a foot wrong. The dynamic between your children sounds entirely normal to me.

One strategy I tried for coping with tears and tantrums and endless endless sibling bickering was detachment. It works like this. Picture a video camera in the kitchen, or wherever you are, recording the goings-on. Then watch yourself dealing with the incident as though you were watching someone else in a reality TV show. It really helps you not getting caught up in this stuff.

Also, have some stock responses for these emotional jibes - they know all your buttons, remember, so don't let them push them.

Stock response 1 - To the "I don't love you" comment "That's a pity because I really love you".

Stock response 2 - To the "You don't love me" comment "Gosh, you know, you're absolutely right. You got it. I don't love you a bit. Not even a little bit. I'm just doing all this caring, and feeding and refereeing and ferrying for my own amusement."
Stock response 3 (my personal favourite, and on good days, this gets them laughing) - To the "It's not fair!" comment "Into each life, some rain must fall."
Stock response 4 - To the "You love extra room."

Or something. The importance of having stock responses is not so much what they are, it's to bring them back down to reality. They mustn't vary. Stock responses work a treat at diffusing mild to moderate situations that look as though they might escalate.

Oh and one thing, which is odd to say, but don't take it personally. Your son loves you, and I know that from here. He might be grumpy and occasionally nasty, but when you've got him giggling and being nice, tell him very clearly that you found his behaviour hurtful. Do not fudge the issue. Tell him that he hurt you, and that you love him (because you always will) but his behaviour hurt you and was not pleasant. Ask him how he would feel if you behaved unreasonably to him. Get him thinking a bit about his behaviours. He's old enough to understand.

Back now. Have been playing tennis with the boy and the girl while DS2 rode his bike in between us . I enjoyed it.

DD has been tricky today. She rode her bike to the road bend with DS2. They were reminded not to go on the road. A few minutes after they got back dd said ds2 went on the road. I was being bored policeman and ignoring. She kept shouting "can you hear me?" and when I didn't respond she told ds2 they were allowed on the road.

I didn't say anything, ignored, ignored, ignored. I wasn't sure if the right thing but now I am thinking yes it was as I can remind them no roads next time.

We are watching a dvd together now though I still have things to ignore...

You sound like you're doing great especially as you're not feeling well! I hope you get better soon.

I think you did the right thing, because if you told DS2 off and he said he didn't go in the road then who would you believe? But I think you should have a chat with him about road safety either tonight or before he goes out on his bike again to reinforce the idea that some rules must never be broken especially the ones concerning safety. And if you catch him then he will get X punishment (lose his bike for a week, only be allowed out if you're there etc)

For a DVD choice you can't please everyone all the time. You either say " If you haven't chosen in 2 mins, I will choose" or you have a system where they take it in turns to choose (with a visual aid somewhere so there are no arguments over whose choice is next!)

And for some nice one-to-one time with your oldest DS, you could always explain how to separate the washing and how the washing machine works

DS1 wants to stay at home alone while I go to the doctor's. I don't want to leave him but enough people have said he is old enough that maybe I just need to do it.

If I do leave him and he comes to harm, what then? Will I lose him?

He won't come to harm.

tell him that because he's responsible and older, you are allowing him to stay at home.
tell him that you know he respects that enough to be worthy of your trust.

Hello trouble

DD say the book she bought in your shop for a fiver today and she was rather miffed! Maybe she will listen next time when I say paperback books are better value!

not because mine was more expensive.
she did get a free proof out of me, too, and loads of fun!

She would say you can't read fun! She would still have spent all her money in your shop, she would just have got more books if she had stuck with paperbacks and since she can read 6 books in a day, more is more!

Just realised that the first bit regarding the thumbs up system was not very clear (but sorry if the further explanation is unneccessary):

When you've made your squares with the thumbprints, you don't put them all straight in the jar - essentially you do the same as with raffle tickets. You write your DS/DD's initials on a square when you award one for doing something kind or being cooperative and you then add it to the jar. End of the month you mix up all the initialled ones and pick one out without looking for the winning 'thumbs up'. Don't tell them what the prize will be in advance, only once there is a winner.

My kids are very competitive. I am thinking it might not end well but I will give it a go.

I have the first one already - when you go to bed, stay there and not come down constantlyespecially when I am sat with my baps out as I am suffering with shingles

Fab, this all sounds perfectly normal.

Honestly.

DD and DS1 CONSTANTLY argue. If DD is away, house is peaceful, if DS1 is away, house is peaceful. Both here together? Anarchy!

I may well try the whole 'bored policeman' thing. Will also be reading this thread for ideas!

Always comes back to normal. I wasn't a normal kid with a normal upbringing so normal to me is not most other peoples normal.

I realised today I was feeling more confident and less scared.

When I warn the kids that X will happen if they do Y, they do seem to believe me.

Just as I said to DS2, do A then we can do B together.

Fab, I know how hard it is to stop second guessing whether you are doing the right thing if (like me) you had a crappy childhood in and out of care.

But you need to have confidence that what you are going through IS normal. It took me ages, lots of counselling and two different parenting courses to realise that though!

I have no reference for how to be a decent mother either. All I know is how I DON'T want to be as a mother. And I have gone from three to work out how I DO want to parent my DC's.

Doesn't make any difference when DD & DS1 are in the house together!

When they are particularly bad, I hide in the kitchen MN'ing 'washing up'.

I feel like we are getting there. Normally I just shout and feel like there is no point when everything goes wrong, but I am feeling more confident in my decisions and requests with and to the kids and they seem to be responding well. Still being told off, still arguing and have had to send DS1 to his room for hurting DS2 when we were out but still better than we were. I love that I am not shouting and losing it.

You've come a very long way in such a short time Justfab

I second hiding too

I am finding it a little weird that I don't know why things are so much better but I guess it doesn't matter why.

All three are still being buggers but it is my reactions to the their behaviour that has changed.

I can't thank you all enough. Especially as last time I asked for help I had a really bitchy comment from someone who then must have hidden the thread as there was no response when I called them on it.

now I'll get flamed - my Two oldest DC's (14yo & 10yo) managed to stay at home, together, while I was shopping...and not kill or injure each other!!

I will quantify - 10yo was meant to be at the park with his mates, but his friend had to go out so he came home, I didn't purposely leave them together!

They left each other alone!!!

Blimey!

(and it was so much easier shopping with just two DC's. Is it wrong to consider doing that on purpose next time, leaving the two oldest at home? Or is that REALLY BAD?)

No point asking me! I am struggling with leaving my 11 year old.

Ignore, ignore ignore.

Do I really have to stay IN the kitchen with them for the whole time they are eating their tea? . DS1 is being a PITA. He won't let DS2 and DD eat any of the cinnamon rolls he has made. "They'll be all gone."" WTF you made them for then???

He hasn't stayed within hearing distance of the breadmaker so has probably missed when to put the raisins in so the raisin bread will be plain bread.

I am sick of them kicking off the minute I leave the room when they are eating.

DS1 will not be baking for a while now.

He used all the milk and didn't tell me. We went to M&S and I could easily have got some. He has form for finishing things and not telling me so when I go to use them, there is nothing left.

Escape from the kitchen at once. Earplugs are good.

I can't help you on the disappearing ingredients. DS is notorious for that

No dvd for DS1 tonight because of today's shenanigans. Felt better than normal when telling him no as I wasn't worried scared he would kick off. Go me with the progress .

I don't have older children of my own yet but I have taught some very challenging classes who were really trying their hardest to make me lose my temper - this was at the end of last term when I came back from maternity leave and so they had had someone else for most of the year and wanted to test me out. One thing I found helped me when I was walking to the classroom with a feeling of dread in my stomach was to plaster on a fake smile and think to myself "I am looking forward to this as this is my favourite class!" I would stand at the door and greet them all in a happy tone with a big grin. It wasn't magic but it meant we had at least started on a positive interaction and some kids always genuinely smiled back. So my idea is that maybe when you are feeling sick of them (which is normal), try forcing yourself to think "I love the holidays!" or something like that.

That is easy as I love them so much. I just needed the reminder, thank you.

Doing okay though. Just tired tonight.

I would stay with them while they're eating, yes. We all eat together these days but when DD1 was little and DH was home late, DD1 would eat first, and I'd have a small amount with her and stay the whole time (yes it got hugely boring some days!) I just think it's more calming for everyone to sit down together than having people coming and going during the meal.

I tried sitting with them but I was up and down getting them whatever so now I just stand. They had nearly finished, they were behaving in such a way it needed ignoring so I left the room.