3.5 yr old DD is a bit too intense for other parents. HELP!!

[bellbottom]

Hello,
feeling a bit down and lonely.
Without wanting to ' label' my dd as I don't like doing that, she is the kind of child that other kids love but seems to be causing concern to other parents. It's making me feel singled out and alone, which I find very hard to cope with as I am already a single mum, no dad involved, living abroad without family. So i have only myself to turn to, besides mumsnet and a few close friends.
Dd is very high energy, both mentally and physically. She is also very mature and perceptive for her age, persistent and very assertive, strong minded and tough. She is also a huge amount of fun to be with, has a huge sense of humour. All in all, larger than life.
I don't have any worries that she'll be fine in life. Only that she does seem to be a bit too overwhelming for some parents. She is a leader type of person and sometimes becomes quite mischeivious with her friends, also in their company she tends to egg them on a bit and those kids start to become less obedient to their parents. She is also going through a phase of light teasing, which in my mind is harmless and only a reflection of her looking for more of a challenge. I'm confident it will pass. It's only things like, 'I have this and you do not'. Or ' i can go faster than you' etc. Recently things have become a little tense between myself and the parents of her best friend. Up till now it was great, and now we have had to have discussions. It seems they have taken little things really personally, like dd was trying to blow out the candles of his birthday cake, she told him her grandma was prettier than his, that kind of thing, at his party. I see it as harmless and i interpret it as her trying to say that she too has a grandma that she loves very much and misses as she's in england. And with the other stuff its just that she wants to be a part of what he has and doesnt yet know what it means to let him have his moment of glory all for himself.
I'm getting scared about how she'll fit in in the future. Especially worried if she is perhaps reacting to the fact that she has no family here like other kids do. Is it a sign that she is going to strike out about this in the future even more? Or am I making too much of this?
Are there any other parents out there with intense and bright kids? I read up on spiritied kids, but I don't think she fits that description, as she never cries for long, gets over problems quickly, sleeps right through every night guranteed. I don't think she is a spirited child. But does anyone with a smiliar child have any advice they can offer?
Thanks

"dd was trying to blow out the candles of his birthday cake, she told him her grandma was prettier than his, that kind of thing, at his part"

I think that when it's your child's birthday party you are always very sensitive because you want him so much to enjoy it. So when (as is common)little guests say things to your precious birthday boy that would not be acceptable coming from adults, you feel protective of your little one and critical of the child. Perhaps if it hadn't been for a few competitive remarks, they could have chilled out about the candle thing, but once you're sensitised you're sensitised.

I think if your child was a boy more people would view this as natural competitive jiggling for position and status. We have a little neighbour who sounds very similar to you daughter, I always felt she was judged more harshly than a boy would be.

I thought "Lemon"'s post was really good - always remember that others, like you, are really thinking of themselves.

Lastly, I always dislike use of the term"bright" for these pre-schoolers. "Bright" is one of those words that never works well used of one's own child, as there are so many different ways of being intelligent, including having emotional intelligence.

bellebottom / needleinahaystack.

Gosh you two have a lot in common! From your take on parenting to the way you spell exactly the same words wrong, you really could have found a kindred spirit here on Mumsnet, so its not all bad eh!

I didn't know either

And I've been on here aaaages

Thanks for this. I was beginning to think I had gone mad and was reading a different thread. It has been robust, but not completely unsupportive.

am loving 'gang warfare'. 'verbal brutality and criticism' and 'never miss an episode of eastenders'.

and huzzah for all those 'free thinking, bold, and fun to be with' children that our are future oh, except those that incite other children to disobey their parents. that never goes down well.

and i did rofl at 'put a sock in it like i did'

I have been a browser on mumsnet on here for months and was looking for other pointers in this forum for my dd, when I saw this it caught my eye as i remember feeling similar to bellbottom a couple of years back.
So now its my turn to get mocked and bullied?
Sock puppetry is unknown to me. So I guess I haven't lived....well, at least not in your world. Phew, sigh of relief....

Of course you have needleinahaystack

Bellbottom
Why did you change your name to needleinahaystack?

Sock Puppetry is where the same person posts under a different name to back themselves up. Its a bit sad.

You get points for giving it a go, but lose them for being so obvious.

HTH (hope this helps)

you're all more nuts than I originally thought!!!!!!!!!
I'm outta here. Better things to do than hang around with you lot.

This was my favourite bit, btw needleinahaystack:

"It's great when kids that have a strong mind - they are the future, free thinking, bold and fun to be with. Salt of the earth, that perhaps does spark some green eyed monsters along the way unfortunately. Your dd will I'm sure continue to make you proud and you can always say - i did it all myself. Well done!"

Fantastic! OP, if you're going to namechange to back up your position, you'll need to try a bit better than that. You've really made a prat of yourself, I'm afraid.

I can see where you socially inept DD gets it from!

I'm not going to join a pile in, no matter how tempting

Green eyed monsters?! No, I'd rather have DC who are liked and have the presence of mind to act appropriately.

OP, I am in a similar situation to you. I am a lone parent who lives on the other side of the world to all my family. It makes for a very hard existence and means that you are particularly sensitive to interactions with local parents and to harsh words on MN. When you are on your own, and someone is unkind, your only option is to go and have a cry - you can't even phone family because it'll only worry them. I don't think some of the posters on here appreciate just how lonely and hard it can be. If they did, I'd hope they would moderate their language and be perhaps just a little kinder in the delivery of their advice (which is broadly good though, to be fair, and you do need to listen to it).

My DS is a lovely boy but precocious and not yet good at empathy. It doesn't help that at 2.11 he is tall and eloquent so most people think he is about 4yo. That's not excusing him btw - I am also a reasonably firm parent. He knows now that if he doesn't share or take turns at the park, we will go home. We've also imposed DVD restrictions for poor behaviour. All with lots of discussion too about good behaviours and being nice to other children etc - but both are needed IMHO.

A supportive nanny and nursery have also helped and gradually his social skills are starting to improve. However, at the moment I tend to avoid large gatherings like parties where he is more likely to act up. Instead, we tend to stick to one-to-one playdates so that I can keep a closer eye on him and bring him into line/end the session if he acts inappropriately. It won't be forever but, boy, it's hard at times!

I was for a time a single parent living overseas from my entire family (and am still a parent living overseas). I hadn't realised that I could use it as a nice vein of self-justification.

I'm sorry I said earlier that posting on this thread was a waste of time. It's turned out to be quite amusing, and I learned a new term, sock-puppetry! yay!

I don't think anyone is saying that it is a ground for self-justification.

But the OP started off by saying she is down and lonely and has a problem. She was jumped on from a grand height, as if this was an AIBU thread. The advice given may be good but the delivery was brusque and designed to make her feel even worse than she did at the start. Yes, the OP didn't respond well but I don't think there's any excuse for hitting someone when they are down.

And, no, I'm not the OP by another name.

smallwhitecat, you sound 100% confident of many things, so I'm sure you are always right, which probably means you never, ever need to apologise for you (or your kids') behaviour.

"And she spoke her mind about the fact she thought her grandma was so beautiful. How sweeeet! "

I don't get this. It's not sweet because she didn't say 'I love my grandma, she is beautiful', she said 'My grandma is prettier than yours' which is a nasty thing to say. At 3.5 they're old enough to know when something they've said is nasty/desgned to get a reaction I would think.

I've never told my close friend that her dd is ermmm 'challenging' because I want to keeo our (adult) friendship. I just no longer see her for playdates or after school get togethers. So don't assume that your friends aren't thinking what these other parents are thinking and just not saying it

All paranoid about dd now and what folk might be saying. I find people mostly say I'm too hard in dd and she wouldn't do lots of the things described but she does say some mean things and can egg on into mischief. So how would I know? Socially inept, me.

Family dilemma - most people are perfectly accepting of children and their foibles. What does tend to get on their nerves is repeated incidents of parents not stepping in to stop, discipline or apologise. If your friends are saying things, to your face, about your child then they will not be doing it lightly. It's very hard to feel your parenting is being criticised, but it's good to be open-minded about it.

OP do your daughter a huge favour and heed the advice on here