How do i explain sex to a 4yr old?

[pesha]

Have just been reading the 'furry bottom' thread and followed the links to the menstruation threads and i totally agree with the being very open and honest and straight forward so that its something they can always talk to you about and dont feel embarrassed by. But i havent really told my dd (4.10) about anything yet as she hasnt specifically asked. She knows where babies come from but not how they get there. I would like to have a talk with her and not wait for her to come to me and especially now she's just started school as you never know what they're gonna hear from other kids.

So i want to be straight with her, none of this "mummy and daddy have special cuddles to make a baby", but i dont know how much to tell her, i dont want to give her tmi but i dont want to not give her enough and leave her confused either.

I think i will prob sit down and tell her some things and then let her ask questions if theres anything more she wants to know and let her guide me iyswim but i still would really like some advice as to what to tell her at first and what not to say etc. Dont get me wrong im not thinking about explaining orgasms and positions and things just the basics but not quite sure what constitutes the basics for a 4yr old.

I dont remember ever having this conversation myself as a child and could never talk to my mum or anyone about sex or periods or anything and i really dont want it be like that for me and her.

TIA

I go with the wait to see what they ask theory, presuming that they will only ask for the information they are ready for IYKWIM?

DS2, aged 3, knows that I am not hurt during my AF, I have just explained it as something that happens to ladies.

DS1, aged 6, knows that my AF means that I am not having a baby, it's the special lining that a baby would grow in and if a baby is not growing in it, it comes away and a fresh one grows for next time. DS1 also knows that Daddy plants a seed to make a baby grow, that's why a baby is part of Mummy and Daddy but hasn't asked how the seed gets there.

The responses they have received have come from questions they have asked, ie my three year old asks whether I am hurt, I explain, no I'm not it's just ladies things, that's enough for him just now but my DS1 has asked "Why?" hence the reason he has had the further explanation. No doubt when he next asks about babies I'll get the "How does Daddy plant the seed" question but I can only presume if he asks this he will be ready for the answer.

Personally I would wait a bit until they were older. I agree with being open & honest but I feel 4 is too young to understand the concept & I think that information is not neccessary at that age. But that's just my opinion

agree with whizz. I think 4.10 is far too young to be going into that sort of detail

See she's asked a few things in a round about way for instance when we saw 2 men walking with a baby in a pushchair she said 'boys cant have babies can they?', i said 'well they can be daddys' and she said yes but the baby wont fit out their willys' and i said 'no but they're still daddys' and she looked a bit confused but didnt ask anymore than that. And there have been a few other similar instances where she's asked so much and then left it seeming a bit confused but always when we're busy or out so ive not really followed it up. I dont want to tell her too much but i feel i should give her some sort of explanation and then if she asks more questions like how im not sure how much i should tell her. She is a very intelligent girl with a very enquiring mind! And i feel the sooner i start talking to her and just giving her little bits of information then the easier it will be for us to talk more openly as she gets older and for her to come to me with any more questions.

Does anyone know of any good books that are aimed for this sort of age range that i could look at with her? Im really not thinking of filling her in on everything i do agree that she is much too young for that but i would quite like some advice or at least other peoples experiences of what is a good starting point.

IME most children on this age at school know nothing so it won't be a topic of playground whispers so you don;t need to worry about her getting wrong information. and let's face if she does come home and say so and so said babies come from storks so what? You just tell her that babies grow from dady's seed and mummy's egg in their mummy's tummy and that so and so hasn't learnt about this yet.

I woudl always be guided by the child's questions. If they don't ask they're not ready to know! In all likely hood if you did tell her the basic she'd be the only one in her class that knew!

Also we wouldn't explain to a child how the earth went round the sun unless they asked so why make the birds and bees any different.

i agree with just give them a simple answer to the question they are asking at the time, dont go into too much detail, they will ask more later when they are ready, there is a book called how the body works, its a cartoon book that explains things very simply with pictures and basic words, but i dont know where you could get a copy, ive got one from when i was a child.

It seems to me that she is asking questions and that when she does, this is the perfect time to give her a fuller answer - eg, they are daddies because they have a special seed that mixes with the mummy's egg to make a baby that grows in her tummy. So you need a mummy and a daddy to make a baby. I think that's pretty non-embarassing.

I always thinks that children have to grow up so quickly these days that it's not fair to take their innocence away from them earlier than is necessary.

If she's not asking you I wouldn't bother trying to explain it yet - she's only 4!!!

My ds has been told all this quite often and he's not four yet. I also reminisce about when he was in my tummy, which he loves. I told him the other day how he used to get hiccups and make my tummy jump about, and he laughed. He's also asked me how he felt when he was in my tummy - 'was I frightened or lonely by myself?' and I told him no because he was warm and cosy and always with me.

I hardly think telling your children that they are made from their mummy and daddy and grew in your tummy is taking away their innocence. I think this little girl wants to know more.

why do people want to tell their 4 (or younger) yo children about SEX! If nothing else just remember that even though you may want your children to know everything not every parent does and these things invariably get onto the playground.

I agree with those that say to wait until she asks. And then answer each question very matter of factly as it happens. You may find she really doesn't want the full works explanation right now, and is happ to just hear a specific answer to a specific question at any one time.

I'm not suggesting you tell them about how to do it, just if a little girl asks how men get to be daddies, it's a good idea to answer the question. I try to answer all my ds's questions.

My dd asked where babies come from the other day, shes 4.9. I gave her the seed story as I dont think she needs to know more than that. I then asked her if she would like daddy to give mummy a seed (as we are thinking about another one) and she said only if I could grow a cat in my stomach! I dont think shes too keen on a sibling.

both mine (dd just 5 and ds 3.10) know that daddies give mummies a seed and that seed makes the egg grow in the mummies and a baby develops in the tummy. Loads of our friends have had babies recently so there are always questions about this sort of thing.

Whenever I've had too much to eat and I'm a bit bloated, ds always runs excitedly to me saying 'mummy, a baby is growing in your tummy!'.

I was five when I got my first knowledge of sperm and how babies are made. I think that information is always useful if presented correctly. There is a lot of rubbish talked in the playground, I am glad that I always knew better.

Ds is absolutely fascinated by his willy (and anyone elses he sees when going to public loos with his dad ) and knows that his balls are for growing baby seeds when he is a man.( Although he does insist that when he grows up he is going to be Percy the tank engine).

I can really recommend a book called Mummy Laid an egg, by Babette Cole. She is the women who has written the princess smartypants series. DD1 and 2 love her books; they're very funny. I like that it tells about the basics, leaving you to give more information if necessary.

We introduced the subject after dd1 (then 2.5) had asked exactly how did dd2 get into your bump, and followed it up when she was about 3.5 with this book. We bought it along with a few others, and asked it she would like to sit and read a few.

For me, and important aspect was starting a dialogue about sex and relationships whilst she was too young to find it embarrassing, and more likely to accept it as a thing that grown ups do sometimes.

Yeah thats all i want to tell her really as she asking things and ive not really answered properly as walking into town with lorries thundering past and things doesnt seem like a good time to get into it i want to give her my full attention. But like i said she is very intelligent and asks a lot of questions so when i tell her bout daddy having a seed etc if she asks how daddy puts it in mummy or anything else i dont want to just fob her off i want to give an honest answer but i dont want to give her tmi so i just wondered what others peoples experiences are who have had this conversation with their child at a young age. Like i said im not about to go into great detail i just want to sit down with her so i can give her my full attention and tell her some things but i want to be prepared for any questions she may ask.

Shes also in a mixed class with year one children at school so although they wont know much some may well no more than her.

And i dont think its taking away their innocence and i dont see why i shouldnt tell her about sex (obviously, as i keep saying in a very simple, undetailed way) its not wrong or dirty or nasty or anything to snigger or feel embarassed about its a completely natural part of life, im not telling her its for fun im telling her how babies are made, how she was made and i think she will just take it on board as another piece of information same as she did when i told her why the sun goes round the earth she doesnt know its a big tabboo that so many adults have hang ups about, to her its just another fact about life.

Um, I think it might be better not to sit her down and do the full attention and talk bit. But when she does show curiosity, chat about it. Children of this age have short atttention spans IME so a casual but considered answer seems a better option than a serious talk.
I actually suspect that she would accept the idea of the seed. She might then absorb it for a while and then come back with, 'how does it get to the egg?' and I suppose you can tell her that it goes through daddy's willy which daddy puts in mummy' - I doubt she will want more than that. Tbh, I also think it is a bit blushmaking but hope not to pass that on to ds. Atm he's not very interested, despite having a baby sister.

ie I think while walking along the street is the perfect time to get into IMO. I think you often have the best conversations while walking along.

Thats exactly it vwvic i feel the sooner im open about it and talk to her about things then the easier it'll be as she gets older to talk about things in more detail and for her to come to me with any questions. Will definately look for that book as i think sitting down with a book and then seeing what she asks is probably the best way to go.

And triceratops im glad to hear you felt it helped you to know the truth, that was my feeling that if she knows the facts from me then she cant be scared or confused by playground stories and if anyone does tell her something new at some point she'll feel able to come and ask me the truth.

It wasnt so much the walking bit it was the thundering lorries and being late for doctors appointment or her friend turning up just after she's said something or ds throwing a wobbly!! There always seems to be something happening that stops me from answering her so i feel i do need to sit down and talk to her when i know i wont be interrupted or she may never get an explanation

my friend showed her 12 year old boy how to put a condom on.

My Mum had a sex ed book forkids on my bookshelf as soon as I could read, and I can't remember not knowing where babies come from. Much the approach I'm using with my kids, although not the books as Mum was still hard to approach, and I want them to be able to talk to me. DH's Mum was OT: far too much info (does a twelve year old need to know that fancy condomw are just a gimmick, or that in her opinion FIL was sub fertile, even though he fathered two boys?)

My eldest was overheard by me talking to his brother about marriage last night. They both have 'Fiancee's' despite being 4 and 5 {grin]. DS1's comment went something like 'and if you get amrried you have to put your wee wee in your lady otherwise you can't have babies '. I was pleased- I reckon that's a good amount for a five year old to know.

They do get a lot of stuff implanted by the school that you have to be married to make babies, and that it's always wrong to get divorced as apparently 'God doesn't like it'. So I always take time to explain my own personal viewws on the emotional stuff too, which I think is far more important and if delivered wrongly, more dnagerous. Fancy telling a five year old God will be angry if they leave a relationship- what if it is violent, or otherwise abusive? And why would a child HAVE to be married to have a meaningful and loving family? This led to problems as my FIL is engaged to a lasy who isn't my MIL, and DS1 got quite angry about him. That appears to concern him far more right now than where babies come from.