How do i explain sex to a 4yr old?

[pesha]

Have just been reading the 'furry bottom' thread and followed the links to the menstruation threads and i totally agree with the being very open and honest and straight forward so that its something they can always talk to you about and dont feel embarrassed by. But i havent really told my dd (4.10) about anything yet as she hasnt specifically asked. She knows where babies come from but not how they get there. I would like to have a talk with her and not wait for her to come to me and especially now she's just started school as you never know what they're gonna hear from other kids.

So i want to be straight with her, none of this "mummy and daddy have special cuddles to make a baby", but i dont know how much to tell her, i dont want to give her tmi but i dont want to not give her enough and leave her confused either.

I think i will prob sit down and tell her some things and then let her ask questions if theres anything more she wants to know and let her guide me iyswim but i still would really like some advice as to what to tell her at first and what not to say etc. Dont get me wrong im not thinking about explaining orgasms and positions and things just the basics but not quite sure what constitutes the basics for a 4yr old.

I dont remember ever having this conversation myself as a child and could never talk to my mum or anyone about sex or periods or anything and i really dont want it be like that for me and her.

TIA

oh, come come Soapbox - surely you don't give your children sugar

Started reading this thread and stopped halfway.
Thought about my childhood and how I learnt stuff...Here goes..

My mum had my sister when I was 3.5.When she used to go to Ante Natal I thought she was going to see Auntie Natal!She used to tell me she was putting money down to buy a baby.Then I walked in and saw her big belly when she was getiing dressed.She told me that the baby was in there.From that day on I asked her a new question every day.

Hows it going to get out?
She told me her bottom.When I was out with my granparents I was telling everyone in a queue that 'we were going to get a new baby' 'Oh you must be very rich,it takes a lot of pennies to buy a baby' one woman said.'dont be silly' i replied 'its coming out of her bottom!!'My grandand was horrified!! (it was 1971)I used to ask mum if her food was falling on the babys head and then the awkward questions started.'If I come out of your tummy,then why do I look like dad?'So mum gave me the seed story and explained that when mums meet dads and they really love each other the mums seeds becaome babies.This theory satisfied me.Then I heard my mum and gran talking about my aunt saying she could not have babies.'Why?' I asked.'Because shes no seeds

I pondered on this and decided that I would have seeds,so I started eating the mustard cress seeds we grew at school,thinking that when I grew up and met my 'daddy' I would have babies.THEN my mums friend was having a baby and she was single!!!!Threw me completley.When in her company I would tell everyone that she was having a baby AND she wasnt married,a miracle I thought!!'(I dont think she was amused,it was mid 70's and more rare than today)

Eventually my mum gave me a book to read when I was 9 telling me about periods and staring with cartoon pictures of cats and kittens and then how babies were made.She read it with me and I went into school next day and told EVERYONE.I remember it clearly as it was the end of my innocence and I was 9.I was a bright,inquisitive child if not I would have been told much later.

Children should be children and not have thier heads filled with the adult life stuff.To read that children as young as 5 know about drugs and sex has horrified me.What purpose does this serve?
You are only a child once.Let them be a child,please.
x

hmb, couldn't agree more with your original post.

answer honestly and with just enough information to satisfy their curiosity until the next round of questions.

WHY is knowlege of sex necessarily a loss of innocence? can sex never be loving joyful and innocent?

chocolatepeanut,
the child that knew about drink and drugs at 5 is my ds. the reason i told him is because he had seen a documentary on both of these subjects and asked why drugs were so wrong when a doctor gives you them..... the reason i told him about drink is again because he asked how alcohol can hurt your insides.

to add more to it i also let him taste beer, wine and other drinks. just as my parens did with me. I am not a drinker nor do i take drugs.

I guess this all depends on our individual attitudes to sex.
I for one think that innocence is lost more when you learn about death than about sex.
To me sex is a wonderful affirmation of love for someone special, not something dirty or somehow shameful that our lives are better before we know.
I grew up knowing from a very early age, and I remember wondering about it in a very childlike way that was entirely innocent. Its a MUCH bigger deal for a 9 year old to find out after years of questioning and wanting to know than to know it from age 3 or 4.
Children think more about things and worry more if they haven't been given all the information they wanted, the previous poster just said she spent a lot of time thinking about it, I didn't really beyond wondering what it was like in the same way I wondered what it was like to stay up as late as I wanted.
What will you tell them if they see animals mating on discovery channel? Or is that somehow spoiling their innocence too?

Children have innocence through their approach to life, not what they know, I think. I recently read the new John Irving (excellent, I'd really recomend it) and in it the main character has his innocence very badly damaged by an older woman who sexulaly molests him (at the age of 10 if I remember correctly). This was sem-autobiographical, and the author clearly felt that it had damaged him, both then and as an adult. That would be a real loss of innocence - or the children who are forced into prostitution, or child soldiers, or even just children who are thrust into responsiblity very early. These are all situations where children are made to act as adults, and have adult concerns.

I am most concerned about my dd in particular losing her innocence early. I am worried that she wants to wear make-up (at just turned 5), and that the clothes she is fast growing in to are, in my view, completely unsuitable. I want her to have fun as a kid, to climb trees and be herself without any presure from peers or the outside world. Knowing where babies come from, in my view, is irrelevent to this. I am also aware that actually children in many ways are not particularly innocent - they certainly have the capacity to be pretty horrible (most people seem to experience worse bullying as children than as adults for example). So I have no worries about telling the truth about the birds and the bees - why are we all so incredibly hung up about this anyway?

great posts

Vaunda

I am shocked that you allowed your child aged 5 watch such a programme.What time was it on?!

Sex is an adult subject,not for the ears of young children.I am amazed.Children grow up TOO quick today.Yes, wanting to wear make up,grown up clothes.Where does it lead?

They need slowing down,not fast forwarding.

Chocolatepeanut,
why the shock? the programme was in fact on the news and documentry channel at 9am. My son was watching it and i thought well rather than face a barrage of questions as to why he wasn't allowed to watch i would let him and deal with any questions after.
He also asked about sex well he actually asked how does a baby get in your stomach?
I could hardly be honest with him about death and then lie to him about conception and birth could i?
He learnt about death at an early age and i saw no reason as to why he shouldn't learn about sex. It is not a dirty subject it is natural so what is the problem.

We are obviously have very different views on raising children.

I don't think that anyone here is suggesting demonstrations or providing full graphic detail about sex, but surely how babies come to be is an important thing to know at any age? I think that it's important to tell children the truth, and making things taboo is in my mind not a healthy way to go. Obviously we all know our children best, and have an idea of what they can take in when, but I do think it's better to talk about things before your child is embarrassed and concerned, not afterwards.

an important and wonderful think to learn imo

I think we have to 'filter' information for children as they can only really understand so much when young.

As my own story shows,I think children can have the basics explained to them in a simple way.I am not suggesting that we tell them that the stork brings the baby!!

Maybe I have misread,but I shudder to think that any young child is having intercourse explained to them.Yes a time will come when thier bodies will be changing and in no way do I suggest that a parent leaves it till the last minute to explain what is happening and what is to come.Thats just ignornace and explains why we have so many teenage pregnancies.But to babies,as after all thats what 5 year olds are.I happen to think that thier time is so precious and all they should be thinking about is what is Father Christmas bringing and how many fairies do live at the bottom of the garden.

ok chocolate peanut ...
a scenario for you
you are a single parent and a carer for your grandparents.... your grandad takes ill and is rushed to hospital, you have nobody too look after your child who is 3 1/2 so you HAVE to take them with you. as well as visitin granddad in hosp you have to take care of your nan who has senile dementure. 12 days later your grandad dies.... what do you tell your child?

another for you..
you get married and 6 days later your dad is rushed to hospital at 6am. you have only one source of getting to the hospital and that is in hubbies car. so again you have to take your child. Hubby see;s his new father in law and is so concerned he won't leave the hospital his new wife or his mother inlaw. exactly 3 months later your dad dies 45 minutes after seeing your child how do you explain that?
then you have the funeral to go to ...... and your child is aware of this they ask to go and say goodbye to grandad one last time what do you do?

see these are the situations which taught ds about death

How do you define innocence? As ignorance? How?
What is so awful about knowing how babies are made? Babies, are, as my ds says often, lovely. What is wrong with knowing how they are made? And if there are some misunderstandings, this is because it has not been explained enough, not explained too much!

chocolate peanut,
my ds still believes in santa and knows about sex and yes in deatil. he knows what happens and he knows it is something which should only take place between 2 people who love eachother. He knows about homosexuality and bisexuality. this has not disturbed him in anyway in fact it makes him a greater child for being able to accept people as they are.and not questioning as many children and adults do.
He knows about disability and is also accepting of disabled people without staring... the most he will do is ask someone walking with a stick if they need help crossing the road..... brilliant considering he isn't allowed to cross the road alone.
he offers my arms to carry their bags if i dont get in first .
he is a well balanced knowledgable child.

My stepdaughter is 14. She has known how babies were made forever. At the age of seven her mother had another child and she went to the scans and knew all about it. She is the most fantastic, sensible, 'innocent' person. I will be so proud if my own biological children turn out so well.

Aloha, congratulations on your niece. It is nice when they are sensible isn't it.

Aloha, congratulations on your niece. It is nice when they are sensible isn't it.

ooppss aloha i meant step daughter. soz was reading an Email at same time

She's fantastic, she really is. Very proud of her.

I am sad for you losses

I cant say.You did what you had too.What else could you have done.Death is something that none of us can avoid and sometimes it happens in the ways you described and children are very aware.

I remember seeing a man drop dead in front of me when I was a small child.My grandad tried to revive him and I watched as the last gasp of breath left his body.

We recently had our childs funeral and although my nieces knew what happened I would not have them at the funeral.I just wanted to shield them from the grief and let them think of Philippa flying off as an angel rather than seeing her in a box.

But I know its hard sometimes,and again I am sorry for your losses
x

I always look at a funeral as a place to say the final goodbye. My ds was ok until he suddenly looked up at my mum and me then said "Nanna I don't have grandad anymore do I, he has gone to be with old grandad hasn't he" my mum replied "Yes" and ds put his head in his arms on the back of the pew in front of him and his whole body wracked with sobs.... he could be heard outside the church..... they were real genuine emtion coming out of him. BUT he coped better then my nephew who couldn't understand why grandad was coming back and still doesn't 18 months on.

To my mind there is a huge difference between a child learning the basic facts of life in a loving, supportive and age appropriate manner and the premature sexualisation that you see in some children nowerdays. giving children factual information is not the same as allowing them to wear make up or provocative clothing.

While I have been open with my children about sex and reporiduction (and as a Biologist I see no difference between this an all other living functions) my children are still very much children and know that sex is something that, while they are not ignorent about it, is for adults to woory about.

Honesty and openness are key IMHO.

Knowing the facts about sex and reproduction usually just means that they are happy and forget all about it and continue wondering what Santa is bringing. Not having questions answered to their satisfation leads to obsession with finding out, and long hours imagining and listening at doorways.

It has nothing to do with how we allow our children to dress. There is no way my little girl will be wearing make up before she's a teenager. I don't think we have the right to pass our hang ups onto children which is what you do if you create a taboo subject.
What would you say if your five year old specifically asked you how Daddy's seed gets inside Mummy's tummy?