How do i explain sex to a 4yr old?

[pesha]

Have just been reading the 'furry bottom' thread and followed the links to the menstruation threads and i totally agree with the being very open and honest and straight forward so that its something they can always talk to you about and dont feel embarrassed by. But i havent really told my dd (4.10) about anything yet as she hasnt specifically asked. She knows where babies come from but not how they get there. I would like to have a talk with her and not wait for her to come to me and especially now she's just started school as you never know what they're gonna hear from other kids.

So i want to be straight with her, none of this "mummy and daddy have special cuddles to make a baby", but i dont know how much to tell her, i dont want to give her tmi but i dont want to not give her enough and leave her confused either.

I think i will prob sit down and tell her some things and then let her ask questions if theres anything more she wants to know and let her guide me iyswim but i still would really like some advice as to what to tell her at first and what not to say etc. Dont get me wrong im not thinking about explaining orgasms and positions and things just the basics but not quite sure what constitutes the basics for a 4yr old.

I dont remember ever having this conversation myself as a child and could never talk to my mum or anyone about sex or periods or anything and i really dont want it be like that for me and her.

TIA

sp

oops

Jampots your friend sounds very sensible. I had plenty of my peers who were sexually active at 12 and I'd rather be matter-of-fact about condoms and contraception than have it be a taboo which makes sex all the more exciting/illicit.

the hilarious thing is she says he's not interested in girls etc. and this is my friend who just got pregnant from a v casual relationship

jampots - I'm horrified

at which bit JT?

the condom
the subsequent unplanned pregnancy

In countries where sex education is started earlier and much more open they have lower rates of teenage pregnancy and also the average age for losing virginity is actually older. (or so ive read anyway!)
I too know people who have been sexually active from the age of 11 or 12 and certainly hormones are often racing by then so best to explain it before its too late!

And peachyclair, id be livid if anyone was telling my children things like that, is it a very religious school then? Very on your behalf!

How are you BTW pc, been looking for you sorry never replied on other thread, would love to come see you on the floats but not sure we'd be there in time as have to wait for xp to finish football which will prob be up near bristol or somewhere stupid ! Where do they start from and what time?

Hiya! yes it's a religious school, it's also our catchment school though- but it is a good school, and I am more liberal (aka woolly minded???) than a lot of villagers here!

Carnival is Lynx Trading Estate at 7.15. Nice if you can come. We have our first night at Axminster- 17th!! Help!- so I have to be in Bridgwater at 8.30 for a Rainbows day, (7.30 from here), be collected at 4, at float by 5 ready for off by 7.45 (I think)- help!! DH won't have slept for two days, trying to finish the thing.

the condom bit

eh? it'd never 'appen in my day

we reckon it wont be long before she's showing her 7yo dd how to insert a tampon

My DS was 4 1.2 yrs when he asked the oddest question...
"Do Elephants have miscarriages".......
well i could only say "I don't know but i am sure it is possible".
The same day he asked me "Mummy exactly how does a baby get in your tummy and please don't say it is MAgic" lol
so he and I sat down and i explained the lot to him. He had already read many books on the human body and of course wanted to know more than books aimed at his age gave info on.
He is now 7 and lectures his dad and I on the dangers of smoking while trying for a baby lol as a result we are off to a smoking clinic next week to get help giving up.
Last sunday he sat in a pub with me his father and daddy and told us that when 2 men have sex they don't have it the same as a man and woman. .... I was ok with this on the other hand my DH and ex sat cringing lol.

Titchy, i disagree, i explained many things to my DS even without him asking. I don't see the problem with doing this.

Why the shock over showing a 12 yr old boy how to put a condom on? Surely it is better to make sure he knows rather than him experiment and get a girl pregnant. I will be teaching my son when he gets to around the same age although i would hope he will be more interested in his education than girls lol.

As for showing her 7 yr old how to insert a tampon again surely the child is better to be in the know how rather than in shock or fearful?

There is not a problem with arming children with the facts they need to get through this life.
My DS knows about alcohol, drugs, sex, marriage, relationships and the most impacting thing of life death. He was with his grandad, My dad, just 45 minutes before he died, DS was then 5yrs old. He also went to the funeral.

Ok some people may think this was the wrong way to go with him BUT he is capable of understanding what is going on around him. He is very alert and also more mature than his years BUT he is still a child with a childs innocence.

DD1 and I talked about procreation in general when we were gardening.

When we were planting bulbs and then watering them I made parallels with creating a baby ~ mummy has a bulb which daddy waters so a new life starts. It wasn't something I had really thought about before but it just slipped in nicely with what we were doing at the time.

She seems to find this easy to accept at 3.5

My mum and dad gave me a book "Where do babies come from?" It is aimed at very young children (not sure just how young though - you would need to check)

I dropped all of my Enid Blytons in favour of this book for months. I remember it being fascinating - and I also remember my mum and dad always being available to answer my many and endless questions.

There would be it's "downside" if there had to be one. It encourages children to ask a lot of questions rather than developing questions by themselves (and according to my mum and dad, I do mean A LOT!!). But hey, there was no one knew more than me about where babies came from!

Example question:
"Daddy" (tugging on trouser leg whilst said parent up ladders decorating)
"Yes darling" (father looks down to see angelic 6 year old beaming back at him)
"Are you too old to make sperm daddy?"
(Daddy falls off ladders)

PMSL,. serah!

i really just dont see the point in filling their lovely little heads full of adult stuff to be honest. I think a lot of parents want their children to be "the first to know". Childhood and innocence should be cherished IMO and to see a 5yo playing Barbie meets DJ V2 (or whatever) and scoring crack and then making out just wouldnt be the same as Barbie at the gymkhana.

But its just my opinion. My pregnant friend who showed ds how to use a condom has already told me that because I didnt let dd wander the streets from the time she was 7 then she'd be pregnant by the time she leaves school.

I do0n't care if DS is the first to know, but I would like the whole thing to be a non-issue, as it was to me until I hit 17 /18.

Quite agree Jampots - there seems to be a general trend to encourage children to grow up too fast.

My mum and dad gave me the book as we had talked alot about conception previously (me being adopted and my favourite bedtime stories being those around why my mum couldn't have children - can't believe I did that to my mum )

It was a great book, and was written specifically for kids who wanted to know. I'm sure I would do the same for my DS - if he showed a real interest in a subject, I would do my best to educate him in a way appropriate to his age.

Your friend Jampots! Rest assured I wasn't allowed out on my own til I was about 14 and then managed not to get pregnant til 33

Vaunda

i also tell my children lots of things without them asking - of course we all do. But very specific sciency type stuff I don't answer unless they ask as I reckon it's wash over their heads unless they were specifically interested in it. And as for it being OK to show a 7 year old where a tampon goes purlease. OK fine tell her vaguely why and what it's for but to show her????????? surely better to wait till she's a 2 or 3 years older and can relate it to herself and her bodies needs (or impending needs).

I read "Are you there God it's me Margaret" when I was six. My sister-in-law claims that the first question I asked her when I met her (at the time) was "Is menstruation the same as period?"

I think alot of it depends on the individual child, some kids are interested in sex at 11 or 12 so surely its best that they know and are prepared and if you talk to them chances are if they find themselves in a tricky situation they'll know they can come and talk to you. If they're not remotely interested then theres no point forcing it on them but still worth having a little bit of a chat to let them know you're there if and when they do want to talk. So i dont see anything wrong in teaching a 12 yr old about contraception. And i really dont see how its making them grow up too soon, you're not telling them to go do it now you're just telling them things that they may need to know as an adult and making sure they're well prepared. Is it wrong to teach a 12yr old how to cook and clean or manage their own money so that they are prepared for adult life, is that making them grow up too soon?

Having children is about loving and nurturing and protecting and enjoying them. But its also all about preparing them, in very gradual stages, for life.

And its not in anyway about wanting her to be the "first to know" its about making sure she's not confused or scared by stories other children may tell her. And about making sure we have a close and open relationship so as and when she wants to ask me more she knows she can. And just about satisfying her curiosity and teaching her about life the same way i do with everything else in life. I dont see how a knowledge about adult life equates to loss of innocence. An experience of it (god forbid) yes but knowledge no.

And as for the tampon thing (which noone has actually suggested doing btw) with puberty starting earlier these days 2 or 3 years time may well be too late.

Agree actually wrt telling 12 year olds about contraception. Also recognise that no-one has actually suggested seriously that a 7 year old be shown how to use a tampon. But even with puberty starting earlier these days would anyone really want a 7 or 8 year old with very early puberty to use a tampon????

i dont tell a four year old.

far far too young imo.

i always answer truthfully, but doesnt mean that i explain about the penis entering the vagina to a seven year old. why traumatise them?

Actually, I think you have to look at the child in question, rather than their age, and figure out what they need to know- for example, are they coming into contact with older kids who might influence them?

Why would a child be traumatised? There's nothing traumatic about sex and reproduction, only (IMO) about the way some parents handle the issue.

My dd asked me questions about reproduction when she was about 4.5, she aslo asked questions about blood, her heart and why her breathing changed when she ran. I answered them all in the same matter of fact way, making sure that I answered the question that the had asked, and no more. If she wanted more info , she would ask another question.

Now at 8 she has asked exactly how the seed gets to the egg, so I told her and she has also anked questions about how not to have a baby, so we have covered contraception as well.

I'm not too phased by any of this as I have done the full sex ed lessons for a class of 28 Year 7s , so I am fairly schock proof!

I answer any of my kids questions and don't feel that questions about sex are different from any other biology questions tbh.