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Original poster

I am not going to give my baby a surname

243 replies

stewpid · 11/10/2009 09:58

DP and I have decided not to give our new baby a traditional surname. We have issues with both our families and no desire to perpetuate their names with our offspring.

We have two inspirational friends who have passed away. They're names were Elizabeth and Anne. In honour of them our DD will have their names as her surname. So her full name will be Iris Poppy Elizabeth-Anne.

I know some people will think this is stupid but we think it is beautiful and meaningful.

Has anyone here done anything like this? What do people think?

OP posts:
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FlightAttendant · 11/10/2009 20:39

choke I mean

AitchTwoToTangOh · 11/10/2009 20:39

i dunno, i think there's something nice about appointing them as guardians wherever they are, iykwim?

morningpaper · 11/10/2009 20:42

lol @ the cat's name

Iris Poppy Mewler

hmm

I had a friend who got annoyed with his family so changed his surname to 'Newman'

FlightAttendant · 11/10/2009 20:42

ikwym H. It's a tricky one.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 11/10/2009 20:43

(i do think it's a wee shame for dss that his sister won't have the same name as him, can't it just be in honour of him, iykwim?)

FlightAttendant · 11/10/2009 20:48

That makes me think though MP...if you are going to change the name, it doesn't change the person, the gene pool, anything else really does it?

So how far do you go? Do you shave your head if your hair is the same colour as your grandparents' whom you never liked much?

You can't destroy any part of yourself that comes from them. You need on some level to accept that you came from a mixture of people, some who were quite nice and some who weren;t, but generally everyone is a bit of both.

My maternal grandfather fought for Germany in the war (well, you had to in those days whatever you believed) beat up his wife regularly, abused his kids and (some say ) killed his own father. I'd not hesitate to take 'his' surname if it were applicable, because it is also the surname of my mother and her siblings - and I loved him.

He was reformed by the time I knew him
BUT it has zero to do with his name. Perhaps it does for my mother - I don't know. He never did anything bad to me. My paternal grandfather on the other hand, though I love him in hindsight, was quite difficult to get on with and when I was in my teens I questioned my surname coming from his side. Then I realised quite quickly it came from further back than him, and from people whom I probably would have liked a lot more.

You can change the course of a river but you can't stop it being made of water.

thisisyesterday · 11/10/2009 20:49

so going back to your grandparents the men were fairly unpleasant?
that doens't mean that further back you didn't have some fantastic men, worth celebrating??

don't get me wrong, I can understand your reasons for wanting to get away from the name, but I think if you do it you should change ALL your names. if you don't want to pass the family name on then why do you use it yourself?
it seems a bit odd to make life difficult for your daughter but not willing to do so yourself.

i would maybe research your family tree, you may be surprised, don't let your father/grandfather skew what might otherwise be a lovely heritage.
also, as someone else suggested, why not use a female name from your families? what about your mother's maiden names?

thisisyesterday · 11/10/2009 20:51

agree with everything flightattendant has saidtoo. the name is MORE than these men, it is YOU

NellyTheElephant · 11/10/2009 20:52

I haven't read every post I'm afraid as it all got a bit much, but I just wanted to say that I think Elizabeth-Anne would be very confusing and annoying throughout your daughter's life (i.e. yes, it is the hyphenated christian names which I find problematic), but the suggestion you made in a follow up post of 'Elizabethan' would work fine, or maybe you could merge the names together in another more surnamy kind of way (e.g. Elizan / Lizan) . It is worth noting that throughout history Christian names have made a habit of morphing into surnames but the difficulty is with those particular names which are just so very un-surname like.

hocuspontas · 11/10/2009 20:53

As we are loosely on an Elizabethan theme how about Raleigh, Drake, Shakespeare etc for a family name?

Whatever you decide I think Elizabeth and Anne should be two of your dds christian names and not form a surname. I think you will be thought of as 'weird' at the school gates (If that bothers you of course!)

choosyfloosy · 11/10/2009 20:54

i get this, i think; my first husband and i discussed both changing our surname together when we married. But we didn't.

For me, it's roots that mattered - names have a meaning and a resonance. Well, the meaning and a resonance are what you want to change I guess. I do find Elizabeth-Anne too awkward though. Bethanschild or Bethans are both reasonable options IMO.

If I felt I had to do this, I would choose a place name (which after all, a lot of surnames are) - preferably a name of the place the child was born, or a name with a link to where you live, or where Elizabeth/Anne live.

choosyfloosy · 11/10/2009 20:55

Sorry, where they lived, or a place that had meaning for them.

FlightAttendant · 11/10/2009 20:57

Thanks TIY I thinkOP mentioned considering changing their names as well, though, but I think that would just be a big finger up to the lives they have already led under their current names.

hormonstersnomore · 11/10/2009 21:10

I have a surname as a middle name (old Scottish tradition) and it has caused a lot of confusion here in England. I've been addressed by my middle name and my middle & last names have been hyphenated. I've even been treated as two separate people by one organisation. Unusual naming is a nuisance and a pain - not my parents fault in my case, as it was conventional when they named me. For your daughter's sake don't do it - if you must change her name (and as you say, a lot of kids have different surnames to either their mothers or fathers), choose a recognisable surname for her.

FanjolinaJolie · 11/10/2009 21:10

I refer to Santimonious post of 10.29:

"Iris Poppy Mulieres.

Iris Poppy Fanjolina.

Iris Poppy DownWithTheBastardMen?"

Great idea. Yes, please name her after me

I am just luverly.

Concordia · 11/10/2009 21:31

i have given this some thought stewpid and have to say that i think it's fine to give your child adifferent surname and lovely to honour departed friends but-
the name you have chosen which will effectively be used as a surname is going to cause her no end of grief. i had terrible problems with my maiden surname (although no bstd men in my family) as it was just such a pita unusual name and i would never change back to it even if DH became the next yorkshire ripper.
friends i've known have changed their names as a family to shake off old ancestral problems.
one did to Thomas - i agree this is a bit boring.
another changed hers to her mother's maiden name. others have suggested this or similar and it may be a good idea.
i would say all 3 of you having the same surname, well why not, it will make things easier and a show of unity, and then you are all free from the bstd men of your families?

Paolosgirl · 11/10/2009 21:41

Except, of course, that her DSS and her DP are still men within the family, so she/they will never quite be rid of the bastards! Everything seems to pivot around the evil nature of 4 men in the previous 2 generations, despite the fact that DSS has stated that he thinks the idea is stupid, and that the OP and her DP have gone through their lives with the names of these "bastard" men, and managed (presumably) to remain decent human beings despite this.

As previous posters have said, by all means give her a different surname if you must, but at least give some thought and consideration to what she'll have to spend the next 80 years explaining. I second Concordia - all 3 of you should take a surname that means something to you all (and give your DSS the opportunity to change his too)

Northernlurker · 11/10/2009 21:45

Nothing wrong with you wishing you to choose another name because of the past but calling your unfortunate child Iris Poppy Elizabeth-Anne is just cruel and unusual imo.

Mind you - It's better than Iris Katherine Elizabeth-Anne.......

I think you should honour your fresh start and call her Iris Elizabeth Anne Stewpidchild.

purpleduck · 11/10/2009 22:05

OMG I LOVE the cat thing....

Iris Poppy Fluffy

Iris Poppy Oscar

nooka · 12/10/2009 06:03

I think that if you are going to do a name change you should all do it. No one says that changing your name on getting married is a rejection of everything that you were before you got married, so why not pick your new name and say it's a celebration/mark of your new family? Not Elisabeth-Anne though - one of the combined shorter versions would work fine though.

SofaQueen · 12/10/2009 06:36

I agree that if you are going to give your daughter a new last name:

-it should be a surname sounding one, not 2 long hyphenated firstnames (poor child will have no end of flack about it, and might just resent you in the future)
-it should be a change that all members of the family take. What would you do for a future child with the current surname you are choosing for your DD - particularly if it is a boy, as many have pointed out.

FlightAttendant · 12/10/2009 06:48

I agree with Paolosgirl.

It almost sounds as though you are (sorry but) taking out your anger and/or rebellion against your relatives, on your child - causing her to have to explain your actions all her life is not fair.

You need to deal with your feelings before you think about her name, IMVHO. It's nothing to do with her. She shouldn't have to explain a highly unusual/unorthodox surname to all and sundry because you are a bit miffed your relatives weren't Nelson Mandela.

It is making her carry your flag and as I said earlier, brings the 'history' abruptly to the fore of any situation where she is required to explain.

Total opposite to what you want I would imagine!

Original poster
Stewpid · 12/10/2009 08:41

flight attendent - I am sorry but that Nelson Mandela quip is patronising in the extreme. My father was an extremely violent man and I clearly have notmanaged to convey what growing up with him was like. I am not taking anything out on my baby, I am starting her out in life with a name that conveys hope and love. Unlike many on this thread I do not think it is cruel not to conform.

OP posts:
DorotheaPlentighoul · 12/10/2009 08:48

Stewpid, you are ignoring the many very sensible points in FlightAttendant's post and just focusing on the one slightly jokey thing she said ... you're not really willing to listen, are you? So why even bother asking what we all think?

MaggieBehave · 12/10/2009 08:48

Stupid

"I am starting her out in life with a name that conveys hope and love"

Love is a sur name. I knew a family with this sur name. wdyt?
Grace and Joy are also (albeit rare) sur names.

Hope would also be a usable sur name.. I know of a Cope.

Pick something USABLE that people will accept as a sur name. I don't mean that they have to be on board with your plans but when they have a pen in their hand and a space on a form to fill in, you just want to spell it out and have them say 'ok, right' and write it down.

Elizabeth-Anne isn't going to be usable in that sense.

You could play around with it all though. Elizabeth as a mn, and Annehope or smething like that?!?