Partner now insists baby names must begin with A after our agreement

[campalotst]

DP name begins with an A, as does his two sibling. His parents did it on purpose and they all have matching tattoos of As in a circle. The parents names start with different letters.

DP has said for quite a few years he would like his child's name beginning with an A.

I wanted to keep my surname and DP wanted me to take his. My babies names are so important to me, I have had a list on my phone for years. So we compromised and I take his as do our kids if I get to pick the babies first names with consideration of his opinions (not a name he hates). He agreed.

Now I've taking his surname he's saying the name I pick must begin with an A.

But I have my lists and not a single one on boys or girls is an A name. How do we resolve this?

He thought the agreement was that everyone would take his surname and and that all kids would have an A name? Tell him that's absolutely not the agreement and also tell him that everyone having the same initials is a tacky af tradition.

Couldn't be me 🤷‍♀️

Don’t have kids with someone so ridiculous and controlling
an “A” tattoo in a circle ⭕️- classy……..

A compromise is he names first child you name second

I hate the idea of feeling pressured to name a child based on tradition. It would drive me barmy and I wouldn’t have done it. The name should be chosen because you both love it, not because somebody 20 or 50 or 100 years ago started a tradition and now everybody meekly follows it forever. I think your DH is wrong to think you should follow this.

Say no that was not the deal I compromised and you agreed to me choosing baby’s names. I’m choosing the name.
That was his parents tradition this is a new family time for new traditions.
I agree I would also change your name back, if your not married and in uk only you can register the baby anyway you can go on your own and call the baby whatever you want to.

A better compromise is she names their first child and if he throws a tantrum she decides not to have a second.

You resolve it by standing your ground.

1. You keep your surname as do the children and he gets his A name.

2. He picks from your list and you & the little 'un take his surname.

What's his pleasure?

It's so tacky. Stay firm OP, it's your child's name not your DHs proof of ownership.

Imagine Christmas round the in-laws.
Alan pass Alex the quality street that Annie bought for Alfie. April, do you and Ashley want a mince pie?

Uuurrrgghhh.

As a Luciferian I am intrigued....

This - and what about post as they grow up; how will you know who it’s for if everyone is A Surname?

Well, he "just thought " wrong then, didn't he.

Your agreement was very clear - he chose your and the DC's surname, so you get to choose their first names.

You would never have agreed to what he's saying he thought was the agreement, it's obviously bollocks, and he knows that.

The only possible resolution is that you choose baby's name. You could allow an A middle name...

I have noticed families who do this tend to be very enmeshed

Margot, Mikey, Milly and Matilda, that sort of thing.

Jack, John and Joe…. I mean for the love of god, it’s the collective family identity 🤢 🚩

Me and my husband both have names that start with S. I took his last name. We didn't follow a tradition but it worked out that two of our children also have S names. It's a right pain when mail arrives addressed to S LastName.

Your children aren't extensions of your DH and you had an agreement. I'd take back your last name if he can't stick to his side of it. Just because his parents started something, doesn't mean he has to continue it. Will he be upset if your grandchildren don't start with A?

It's a tradition that isn't sustainable in the long run. Plus what about if your own parents had stuck their oar in.
That said, I love Aurelie with an accent and Alexander. Could you compromise on second name with an a?
My family have done matchy names before the Kardashians did it.
I just haven't heard a letter extended across all families. So me and 2 siblings have the same letter. My siblings' kids have the same (different) letter. Mine have the same (different) letter.
Wish I hadn't done it now though.

I am guessing Jane Asmo married John Deus
or Jane Mephis married John Topheles

‘Dh, If you can go back on important agreements about our kids and lives so can I. I’m changing my name back and baby will have a name I like and my last name. That’s the kind of trick you’re trying to pull on your pregnant wife so you deserve nothing less. There is no way I will let you pick baby’s name I don’t like AND we all have your last name, I’m not property and I won’t be bullied.’

I am just interested how far apart your name choices are? He is ridiculous for what it is worth. I couldn't even pick a name for my last child, and either could he, we just went with solid. The name never matters as much when the person gets here safely.

Your child's name has to be something you BOTH love. You shouldn't have made any sort of "deal" - this is your child's name, they will have it all their lives and you both have to call them by it! I could never ever name my child something I wasn't fully on board with.

You both need to make lists of names you love. When you have a name that makes both lists, that's what you name your child. If one of you doesn't like the name, it's back to the drawing board.

My DH really wanted to use his late dad's name for our baby girl - a female version of it. It was really important to him. I didn't like the name and so we ruled it out. We chose something else that we both liked!

If it helps, there's a baby name app you can download that you and your partner both have, and it pings up names and you can like or dislike them. Then it tells you if you've both liked the same name. Can't remember what it's called but maybe that would help!

No, no, no. Absolutely not. This essentially means that his parents' decision dictates what v you call your children (and what they call theirs, and they call theirs...).

I know someone who married into a family where every first born son was called John. It's just another way of men enforcing their ego -driven patriarchy. Fuck that.

Even if you had kept your own surname, that's your choice and yours alone. Naming your children is a joint choice. You shouldn't have agreed to any kind of a "deal".

If he's going to make this a "thing" I'd pick some hideous "A" names that he can't possibly like and then some beautiful other names. If he chooses a horrible "A" name over other nicer options you'll know he's an inflexible moron who needs to appease his mum and dad over making his wife and children happy.

A cautionary tale - my friend has the same initial as his dad (let's say L. Davis). In his teens he realised he was gay and had some post sent to the house from a "European" magazine publisher. Of course his dad opened the parcel addressed to Mr L Davis, and my poor friend was outed in a very humiliating way to his very religious parents, way before he was ready. He strongly advised me not to give any of our children the same initial as DH or I.

Sounds like he just wants it his way but he plays the little game of compromise so you think you’re getting a say.

It’s basically his way or the highway.

Be prepared op, your baby will have an ‘A’ name.

What if baby A grows up and falls in love with someone whose family tradition is that all names have to start with a T?

This is the big thing I don't get when people insist on multi-generational family naming traditions. Surely it's obvious (we hope) that the child's other parent will come from a different family, and so will either already have their own family naming tradition or otherwise may well not want to take on somebody else's. It's very presumptuous to insist on it.

The problem with your partner is if you agree A name for this baby he'll expect the same for second baby and that is not fair.

Yes, I agree, going on his previous MO. He might even 'agree' that, as long as he gets to choose the first one, you can choose something different for the second one... but then, when baby no 2 is on their way, he will 'forget' or deny that you ever agreed that, and say how unfair it is for the second baby (and any subsequent ones) to be 'excluded from the family tradition, as though they're somehow inferior'.

As PP pointed out, if you're married, he might find an excuse to go out and register the baby's name alone 'as you have enough to think about whilst you're recovering from the birth' - and automatically follow the 'family' tradition that he's insisted on.

I'm a bit lost here. Is DP a DH? If not, why would changing your name even come up in conversation? Over the last 15 years or so mothers have dropped the ball and normalised the family name being that of the father/partner if unmarried but actually changing ones name when not married could be a new low

If you’ve carried and birthed a baby then you’re the one that gets the privilege of naming. You earned it. End of. Your OH can have his preferences but that’s all they are.

I disagree with this, as it's basically a symbolic early way of establishing the baby as primarily yours, with him just being a much lesser figure on the sidelines. It can herald the first steps to all the responsibility automatically being seen as yours too - as it's YOUR baby that YOU birthed, remember - with him 'helping you' but only if/when he feels like being 'kind'.

Name choices should be equal, with any option that either one of the parents doesn't like/want being automatically discounted from the contenders - be that specific names, names beginning with a certain initial, flower names, one-syllable names or whatever.

So he thought he got the surname and the first name. Like that a genuinely what he thought the agreement was?

Has he never seen your name list?

I don't believe he thought this was the agreement. I think he knew he could get it both ways, what are you going to do, change your name back? Of course not. You're pregnant, then post natal, you're vulnerable af during this time. His whole family are on his side, they will bully you into it.

He will probably get his way.