Don't want to continue husband's 'familial middle name'

[HoitiToiti]

We are in the process of deciding on a name for our son. I'm Irish and dh is Irish too but 'Anglo-Irish' as he'd say.

We are going for an Irish first name. Want a 'Gaelic' middle name too.

DH's middle name is Thomas. His father's middle name is Thomas, his grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great great grandfather's first name was Thomas.

DH and DMil really want out child to have the middle name Thomas. I don't like it too much. I suggested Tomás as it's an Irish form, but they are insisting on Thomas.

DMil says it is important to keep the name as it's a 'family' thing. The great great grandfather was a successful businessman in Dublin... who moved to Ireland from England. He was born in 1850 something I'm told, and is where dh's parent's modest amount of 'family money' comes from... which they have since spent the last of on Caribbean cruises...

"What in the Somerville and Ross is going on here?

😆
Wins the thread

My husband pulled this shit with me. I reminded him that I also have a father and family tradition.

It isn’t up to your mother in law. Although it is half your husbands choice. As it’s only a middle name why don’t you compromise and have 2 middle names?

NEVER gonna happen. OP is from Connacht. That might be even more offensive to her sensibilities.

I'm assuming of course when she said West of Ireland

Don't really get this. Why is it nothing to do with your MIL? If you have relatives that are very difficult and you want to reduce contact with them, then maybe, but if these are loved relatives then I would let them have a bit of a say. With children, I think that parents need to keep them safe etc obviously, but don't need to dictate everything - it's nice if the family join in with things a bit and feel involved. That's not to say that they should have more of a say than you obviously! But choosing a middle name - when it's not at all offensive or anything - sounds like about the right amount of say to me!

After the initial "S Thomas D has been born" message nobody is going to use the middle name. Your STD comment doesn't check out as others have pointed out you were happy to use Tomás. If it means a lot to DH, I'd go with it.

So change the 1st name to an English name not beginning in s and problem solved. The child’s father has the name so surely he’s best placed to decide if it’s odd. Who chose the 1st name?
I don’t see how the money is relevant, it’s a family name. If it is, then while it’s gone now it helped get their family to where they are.

Your husband wants it and he's an equal parent to the child so therefore has equal say. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he said no to something you felt strongly about?
Have two middle names. Problem solved. No one uses them anyway.

That's the thing. I think it's astoundingly patriarchal to just unthinkingly assume any offspring your male children have will have his chosen middle name AND surname, as if the mum and her choices and potential family traditions aren't even going to factor into the decision making.

If I didn't like a first name then I would say but I can't get worked up about middle names. If I had your scenario I would say yes in a heartbeat. I would however rankle if there was pressure from others but I would still say yes for my husband/partner.
My husband doesn't have the 'family name' although 3 generations before him did. He was really sad about it. Our eldest has the name but he knows that noone will mind if he doesn't call his child that name

If the name has been carried down through multiple generations and is still important to your husband then it's very likely it will also be important to your son when he's older. How would you feel if you refused the name and your son when he's older told you he was upset about it?
I'm assuming you are making up the initials to sway the comments as you previously said you suggested Tomas instead of Thomas.
And your silly comment about your MIL spending (her!) money on cruises just makes you sound childish.

I say he is your baby too and you and your partner decide what to call him, and you both need to be happy.

I refused to give my children a family middle name from the ILs as it meant nothing to me and it was pretentious.

I am guessing that you resent having a name, even a perfectly blameless name like Thomas foisted upon you by your in laws.

I also strongly suspect by the use of West Brit/Angle Irish that your MIL has airs and graces and views herself as superior to your family in that strong Dublin4, privately schooled head up their arse manner. It grates, and pandering to the notion that they are some sort of landed gentry by handing down the "family" name is just winding you up.

Your husband cares, you are married. This is not the hill to die on.
Avoiding STD is definitely a good point but be wary it doesn't become an excuse to make Thomas his first name.

What does the second son get landed with out of interest ? Or are they a non entity?

I'm thinking this is your first child. This is not a hill to die on. Nor is it a thing to alienate your husbands family. Give him two middle names if your must.

I agree with this.

Unless OP genuinely dislikes the name Thomas/ associates it with unpleasant experiences etc.

Give him two middle names, that way you get one each. 🙂

It's "Thomas" not "Satan" - just stick it in there. I'm quite shocked you're up for breaking a 5 generation tradition because its not quite to your fancy.

It’s a middle name, it’s not offensive and it’s important to your DH.

Put it on birth certificate and forget about it.

Not worth arguing over.

For what it’s worth one of my friends was pressured by her DH and DH’s family to have Chaim (with hard “ch” like Loch) as a first name for her DS. She’s really struggled with it… just be thankful it’s a middle name and it’s not hard to pronounce or too unusual.

That’s what we’ve done. One from me one from dh.

I don’t actually like dh’s one and he’s never said he liked mine. It’s compromise and makes little difference. One of ours can’t even remember their middle names

"What does the second son get landed with out of interest ? "

A career in the Irish Guards regiment ;-)

He was born in 1850 something I'm told, and is where dh's parent's modest amount of 'family money' comes from... which they have since spent the last of on Caribbean cruises...

So your DH's parents have never worked? If not, this comment is a bit disingenuous, and also has nothing to do with the issue anyway.

I wouldn't think so, noone thinks that closely on other people's names and most don't use their middle name day to day

All gone quiet on the West of Ireland front. Congratulations on your baby @HoitiToiti

I had exactly this issue and I went with the family middle name just because it didn't matter that much to me and it was quite acceptable.

When MIL then tried influencing 2nd sons christian name she was shut down. Also 2nd son didn't get family middle name - seems she had lost interest by then!!