Don't want to continue husband's 'familial middle name'

[HoitiToiti]

We are in the process of deciding on a name for our son. I'm Irish and dh is Irish too but 'Anglo-Irish' as he'd say.

We are going for an Irish first name. Want a 'Gaelic' middle name too.

DH's middle name is Thomas. His father's middle name is Thomas, his grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great great grandfather's first name was Thomas.

DH and DMil really want out child to have the middle name Thomas. I don't like it too much. I suggested Tomás as it's an Irish form, but they are insisting on Thomas.

DMil says it is important to keep the name as it's a 'family' thing. The great great grandfather was a successful businessman in Dublin... who moved to Ireland from England. He was born in 1850 something I'm told, and is where dh's parent's modest amount of 'family money' comes from... which they have since spent the last of on Caribbean cruises...

We have a family middle name. My nephew loves the connection it brings to his cousins and uncles.

it’s not the name as such - but the association and sense of belonging and family history.

your mil doesn’t get a vote - but your husband surely does?

Ok... My DH family are all Williams and Roberts going back to 1500 or so.

If you're husband is a Healy, then Thomas is an unusually English name that dates back probably as far. Blame your ancestors. If you've a different surname, knock yourself out 😂 but honestly, there are random familial names in Irish ancestry. I've never worked out why the Healys also have Dermot instead of Diarmuid for example.

Are you sort of trying to cancel the West Brit bit of your new family?

Or are you just pissed with your pushy PiL?

I hate it when pushy Mil trot out the old shite it’s traditional; it’s a family name etc I hate the name Thomas; all I see is a blue bloody train & a fat controller; it’s your baby boy you name him it’s totally your choice.

Does the child's father have a choice, no?

This. We had same situation and child was given 2 middle names. I don’t give it a thought now.

It’s just an inoffensive middle name. Which will not be used most of the time.
why not add an extra middle name? To avoid the STD initials. I think that you’re overthinking the scanning of the name and whether Irish Irish “Anglo” Irish will go. Saying them all out loud will be vanishingly rare, it won’t be harmful to your child and why shouldn’t your DH have equal say in naming.

They can insist all they like.
No is the only answer you need give. On repeat if necessary

only if you want to be controlling.

It's her DH's baby boy too and it is not totally her choice. I hate this sexist shit.

How about having a 3rd or 4th person working in the same room as them? Would it help the non pg person to ‘behave’ and watch out her words better?

Sorry wrong thread!!

My son has the family first name, same as his Dad, his Dad, his Dad and so on
but
here’s The clincher - I like the name and was happy for him to have it.

In your case - your son should not have any name that both parents like.
Regardless of it being your husbands family ‘thing’, it’s not your family ‘thing’ and your son is being born from the joining of two families to create a new family.

Go with names you like, not an obligation to give.

It's not totally her choice. She has a DH. He's the baby's father, and HE wants to continue the name.

The MIL is a red herring. The child's father wants the name, and damn right he gets an equal say when it comes to naming his child.

I’ve sort of been here and really you need to be honest with yourself and just say ‘I’m doing this out of spite’.

I too really don’t get on with my in laws, they’re pushy, over bearing, opinionated and generally very rude to people. If they suggest one thing, I’m inclined to say something else just because I don’t like agreeing with them. Yes I’m being petty but they aren’t supportive parents and they have really upset us over the years.

Having said that they were never pushy about names (they didn’t mention the baby my whole pregnancy either). In my family first names can be anything both parents choose together (incidentally my DD has an Irish name spelt in an English way and you’d probably die but that’s another story!) however through the years second names have ended up being passed around. My sister (as oldest) shares my mother’s middle name, which happens to be my Nana’s formal first name, my Niece has my middle name, my nephew’s middle name (and my soon to be DS) share my Grandfather’s first name (Dad’s father), it wasn’t really planned, it just happened naturally as they’re nice names. It’s just a sentiment to honour someone we love.

When my DD was born I wanted to give her my Nana’s informal name as a middle name. Sadly whilst pregnant, my husband’s gran died and as I had chosen first and second name (he really liked and agreed to both thankfully!) I felt obliged to give her his grans name too, because what happens if we only had one girl? I agreed to a second middle name. Luckily his gran had a really pretty first name so our DD has three names I love. Plus the more names you have, the more unique it becomes.

A massive part of me wanted to be awkward and kick up a fuss about me being the one who’s gone through a 9 month marathon and she has his surname so why does he get a middle name too. But being realistic I would have been petty, it was just a middle name and I’ve never actually said it outloud for 4 years.

All these random things about culture, heritage, politics, money, they’re just excuses because you don’t like his parents but don’t take it out on your DH, he really likes his name and would like to carry it on. It’s a common and inoffensive name. In the grand scheme of things, I think he’ll really appreciate the gesture.

Good Luck with your baby, becoming a parent is wonderful and so much more than a middle name, pick your battles in life

I think naming your child is very primal and it can feel like a huge deal. But I'm not sure it stays that way - their name becomes part of them and you end up feeling differently anyway. And middle names are easily ignored.

I like 'mixed' names. I have one Irish parent and one German Jewish one and my full name makes that very obvious.

I'll just add to that that my Irish grandfather was named Thomas, stout republican and I don't think he ever left Tallaght in his life.

OP, does your DH have the same surname as this ‘original Thomas’? If so, that’s tradition more-than-enough in my book. I would really resent patriarchal tradition like this just because in those days men could make money and women couldn’t.

Tell your DH and MIL that fine, your baby can be Thomas but you will be reverting to your birth surname and giving that to your baby.

you can have two middle names 👍

Give it as a middle name but AFTER the one you want to give him… my son has 2 middle names too, but only one is shown on driving licence etc, the other just shows as an initial. So most ‘official’ documents show the first middle name in full and the second middle name as the initial

If you want to be controlling 😆

And the inlaws insisting which name she uses? That's not controlling? What screwed up upside down world do you live in 😆

don’t take it out on your DH, he really likes his name and would like to carry it on. It’s a common and inoffensive name. In the grand scheme of things, I think he’ll really appreciate the gesture.

The OP had already made the very significant gesture of adopting her DH’s surname.

OP, I can see that it is important to your DH, and he likes the name and the tradition. If you decide to go with it out if love for him, I would make it very clear that the naming of your baby is between you and him, and that his mother’s opinion and interference in the matter is irrelevant and inappropriate and that he needs to know that and be direct if his mother starts on about it.

That’s kind of the point… why does dad get to insist baby has his middle name as well as his surname?! If I didn’t like it I’d just say no. Both parents have to like it.

Are you ignoring the fact that the DH wants to use the name? Does it not fit your screwed up upside down view of the scenario?

Just say you don’t like it and don’t want his initials to be STD and that’s it