Don't want to continue husband's 'familial middle name'

[HoitiToiti]

We are in the process of deciding on a name for our son. I'm Irish and dh is Irish too but 'Anglo-Irish' as he'd say.

We are going for an Irish first name. Want a 'Gaelic' middle name too.

DH's middle name is Thomas. His father's middle name is Thomas, his grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great great grandfather's first name was Thomas.

DH and DMil really want out child to have the middle name Thomas. I don't like it too much. I suggested Tomás as it's an Irish form, but they are insisting on Thomas.

DMil says it is important to keep the name as it's a 'family' thing. The great great grandfather was a successful businessman in Dublin... who moved to Ireland from England. He was born in 1850 something I'm told, and is where dh's parent's modest amount of 'family money' comes from... which they have since spent the last of on Caribbean cruises...

It’s important to your husband so I can’t see why you wouldn’t just go along with it. It might not be your choice of name but it’s a perfectly normal standard name, there is nothing for you to object to.

It would be mean to deny your son his place in this long standing tradition and something that your husband wants for no good reason.

Names often have a particular significance in Irish families. Long story, but we healed a long standing sadness in dp's family by using a particular name. It helped that it was a nice name and we were happy to use it, but the symbolism was important too. And it is also to ds now he's a young adult.

I think you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder and this name thing is just a way to get some point across. Maybe you don't even know what the point is! I completely understand the chip, where I live in a corner of Ireland where there a few old Anglo Irish families. They are perfectly nice people but there is something about the whole horsey/boarding school in England/we have no money but actually loads of money/unconscious sense of superiority that gets my back up. As someone from a long line of peasants and working class people, I think it's my own issues as much as anything else. Bit late now but I think I would have felt very uncomfortable marrying in to that 'set' (and it is a set). I have a good friend who is herself quite upper middle class who has really struggled with it. I think this is about MUCH more than a name but I wouldn't make the name the hill to die on.

Middle names are given way too much significance on these boards. I really do think you come off as petty or if not that then you care too much about your family's opinion. Both parents should have a say in the child's name.

As for Thomas being strange next to Irish names, for starters very few people will know his full name and it really doesn't stand out at all. It also doesn't come off as very English to me unlike George, Edward etc.

If it was a first name you could argue the toss. But as a middle name which is inoffensive, it just is petty.

Have two middle names, job done. (DS has two middle names. He rarely uses them)

Two middle initals looks better than one!

It’s a pretty inoffensive name. It’s classic and timeless, not like they’re asking you to have Gary, Kelvin or Terry.

You have final say on the first name, he has Thomas as the middle name. Like PP have said. Who really cares about middle names?

I had this too. It really pissed me off. It wasn’t even a nice name like Thomas, it was an awful one - think Colin! It annoyed me too because DS was already getting his surname from DH’s family. So I insisted on 2 middle names. My dad’s (much nicer) name as the first middle name, then “Colin”. Poor DS!

This

I have Catholic Irish family heritage. Thomas goes back in my family as far as I can trace which is around 1840s.

To say Thomas isn't Irish enough is just daft.

I wouldn’t have 2 middle names. Unnecessarily clunky. I’d just use Thomas as the middle name - and you get full choice of first name. Middle names are often used just as an initial anyway. Thomas is inoffensive. It would be different if it was an awful name.

I think you need to be honest with yourself here - you don't warm to your DH's family and certainly not his heritage so this is about more than the name. Personally I would add in another name of your choice to get round the initial thing - Thomas is not a politically charged English name (in fact as a Welsh person I see it more as a Welsh surname) - I could see why you may wish to avoid William for example, but hopefully this is something that could be added as it's important to your DH without impacting your overall view of your son's names. My son's name goes back 6 generations and my DH was fine with it being his first name, but if he'd have not liked it, I'd have very much hoped to have it in there, even as a third name.

What a palaver over a middle name that will get used a handful of times in their lives? Birth, driving, wedding and mortgage certificates? If this minor issue is causing so much drama you really need to learn not to sweat the small stuff.

I'm assuming your son is also getting DH's surname? I think it fair that you get to veto the middle name

Well presumably if he's getting the father's surname that's because the OP also chose to take it as her surname when they got married. So you're effectively saying he gets no say in his child's name?

My very Irish family has had quite a few generations of men named Thomas, spelt like that (mostly known as Tommy).

Tell me about it. What if it was "Irish name, English name, Irish name, Irish name" mar shampla:
Seán, Thomas, Uaid, Delaney.
Boom! Your kid will no longer be associated with visits to the GUM clinic.

I now want to see who has the most eclectic name. I volunteer my DS to start:

English first name
Irish (Protestant) middle name
4th century Gothic middle name 😂
Irish (Catholic) surname

I know someone will beat that!

I wouldn't care personally it's only a middle name.

Tell him you’ll compromise by ditching the middle name completely. As others have said, they serve no purpose whatsoever

It’s a middle name, the child will never use it and it’s unlikely anyone except immediate family will ever know their middle name. It’s a nice name and it means a lot to your husband and his family, it would be rather mean of you not to allow it. Your husband’s family, culture and history are equally as important to your child as your family side. If it was a first name that everyone will know the child by I could understand your reluctance, being a middle name this just seems petty and unkind.

Add Thomas in somewhere. It's important to your family, yes your in laws are your family now. Nobody else will think anything weirdo. It's only a middle name.

Take 3 Irish & add in Thomas somewhere.

I'm Irish British from NI if that matters?!

I agree with your husband. Middle names should mean something. It's only a middle name. Give him another if you are that bothered, so its

George Arthur Thomas Jones for example

At least he's not insisting on it as a first name.

I disagree with the comments saying it's petty - you should not be being dictated to by your MIL about this and I would be saying no on that basis.

I think you’re being a little harsh, it’s just a middle name and it clearly means a lot to your DH. The initials might be a little unfortunate but could he have another middle name of your choosing between his first name and Thomas to break it up?

I'm firmly in the 'both parents have to like the names camp'. So for me it's not nothing to end up with a name (even a middle name) you don't like. I think @HoitiToiti offered an excellent compromise.