Don't want to continue husband's 'familial middle name'

[HoitiToiti]

We are in the process of deciding on a name for our son. I'm Irish and dh is Irish too but 'Anglo-Irish' as he'd say.

We are going for an Irish first name. Want a 'Gaelic' middle name too.

DH's middle name is Thomas. His father's middle name is Thomas, his grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great great grandfather's first name was Thomas.

DH and DMil really want out child to have the middle name Thomas. I don't like it too much. I suggested Tomás as it's an Irish form, but they are insisting on Thomas.

DMil says it is important to keep the name as it's a 'family' thing. The great great grandfather was a successful businessman in Dublin... who moved to Ireland from England. He was born in 1850 something I'm told, and is where dh's parent's modest amount of 'family money' comes from... which they have since spent the last of on Caribbean cruises...

we had a similar situation. We did Welsh name, welsh name, english family name, surname. Kept everyone happy and I never use the family name (not that we often use either of the middle names!)

Agreed they’re not great initials. But just add in another middle name of your choice.
It’s important to your DH for good reason, a long tradition in the family, and it’s a very normal non-offensive, non-ridiculous name. It doesn’t matter what your MIL wants, but if it’s important to your DH he gets a say too.

Baby has your DH’s surname, so no, he doesn’t get to have a middle name if you don’t like it too. That’s ridiculous. And your mil’s doesn’t get a say in this. Tell her to bugger off!

@HoitiToiti how about he chooses the middle name (Thomas, the family name) and you choose the first name? You could also have 2 middle names - Thomas and then something else. DP and I have chosen one middle name each.

I understand you want all Irish names, but I think you should compromise and let DH choose one middle name. I am mixed race and I’m not demanding the entire name to be my racial heritage. Thomas is also fairly common as a first and surname in Ireland. It’s also Biblical and Ireland is a Christian country.

Presumably this baby will be given DH's family surname so DH's family already have 1 of the 3 names.

Are you agreed on the first name or is that your choice, otherwise it looks like DH's family is choosing the whole name.

If you go for Tómas or Thomas you must have an additional name to break the STD combo!

All that said, if DH's family are proud of their English heritage, you probably come across as hurtful and possibly a bit racist for ruling it out. I can't imagine declining my husband's family name choice because it's from another country.

I agree that you’re being a bit ridiculous about this OP. I can absolutely assure you that no one gives a hoot about middle names, and the initials thing can easily be solved by putting whatever other Irish middle name you would like first, and Thomas second e.g. Seamus Cormac Thomas Donegan.

This is not a hill to die on..

I don’t think it would. My son has welsh name English name welsh name. Dh family is welsh and I am welsh but with some English family. the english middle name was from my family and was so important to me. Dh was happy with it as he knew how important it was for me. For dc2 the middle name came from dh family.

Think it's sad that it's a perfectly normal name and means a lot to your husband (ignore the MIL) but you're not happy to have it because of potentially what your family might think.

Trade for having full choice over your baby’s first name (or surname if you didn’t take your husband’s). And yes, you need two middle names.
So name you love, middle name you love, Thomas, last name that matches yours.

OP could choose the first name and one middle name. Her DH could choose the other middle name (Thomas) and the surname. That’s two names each then.

I think that your husband has as much right to choose a name as you do! My son is saddled with a horrid middle name from mu DH family but it meant a lot to them and he never uses it anyway. Just stick another middle name in...make it Irish and then both sides should be happy.

Literally nobody but you will care enough to even notice. I'd go with it and then insist I'd get my first choice for first name. Win win in my opinion.

I’m forever grateful that I’m a female. My younger brother was saddled with the middle name “Borrodell”. The tradition died with him. (He didn’t have kids and no way were mine or my cousin’s kids getting that one!)

Do it as a second middle name. It means a lot to your DH and the STD initials can be avoided that way. Also my DD has a traditional French first name, modern British middle name, French middle name, French surname. It’s fine to mix styles!

It's only a middle name, if it mattered a lot to my DH then I'd be fine with it. I wasn't fussed about giving middle names (I don't have one) but DH wanted DDs to have them so they do. I don't care.
If you'd be fine with an Irish form of the name then I think it's ridiculous to refuse it on the grounds of the initials. And it doesn't look silly at all to have a mix of Irish and English names, plenty of people have names from different backgrounds.

I do think MIL should back off though, it's nothing to do with her.

Middle names don’t really matter. If it means so much to your husband it would be really unkind to not have it.

I don't think it would to an outsider, maybe to you. There are tonnes of people who have a middle name that originates from a different country to honour one branch of the family. People called things like Paul Anthony Francois Smith or Jennifer Shirin Anderson.

If that's your worry, I'd relax.

Easiest path is to have something like Seamus Ciaran Thomas D, bung another middle name in to break up the initials - a chance to honour someone from your side?

Another perspective: I'd find it quite cool to have a middle name that was passed down to me through six generations. Personally it would be a nice comfort and source of interest to me (provided the family it came from wasn't toxic or harmful, etc.). That's just me though and is because of my personality, and while of course you don't know what your child's personality will be yet, maybe consider if it's a family-history link he might enjoy?

He’s your DHs child too, you’re not the only one that gets to pick the names. Maybe time to get over your dislike of the English? And I say that as a Scot, not as an English person.

I get where you're coming from OP, the differences between Irish and west Brit etc. It was always going to be difficult for you and your husband, particularly as you both seem to come from families that lean into their "identities" very strongly (saying that as someone whose family also has a strong nationalist steak).

In terms of the name thing, I would let your baby's middle name be Thomas, in private you can pronounce is Tomás. My family is from up north and I know plenty of Thomas's both within and without the family. It doesn't come across to me as an "English" name.

I guess what I'm interested to know is, what's the deal with surnames? Have you changed yours? Your DS will have his dads last name? Surely that's much more English than the middle name Thomas, particularly if they're D4 which is what it sounds like they are.

My two childhood best friends are Irish (born and raised in England but with parents from the RoI, all Catholics). One even has cousins who were sent to Irish-speaking summer school every year. Both of their dads are called Thomas so I think to say it's not an Irish name is a bit off!

It's funny that the OP only brought up the initials drip-feed after I'd made a comment on the initials, but it was fine when she was suggesting the Irish spelling instead...

I'm not sure who will think it's 'daft' to have a very generic common name mixed in with traditional Irish names, because beyond a christening nobody except the odd passport control person will ever even know, unless you go about telling everyone. Especially if it's a second middle name.

I agree. YABU. I would keep Thomas especially as it has a history stretching so far back.

I think the ta-da initials reveal is what's commonly known as "jumping the shark" 😉

It's funny that the OP only brought up the initials drip-feed after I'd made a comment on the initials, but it was fine when she was suggesting the Irish spelling instead...

Yes if the initials are a problem then that's the issue not the heritage of the name. Obviously the simple alternative is to have 2 middle names which is easily resolved.

This is obviously not about the initials spelling something inappropriate. It's clearly as I said earlier because the OP sees it as her getting one up against her in-laws.