Don't want to continue husband's 'familial middle name'

[HoitiToiti]

We are in the process of deciding on a name for our son. I'm Irish and dh is Irish too but 'Anglo-Irish' as he'd say.

We are going for an Irish first name. Want a 'Gaelic' middle name too.

DH's middle name is Thomas. His father's middle name is Thomas, his grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great great grandfather's first name was Thomas.

DH and DMil really want out child to have the middle name Thomas. I don't like it too much. I suggested Tomás as it's an Irish form, but they are insisting on Thomas.

DMil says it is important to keep the name as it's a 'family' thing. The great great grandfather was a successful businessman in Dublin... who moved to Ireland from England. He was born in 1850 something I'm told, and is where dh's parent's modest amount of 'family money' comes from... which they have since spent the last of on Caribbean cruises...

No one thinks the MIL gets a say. The DH does though.

OP, you and your DH may have different backgrounds, but your DH's heritage will be your DC's heritage just as much as yours will.

Add another middle name.

Or two if that's better

No one has said the MIL gets to dictate to them about the name. However the child's father wants to continue the tradition and surely he gets an opinion on the child's name.

It's coming across very petty as the OP is clearly only saying no because she doesn't like her in laws family or their views.

How is that a compromise?

French first name
Danish first middle name
Swahili second middle name
Arabic surname

Reflecting our mixed heritage on both sides. Middle names after our both dads.

I’m afraid you lost me at “West Brit”, OP.

I come from a unionist background in the North, and married a Gaelgoir Dub. When we had the kids, we made sure to reflect both our backgrounds in their names. It’s meant they have names exactly as you’re looking to avoid: Irish first name- English middle name-Welsh surname-Ó Surname.

It might look clunky or -a weird mix to some, but to us it’s a reflection of their family backgrounds and non-political.

@Anothernamechange4 these are the best sorts of names in my opinion!

But Thomas is a perfectly normal average common name. This is totally different

Honestly, op, I would just let him have Thomas as the middle name. A family tradition is a nice thing and Thomas is a perfectly pleasant name. As long as you are happy with the first name then that is the important thing. Maybe you could agree that you get the casting vote with naming your next child.

My husband had a family middle name thing. I wanted a different middle name so we had 2 middle names. Works well for us

The name choices for our children are influenced by our current location, history and family tradition - to anyone outside it looks like a weird mish mash - but that's what makes it a rare combo and reflective of us. Would certainly add something else in to avoid STD though!

You keep changing your reason you don't want this middle name.

Why would it be weird to have a mix if your child will have a mixed cultural heritage? My husband is Norwegian, I'm Welsh. My daughter's name is Norwegian name, Welsh name, Norwegian name and I promise no one has ever gone 'oh my GOD how weird!!"

But by all means keep moving those goal posts.

I’m Irish, and have moved in England for 25 years (to an Englishman). I get the West Brit reference but tbh I think a lot of us have a culture gap with out in laws- maybe it’s just muddied by the last of the “family money” being spent. But I think it’s a case of marrying your past with his (regardless of the West Brit thing).

I really really wanted Irish names for our kids and our son has an Irish first name then two pretty classical Biblical (English) names. It didn’t bother me and I figured if he gets bored of spelling his Irish first name, he can use a middle name.

one of my Gaelgeoir friends had kids with an Englishman and chose (to me) very English names - along the lines of Hugo and Verity. It’s just about finding your way to create your own family history Ultimately once the baby is here, it’s just their name and it feels less of a big deal about whose family history the name reflects.

You are sounding petty. It's odd to suggest changing it to the Irish spelling when the entire point to your DH is that his DS shares the same middle name - not some adjacent middle name. Add in another middle name to break up the initials issue.
And maybe have a think about what is motivating you to try to stoke a cultural/religious/sectarian war with your ILs via the naming of your baby. (and yy my family is Irish and DH's family isn't - and one side of my family came from one side of the divide and the other half from the other so I've seen latent resentments play out in lots of different ways. I've also seen people move on. You get to choose which you are.).

So has your son got his surname? I would have thought that would be enough. Thomas is fine but I'd veto any more 'traditional' stuff. Where does your heritage come into it?

*No one has said the MIL gets to dictate to them about the name. However the child's father wants to continue the tradition and surely he gets an opinion on the child's name.

It's coming across very petty as the OP is clearly only saying no because she doesn't like her in laws family or their views.*

Yes he gets a say but he should be expecting it to be a discussion where OP gets equal say and may well say no, not one where they all presume she will go along with it. Especially if the baby will also have his surname. It sounds like she is being strong armed into it by the lot of them here, he should be telling his mum OP is still thinking about it and they might agree on something else and that's ok and to be expected, not going along with her telling OP what's "important".

I agree, BB! I personally don’t understand the desire for a “heritage common thread” running throughout all the names - in fact, I think it’s important to do the opposite for mixed race/religion/heritage kids. But each to their own…

We also have an accent in there which are contentious among some on Mumsnet. Once got told on here it was ‘stupid’ to include one on the French name of my child with French heritage. I’ll just report that feedback back to all the ‘stupid’ French, Portuguese etc people who have given their kids accurately spelled/accented names. 🙄

You just need to add a second middle name beginning with a 'U'. Ulysses?

S
T
U
D

Fixed!

Is he getting your surname? If he is, I'd say let them have the middle name. But if he's already getting his surname from his dad's dad's dad then then what's the problem?!

My ds...he is dhs ds too... has Ridiculous Husbands Family first name. Then Irish second name by which he is known. Then boring West Brit prod 3rd name becauseI was entitledto input. Then dh family surname which is boring like Smith.
Ds uses the extra names as passwords online. Apart from that nobody knows they exist.
Whe dd1 was born I was told nobody had used the name Mary yet because dh would want to call her after his granny. If we hadn't registered her birth I would have shoved Mary in.

Is there an Irish name beginning with U? Put it after Thomas

I don't see the problem. Give your son two middle names.
My DH is also Irish. I'm english.
Our ds1 has two middle names. One family name from each of us

Middle names mean nothing really don't they? I don't even have one.

I'd let my husband crack on.

Ah- I've got a Tom- so I love it and am biased- as someone else said give them 3- we did this to incorporate both parental grandfathers names

Realistically you only use a middle name when your child is in trouble.

DAITHI THOMAS HOITI-TOITI WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF???

Frankly, for effect you could stick in another middle name there for emphasis, if you think he's going to be a baddie when he's 10. Something your MIL will hate like Padraig. :)