Don't want to continue husband's 'familial middle name'

[HoitiToiti]

We are in the process of deciding on a name for our son. I'm Irish and dh is Irish too but 'Anglo-Irish' as he'd say.

We are going for an Irish first name. Want a 'Gaelic' middle name too.

DH's middle name is Thomas. His father's middle name is Thomas, his grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great grandfather's middle name was Thomas. His great great grandfather's first name was Thomas.

DH and DMil really want out child to have the middle name Thomas. I don't like it too much. I suggested Tomás as it's an Irish form, but they are insisting on Thomas.

DMil says it is important to keep the name as it's a 'family' thing. The great great grandfather was a successful businessman in Dublin... who moved to Ireland from England. He was born in 1850 something I'm told, and is where dh's parent's modest amount of 'family money' comes from... which they have since spent the last of on Caribbean cruises...

It's a middle name. Outside of family nobody will know or care about it. Why kick up a fuss?

I'm surprised at the number of 'keep the peace' opinions here. DH and I had a rule we had to agree on all names. If neither agreed, it was off the list. And I assume as you're married they'll have his surname already? Is that not enough for them?

@HoitiToiti
It sounds like you’re trying to bury your child’s English heritage. You’ve chosen to marry and have a family with a man who clearly identifies as partly English. I’d suggest you model mutual tolerance and respect regarding his and your child’s identity rather than attempting to hide it by changing a family name spelling.

We had something kind of similar in that DHs dad's family, and DH and his siblings all have the same middle name. It was then given to my nieces and nephews. It's not an offensive name but not one I was particularly drawn to.

I asked about it's provenance and no one really knew... Some vague story of some ancestor. I said, no that wasn't happening. Our children all have my maiden surname as a middle name.

If my DH felt strongly I'd maybe shove it in there as a 2nd or 3rd middle name to keep the peace but I'd begrudge it a bit.

Can you have two middle names and you pick the other?

Why would it look daft to have names reflecting both of his parents? You're coming across very poorly.

I wouldn’t make my decision based on your MIL’s input one bit.

However, I don’t agree when people say stuff like “You birthed them so you get to name them.” I picked the first name and my husband got to pick the middle name, which was also a family name (which I don’t love or even like tbh - it sounds unpleasant but I really love Thomas!) but he’s the parent too of course so should have a say. And the name obviously has importance to him. I just told myself I know very few people’s middle names… And I preferred him being happy about a name with importance to him (and his family to I suppose as I am very fond of my in-laws) than picking something with no meaning that we just like or is trendy. Didn’t help I talked about compromise in our wedding vows so I kinda had to follow up on that! 😁

Thomas is a gorgeous name: cute when he’s little but also ages very well. Congratulations!

You're throwing out plenty of excuses, just be honest and admit you just don't want to us the name because you don't like DHs parents / family. It wouldn't look odd at all, most people don't give a second thought to a person's middle name/s, and that's if they even know them.

Why would you not give him Thomas? I mean it makes your dh and dmil happy and who cares about middle names? I don't think I know the middle name of many people I am close too.
YABU and petty in my opinion.

As PPs have said, I would choose another middle name alongside Thomas if it is important to your husband.

Thomas isn't a particularly English name not like its Charles or George. I know a few men called Thomas who are Irish, I think you're way over thinking it. He'll never use it anyway and just don't put it on any forms or anything. My middle name is horrible I just don't include it on anything except my driving licence and passport

Our family was in a similar situation. Everyone wanted and expected the new born son to keep the family name of Robert and started referring to the fetus as Robert. The mother didn't want that name so they opted for it as a middle name and people are still sour about it.

I think your son would want Thomas as a middle name. It can be an enormous sense of pride to feel like you have something meaningful given to you by previous generations. I am not at all a traditionalist and the name of my child means so much to me but I would personally go for it.

If it’s important to your husband then why wouldn’t you just do this? It’s not like you’re ever going to use it. Include your own fathers middle name too if it helps.

West Brit? Fucking hell. You mean Irish then.

You sound like those red neck Republicans who insist New Yorkers aren't Real Americans.

Why does that rule out their opinion if your DH wants it too?

Just put another name in so the initials aren't STD. If it's really important to your DH, I'd go along with it but you get your first choice for first name. My Irish grandfather (born around 1918 I think) was called Thomas.

Just add another name in, it will be fine. There's nothing "daft" about having an English name alongside Irish ones, especially as it's a name with meaning. You're over thinking it.

What have your in laws' cruise holidays got to do with anything?

I agree with everyone else..You're trying to exclude that part of the family, and it's unfair on your DH. You can't wash the English from your child's genes, and it's a bit freaky (disturbing, even) that you want to pretend it doesn't exist.

Two middle names I’d go for then (which we went for). Then you both get to pick one you love - sounds like you’d also have two names picked in this case if you’re also having the final say on the first name. That is more than fair enough I think.

I think I would have regretted not letting my husband pick the middle name he wanted. Actually I definitely would have.

What about Tomas as a first name? That would honour both sides of his heritage.

My son has a family middle name that I don't like. But it was important to my husband and it's just a middle name. He also has another middle name that was important to me.

I think it's a bit mean to not give him the middle name. I would think in future it will mean a lot to your son to have continued a tradition like that.

All the more reasonable then to add another middle name before or after the Thomas.

I don't think you can now make the Anglo-Irish thing an issue. That ship sailed when you married your husband.

I'd agree to it as it's only a middle name and it's ok but I'd make it clear next time we disagree about a big parenting issue we do it my way.

But your desires don't trump your DH's. I think to be honest if it really means a lot to him I'd give it.

In not to many years it will be up to your son whether he uses the name, not you.

What's wrong with Thomas? It's a perfectly normal name, I have family with that name, and we are all Irish living in Ireland. Nobody remembers the middle name of other kids anyways. I can't even remember some of my nieces and nephews middle names and I only have a couple if nieces and nephews!