Mum doesn’t like our new baby’s name and it has really upset me

[sillysausage999]

So baby is six days old and we are still in hospital because of complications for me. We didn’t tell anyone our shortlist of names before the birth and have been spending a few days with our little girl before we decided on one. Yesterday we told my mum our decision when she was visiting in hospital, and she looked disappointed. Today I called her after my operation to tell her it had gone well, and the conversation turned into this:
”so you’ve definitely chosen <name> have you?”
”yes”
”I have to say I was a bit surprised”
”right”
”I thought you would choose something more like Matilda”
”ok”
”you like <name> do you?”
”well yes, but you clearly don’t”
”it’s ok, but I really don’t love it”
She then proceeded to tell me the “horrible nickname” that she could be called at school, and that she didn’t think it had a nice shortened form for a baby. She also told me everyone in history/tv who’s ever had the name (she’s been frantically researching overnight and seems to think I’ve not done any myself). It’s a two syllable name in the top 100, so nothing weird! She also said she’d been looking in the baby name book on our coffee table (she has been round feeding the cats whilst we’ve been in hospital) and found our shortlist on a piece of paper inside - this is super annoying as I would never have shown it to her (or anyone really).
I am really upset because we spent ages choosing the name and this is our first baby. Clearly we wouldn’t have picked it if it wasn’t our favourite. I am worried that now whenever I use/hear our daughter’s name I will have these negative associations 😔 I am also annoyed that she thought it was an appropriate thing to say and I feel like it has ruined our relationship. Can anyone sympathise or give advice?

When I was expecting, we were bouncing around a few name suggestions, while visiting my parents.

"What about Clive?" said my mother.

From behind his copy of Practical Gardening, my father growled, "Everyone I've known called Clive was a wanker!"

Fortunately, we had a girl.

She shouldn’t have said anything but it does seem quite extreme for you to say this will ruin your relationship. Perhaps when you tell her that it’s in the top 100 names and so not unpopular she might feel better about it as she might be worrying thinking it’s dated.

When my son was born I shared what his name would be if he were a girl to my mum and she really didn’t like the girl’s name. Now we trying for another child I really regret sharing as I can’t forget my mum dislikes the name so you have my sympathy.

I think your mum is allowed to say she doesn't like your choice. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and some families are just more honest about theirs than others!

What she's not allowed to do is refuse to use the name or call your baby something different, which some grandparents have done when they disapprove.

Have confidence on your own choice because it is your decision. When you become a parent, suddenly everyone has an opinion on everything and you gave up learn to filter what you take on board. I know it's early days but you will need to toughen up a bit because you can't avoid hearing that some people would make different choices to you, when you are a parent!

But in principle, I think it's not terrible for your mum to tell you what she really thinks - I'd rather have an honest mum and a genuine relationship than a mum who mindlessly affirms everything I say for fear of causing offence.

Fwiw my name choices have received mixed reviews but I liked them do that's that.

I always get positive comments about her name from other people. My mum just occasionally says things like ‘it’s snooty’ or ‘I think she’d have suited Charlotte’ now but her comments at the time which were more colourful have kind of stuck in my head and I think took the shine off the name. However, I have no idea what I would have called her instead as her current name was the only name dh and I liked and could agree on. Choosing names is hard!

It's quite concerning how many of us on this thread have had the same experience - why would any parent feel like it's okay to criticise a baby's name?!

Had a similar experience with my mum. Told her two of our shortlisted names and she said she hated them both. I brushed it off until a couple of days later she sent me a meme about how one of the names was a dogs name... after a few hours calming down, I sent her a text and told her how it wasn't acceptable and it was our choice. While I appreciated she might not like it, I'd prefer if she kept her opinion to herself as it's not her child. Guess what? She hasn't spoken to me since and I'm now 39 weeks pregnant and she hasn't once checked up on me.

I did question our decision for a few days but ultimately this is mine and my husbands decision, and I wouldn't have chosen mine or my brothers names for my own child - times change but unfortunately some parents feel like they get to have a say. I am not messaging my mum until the baby arrives and if she says anything negative then that's it for me - it's not the time and it's completely selfish.

I would like to point out our shortlisted names are very normal and definitely up there in the top 50 names!

None of us need to know the name.

It's none of your mothers business and she's being REALLY insensitive. And I have a grandchild myself.

I feel if family can't tell you, then who can. Maybe you need to be told, but also if you go ahead with it anyway then she needs to get over it and never mention it again. Just coming from a different perspective of someone who didn't like my name

Not everyone has a kind supportive family.
I would take the advice of a friend any day over my mothe's opinion.

Friend or family. Either is good. I just think it's good to get other opinions for the sake of the child

I have a similar issue now. My baby was born in lockdown so we named him, but now so many people arr pronouncing his name incorrectly because of the spelling. I feel I have really screwed things up! And at lest if I had some feedback I could have made an informed decision

Ugh typos. Hope that made sense 😑

For balance we should remember that some mothers have terrible taste and give their babies horrendous names that will haunt them for the whole lives. Maybe this grandmother is trying to save their granddaughter from years of torment.

Yes yes yes. Exactly
stick with your choice. I bet she'll get used to it but who cares really
if you change to Matilda for eg, you'll find problems with it and resent your mum

Yes but we've already been told it's a top 100 name

This is all I mean, everyone is going nuts on here. There is the possibility it is a bad name! 🤷‍♀️

Maybe I'm being a cynic, but if it's so generic why doesn't OP just tell us then

I bet she’s not.
i bet the dm is used to telling her dd what to do and is overstepping.

I do think that since this is a top 100 name, it won't do any harm for the OP to tell us what it is.

It’s hard to get objective feedback for a name by just asking around. Fair enough if it’s something zany or obviously awful but if it’s a top 100 name it’s generally just your luck what tastes people have. I’m not against asking people around you but it can put you off a name you later regret not using.

My family didn’t like my favourite girls name Violet. It’s put me off slightly as I know they don’t like it. I have one family member who suggested Olivia as if it was an original choice and another when talking about boys names who say they like Kaiden. We just have different tastes so for me I don’t think there’s value in asking for opinions.

oh dear, your mum really needs to let it go! this sounds rubbish, sorry

It's a top 100 name. Some people on this thread will love it, some will hate it, as with all names. But that's irrelevant to the OP's annoying mother situation.

We know it’s not way out there.

As a mum the only critique I’d raise is if the new parents chose something with highly unfortunate connotations that they’re unaware of, say a well known murderer’s name if it was before their time or something like that. Even then I’d try and phrase it gently as something you might want to think about, not saying I hate it, or you can’t pick that.

After all names are rehabilitated and names pick up unfortunate associations all the time.

I think the only name I would grumble about, to
myself mind, would be Neveah. I loathe that name for reasons unknown.

If one of my dc name their children that…well I’d grumble and moan in the safety of my own home out of earshot, but plaster on a smile for them. It’s not my baby. Why should I get a say in what they name them?

You don’t need to know the name. It’s about her mother’s behaviour. How will loads of people saying, I like it, well I don’t, add anything helpful?

I was fully expecting a few raised eyebrows over my name choices for my DCs (they weren't made up names or yooneeeq or anything just a bit more...hipster than I would expect my parents and more conservative siblings to be comfortable with). However, because my family are all polite people they didn't bat an eyelid and either really liked the names or wisely realised it wasn't their place to say!

A few years down the line it's just....who these kids are. Honestly they just become their names. At the moment it's A Name and not really associated strongly with your (no doubt utterly delightful) anonymous little podge of a newborn. But pretty soon that name will become all the experiences and memories they have with that very loved child.

A friend of mine called her child a VERY 'out there' name. Like....really quite a weird name (I loved it but I was in the minority 😂). But honestly by the time her kid was 2 it was just 'X' and nobody who knew them really thought twice about their name because that child had become a proper person who consisted of so much more than just a name! The same will be true of your child and your mum will have to come round and learn to love it because she will love your child