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Original poster

DD hates her name and surname

379 replies

9thFloorNightmare · 25/01/2023 22:21

She is 15 now.

The pregnancy was so good, the only issue was finding a name!
I could not choose. It was agony.

One day, just before her birth, I woke up from a lovely afternoon nap, the TV was on and 1st thing I heard / saw was an ad of a product with a human and - the image of a lovely young girl (I didn't know the baby's sex). Right at that time I decided if she was a girl she would have that name.

It is an international (could be pretty much from a lot of different countries and cultures) short, simple, easy to spell, sounds good (to my ears) name. In hindsight I could have choses a middle name, but I jus't couldn't ;(

She hates it. Hates her surname too which is a traditional surname in the UK.

Any one dealing with the same at home?

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Original poster
9thFloorNightmare · 25/01/2023 22:46

madeyemoody · 25/01/2023 22:37

Someone did a thread like this a few days ago, wanted opinions but didn't name the name. Very confusing what they and you expect people to to reply to this with?

Not looking for name suggestions or opinions - just a discussion with people who has had that at home and how it panned out

Great for her she can change her name though, she can take ownership of that and not blame me

I am not mad about my name - never been but people absolutely love it or so they say - I just accept it is what it is - but then growing up in my home country, it is no easy to change unless your name is so ridiculous it impacts your live in a veery negative way

For example - 123 McDonald's 4

OP posts:
Penguinsaregreat · 25/01/2023 22:49

It’s difficult to give an pinion unless you answer the questions though.

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/01/2023 22:50

I think teenagers often don’t like their names - it’s part of the search for identify and separating themselves from their parents. They also often want what they haven’t got - whether that’s something that’s unique or something that doesn’t stand out.

Having said that, if she’s never liked it, I’d suggest she changes it when she leaves school. Suggest she starts to think about what she might change it to. She may well just come to terms with it.

Original poster
9thFloorNightmare · 25/01/2023 22:51

Penguinsaregreat · 25/01/2023 22:46

Is it Chloe?
When you say hates her surname is that your surname too? I’m just trying to work out if she hates her name because it’s different from yours which is understandable.Or if you have the same name is it something like Mycock or Shufflebottom? A name which children will make fun of. I think most teenagers want to fit in so if her friends are all called Ellie she might want to be called the same.
I wouldn’t change it though. What she liked now will not be what she likes in 10 years time.

Not Chloe

and her name is pretty acceptable and normal but not supper common - but people can never say they never heard of it

it is her dad's surname - I took the same upon marriage - so we could have the same but kept after divorce -

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 25/01/2023 22:52

In terms of personal experiences, when I was a teenager I hated my (very classic and inoffensive) name. To shut me up my mum told me I could choose my own middle names so I chose Penelope Petunia which were quite wild and unfashionable choices at the time. Nothing ever got added to my birth certificate which was a relief even a couple of years later as my tastes had changed.

SophieLaGeroff · 25/01/2023 22:52

9thFloorNightmare · 25/01/2023 22:40

yeah, something very like that but no Zs, Wz, Ys or Xs

since primary she creates nicknames for herself, I thought it was just kids' play, as a teen she started expressing she hates it

and no experience of unpleasant nicknames either - as far as I know

Show quote history

Rumplestiltskin?

LadyWithLapdog · 25/01/2023 22:54

Hi OP, I also named DD after a name I heard on TV during a sports programme. I was too big and heavy to even go in the other room to see who it was. I thought it sounded nice. Luckily, she loves it. The other DD’s name had been a favourite of both mine and DP’s for decades (independently of one another) and she’s grown to accept it in time.

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 25/01/2023 23:00

@SophieLaGeroff

Rumplestiltskin?

Genuinely laughing out loud at this.

Minimalme · 25/01/2023 23:02

I changed my first name and surname but kept my middle name.

My given name has very posh associations and I am no contact with the people who named me. Hearing my given name is such a trigger to remembering the childhood abusive I experienced, that I set myself free.

I have adapted really quickly. My sibling and friends find it really hard but make an effort which I'm grateful for.

I love my new name - in some ways it seems weird that we don't get to decide what other people call us!

mycatsanutter · 25/01/2023 23:07

15 year old girls hate a lot of things , she will be fine in a few weeks/months . Just tell her she can change it when she's 18

fairydust11 · 25/01/2023 23:09

Op from your description is the name Mia or Eva? Can it be shortened or lengthened to change it to something she may be happier with?

AuntSallie · 25/01/2023 23:11

Well, my DD did change her name by deed poll when she turned 18. She did it in secret because she was afraid how we would react. We had no idea she hated her name.

She changed her name so her middle name was her first name. She dropped my DHs surname and took my surname. She then chose her best friends names as her two middle names.

Coincidentally, the first name & last name are the same name my mother had.

Several friends have changed their names as well. It seems to be far more common with the current generation of teens/early twenty somethings than in recent memory.

Anyway, I found out when she was spending Christmas with us and her boyfriend posted her a letter. The post dropped on the mat, and I was shocked to see a letter addressed to my mum. My mum passed away over 20yrs ago and so it was a gut punch. I then noticed the stamps and realised, oh, my DD is going by this name. I took her the letter and that’s when she told me she’d legally had her name changed.

I was fine with it and after thought was secretly a bit chuffed that one of my DC is carrying my surname. (I kept my surname when we married). DH was upset at first because in his culture changing your surname is hugely disrespectful and usually only happens in extreme family splits. But he too thought more and was also fine with it.

HereIgoagainonmyown23 · 25/01/2023 23:12

Name changed for this..

But I hated my name growing up and I have a typical English name - Victoria. I didn't start truly embracing it until I became a mother in my late 20s. I think we all hate something about ourselves at that age.

lifeinthehills · 25/01/2023 23:14

Don't most people not like their name? I'm in my 40s and my name is something I've never been comfortable with. The long or short version both stink.

user06221 · 25/01/2023 23:17

This reminds me of when I was a teenager. I HATED my name, and came up with every nickname under the sun for people to call me. I also had a list of favourite names, and I was 100% sure I'd legally change my name when I was old enough. I didn't like my surname either but I would never have changed that.

By the time I got to 18, I wasn't fussed anymore. By the time I got to 25, I actually started loving my name, and still do to this very day. It's an old-fashioned name (probably popular back in the 50s or 60s, so not many people my own age have it, and I've never met anyone in person who has the same name as me. And I love my surname now too, to the point where I wouldn't want to drop it if/when I get married.

Honestly, this is most likely a phase and she'll be over it in a few years.

BreatheAndFocus · 25/01/2023 23:22

I think it’s just part of teenage angst. I became very self-conscious about my perfectly normal name. I used to cringe at school when they did the register. My friend hated her name and actually changed it (unofficially) but then changed it back a few months later.

Acknowledge her feelings but don’t indulge them. She’ll probably have forgotten about it soon, and if she doesn’t, she can change it as an adult.

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/01/2023 23:26

If you were to think of her name, would you conjure up in your mind a different kind of girl?

SilentRadical · 25/01/2023 23:43

Idk I went through a phase where I hated my very ordinary not offensive name for a few years. It really hurt my mothers feelings because she loved it. Now as an adult I really like it and my mother clearly put a lot of thought into it. It wasn’t so much that I actually hated the name but the truth is I really didn’t like myself at the time so I essentially hated everything tied to me. I was bullied really badly and the school and my parents quite frankly did nothing to help. Just a lot of repeat “Just ignore them and they’ll get bored.” Well I ignored them and they antagonized me further. I would then be punished by the teachers many times for reacting after I had been pushed to my breaking point. I really thought I just didn’t have a tough enough skin. If only I had enough self control. If only I said the right things… If only I was not me…

squigglypasta · 25/01/2023 23:46

Hope it's ok to say but I saw you're international based on another thread, she may well grow to love and appreciate her name as a link to your culture (and yet fairly international/generic too which was considerate of you) as an adult! That's what happened to me at least

Devpatelslaughingeyes · 25/01/2023 23:48

Oh OP, you may have to accept that she may never like it. I have hated mine with a passion since I was a child. It’s very ordinary, nothing outrageous, but it is just not me and I loathe it. I’ve never been comfortable with it. A poster upthread said just tell her to get on with it, basically like it or lump it, and I have to tell you that is very bad advice. That was what was said to me and I was never brave enough to change it. I tried using my middle name but was shot down when people were told ‘that’s not her name’ and I was made to feel a liar. I’m 76 and am still not comfortable with the name I have been saddled with. It hasn’t grown on me and never will. It is the one thing in my life that I bitterly regret. Names have an important impact on how we see ourselves. Mine is ugly and that is how I see myself because of it. It is difficult to describe how the wrong name can impact on your life.

We label our children when we give them names. As much as we might like the name we have to remember that it is our choice not theirs. If she really dislikes her name then let her choose one for herself that she is happy with, one that she is comfortable to live with, and makes her feel good about herself. Maybe you could choose a nice one together. Please don’t be upset that she doesn’t like something that was basically your choice and not hers.

I have a good life and I am very happy but if I had my time over the one thing I would change is the crappy name that my parents saddled me with.

squigglypasta · 25/01/2023 23:49

As for surname, I wouldn't necessarily tell her this now, but the good thing about being a woman in the UK is it can be changed by marriage! In my culture the woman doesn't take the man's surname, but as your DD grew up here, it's a fairly fuss free solution (although if/by the time marriage ever comes round the surname might have grown on her)

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/01/2023 00:04

Personally don't think anyone can hate their name as it's what you've known all your life- unless it becomes one that's universally disliked all of a sudden- think, Karen or you share a name with someone notorious at the time etc.

Said by someone clearly not saddled by a stupid name…

I detested my name for as long as I could remember. Changed it at 14 when I moved school (thankfully my grandparents totally understood my hatred of it).

@9thFloorNightmare Your DD can change her name and if she does that please do support her.

My relationship with a couple of relatives never really recovered after their abject refusal to accept my name change. They didn’t understand it therefore just would never accept it.

whynotwhatknot · 26/01/2023 00:14

i cringe when i hear my full name -i shortened it so its bearable

she can change it when shes 18

UselessExLondoner · 26/01/2023 00:33

Is it Riley? I know both a boy and a girl called Riley. They both hate it!

I like their names.

Proper hated my name (not Riley) and changed it formally when I was 20!

TheOriginalEmu · 26/01/2023 00:40

Dalooah · 25/01/2023 22:29

But to be more helpful, I had a cousin who hated her name. But it was a lot more than that- it wasn't actually her name she hated but who she thought her name represented- ie: herself- for being overweight, etc etc and she resented her parents for giving her a name because she didn't like the fact she was overweight. Took years to unpack but her name is perfectly lovely.

Personally don't think anyone can hate their name as it's what you've known all your life- unless it becomes one that's universally disliked all of a sudden- think, Karen or you share a name with someone notorious at the time etc.

I think there might be more going on with DD. Possibly she doesn't like the 'story' behind her name?

Of course a person can hate their name, I did. I refused to answer to it even as a tiny child. I was teased about it at school. I was known by a nickname my whole childhood that I hated because of it and begged to be allowed to change my name, I was told no. On my 18th birthday I filled in my deedpoll application. That was 25 years ago and I’ve never regretted it.

@9thFloorNightmare let her choose a new name. Even if it’s just a nickname for now. She may revert back to her name later if it’s a phase and you’ve lost nothing, or she might be like me and still harbour a resentment because I was forced into this name that just didn’t fit me.