Partner told baby name without my agreement

[redbigbananafeet]

Pregnant with our first child. All boys on his side of family so from get go it's been "it'll be a boy" with little excitement. I felt like the constant near disappointed comments were worse than them just knowing even though I'd rather have kept the secret til the birth. These comments have been made so much and gran wants to get knitting so last night after a few weeks of having the secret to ourselves we decided to tell his family - he's it's a boy to no reaction (no smiles or anything. However he then kept speaking "and were calling him_". This was met with "oh, that's nice" and what's wrong with the name "insert alternative family name" I held it together but we left shortly afterwards.

I am absolutely devastated. Both by the lack of excitement because it's a boy but also that the one remaining intimate secret was let out the bag. It feels like such a violation of trust and intimacy. I'm not sure how to get over it and to het my feeling of excitement back.

Firstly, it’s their son’s sperm that decides the sex, so don’t take their despondence personally! Their rudeness says far more about them than you. How appalling of them to dampen your excitement about your first baby, with their own feelings about his gender. They will be the first to show your beautiful bubba off when he is born!
Secondly, I wholeheartedly concur that he was wrong to share the name, when you had both agreed to keep that between you. Why don’t you keep looking at names and maybe you will find a new one which you can talk about on the labour ward!
Also, when you are discussing private matters in the future, you needs to make him completely aware that you trust him to keep the conversation between the two of you. Managing your trust of him is so important.
I bet you can’t wait to meet your baby boy! Try to focus on this and accept what has passed, hard as that is. Ruminating never did anyone any favours, however unjust the situation.

I felt like this when I was pregnant, and it was linked to a wider issue. It sounds like yours could be too (family sucking excitement). Maybe just distance yourself from his family for the pregnancy? Focus on your family and friends?

Thank you, solid advice x

I think you're very right. If the slip up had been followed by happy, excited comments I dont think I'd mind so much x

I think there's also an underlying current of 'we're so manly we only make boys' from the men of the family (my partner excluded) which is pissing me off.

My mil was not happy when we told her about our planned pregnancy (we were married, good jobs, stable etc etc). I found it very hurtful and it put a dampener on the rest of the pregnancy.

When you're pregnant and excited, it feels so personal when other people see your baby in anything other than the positive light that you do. I really do understand that. I also get that sad sense of not being in control and have given certain things that you hold dear, away. At the time, it can feel like the experience has been tarnished. It's not reasonable, nor actually important in reality, but it can sting so, so much at the time.

I imagine that your husband feels upset and embarrassed and he was just desperate to generate a little positivity from his family. It must have really hurt for his own family to disregard his own baby like this. I know my own husband was very hurt and upset with his mother and made her apologise to me for her initial (horrible) reaction. She was actually very remorseful and cried when she said sorry. That baby is now 5 and a delight in all of our lives. I know mil feels mortified to this day.

You will have a lifetime of beautiful and special moments with your baby, many 'firsts' (for you both) and nothing will compare to getting to know your son. Without getting too sentimental, holding, smelling, looking at, squeezing and kissing that little human will put everything into perspective perspective the time arrives. As you watch him grow, develop, reach his milestones and become his own person, this will be a distant memory, for everyone! Just wait!

When your child arrives you will realise there is more to life than getting upset over something like this

Fuss over nothing sorry, also Of course there wont be excitement if he has a family of boys and they already expected itll be a boy. theyve basically already known since you told them you were pregnant, not exactly a suprise.

This ^^

Honestly, it's lovely to have a new addition the family but you're massively overthinking it all.

The main thing is that you and your partner are thrilled, but you can't expect the same level of excitement from everyone else, no matter what sex the child is.

Ah that's really sad Op.

It's not about them getting the GD that they want it's about them being happy for you for becoming parents.

When I was pregnant with my first my mum wanted a boy as she had a GD & Mil wanted a boy as she had only had one son & "didn't know what to do with girls"🙄

I did wonder if anyone gave a fuck about us!

the one remaining intimate secret was let out the bag. It feels like such a violation of trust and intimacy.

You're being completely OTT ridiculous.

You seem torn between wanting to keep everything to yourself so it's "intimate", and wanting people to be really excited, which is a little contradictory. If they are not that excited about the baby then that will allow for a very intimate newborn experience, which on paper sounds like it should make you happy but it sounds like you would be disappointed with that too.

I get it, not much happens during pregnancy and it's a long wait, so you hype everything into a big thing. But the reality is the pregnancy isn't actually as full of special moments as once the baby is born - those are the key moments. In terms of intimacy during pregnancy, surely you have every evening talking about the future, feeling the kicks when they start etc? Knowing that it's a boy and what his name will be isn't really the special thing you're making it out to be.

I do understand it's hard when people seem negative, but honestly at least it's just his family. You can focus on yours.

I didn't want anyone to be excited because I didn't want to bloody tell them!

My advice would be to just ignore any comments from your in-laws or negative feelings. It’s your first baby, such an exciting time. Just block it all out and enjoy the pregnancy and getting things ready for your gorgeous little boy.
Your husband may have told them the name in an effort to get them more enthusiastic. Who cares if they know the name, it doesn’t change anything in your world or with your little family. Focus on what’s important.

Thanks, I think you're absolutely right. My feelings are valid, we've had a good chat and a bit of a greet from me this afternoon, but I have to get over it and not let it spoil our time together during this much wanted pregnancy. As someone said, it's prob less to do with the name and more the reaction and other issues (not to get into it or drip feed but partners job takes him abroad so isn't here for the scans and kicks and will be away for two months before the biathlon coming back 10 days before due date). Onwards and upwards and thank you for those supportive comments and also those that told me to give myself a shake and reminded by self to be thankful for what I have! X

I mean this in the nicest possible way but nobody gives a damn what you name your baby apart from you.

I am absolutely devastated

If this is the most devastating thing that will happen in your pregnancy, you’re very privileged and should focus on getting some perspective.

I didn't want anyone to be excited because I didn't want to bloody tell them!

Yes, but you're also hurt and disappointed that they aren't excited.

Nobody will be that bothered TBH. you’re over thinking it.

Honestly, I think it's better it happened this way and not when the baby is born as at least now you've a chance to process all the crappiness and get it over and done with instead of dealing with the disappointment when the baby is here and you're already overwhelmed...
The precious moments will be many when baby arrives so don't feel you've missed out on intimacy.
Sounds like they're going to be horrible no matter what so drop all your expectations now and don't hold out any hope they'll change!

You are over-reacting - hormones and tiredness I expect.

People are mostly not that excited by other people’s babies, and if there have been a lot of grandkids already it’s going to be a bit dilute.

Did he really know he wasn’t supposed to tell them the name? If he did then yes I’d be annoyed, but just from the risk of a load of opinions I didn’t want. It doesn’t sound like they’re doing that.

Take some time to chill today.

However he then kept speaking "and were calling him_". This was met with "oh, that's nice" and what's wrong with the name "insert alternative family name"

Surely their reaction to the name reveal shows it's not something they're particularly excited about. With multiple grandchildren I'm not surprised they're not getting over excited by a name.

So really your DP shared a secret detail that nobody else was bothered about knowing in the first place

I didn’t tell anyone else until they were born because I didn’t want to hear peoples opinions. And they’re far less likely to give one after the baby is born than before.

Most people aren't massively excited about a family member having a baby. It's lovely for the couple but I don't know what you expect from them? As for the name surely it's as much his baby as it is yours.

I'm saddened to hear that in your experience it's normal for a grandparent not to be excited about the birth of their grandchild. That's thankfully not my previous experience. Best of luck.