Partner told baby name without my agreement

[redbigbananafeet]

Pregnant with our first child. All boys on his side of family so from get go it's been "it'll be a boy" with little excitement. I felt like the constant near disappointed comments were worse than them just knowing even though I'd rather have kept the secret til the birth. These comments have been made so much and gran wants to get knitting so last night after a few weeks of having the secret to ourselves we decided to tell his family - he's it's a boy to no reaction (no smiles or anything. However he then kept speaking "and were calling him_". This was met with "oh, that's nice" and what's wrong with the name "insert alternative family name" I held it together but we left shortly afterwards.

I am absolutely devastated. Both by the lack of excitement because it's a boy but also that the one remaining intimate secret was let out the bag. It feels like such a violation of trust and intimacy. I'm not sure how to get over it and to het my feeling of excitement back.

Did you make it clear to him you wanted to keep it secret? A lot of people don't so he is unlikely to have realised it was an issue for you.

PFB. Don’t sweat it, it’s really not a big thing. Your hormones are messing with your perception of what matters.

Did you discuss beforehand whether to tell them the name? I mean, did he just do it without thinking it was a big deal, or did he know that it would upset you? I wouldn't view it as an intimate secret, maybe your partner doesn't either and didnt realise how you felt? Obviously if you'd agreed not to say the name that's different. But maybe he was trying to get his family to show some interest.

I'm not sure how to get over it and to het my feeling of excitement back.

Kindly, I think this is an overreaction. You were excited because you're having a baby! That is exciting and that hasn't changed. I understand you're upset but wider family knowing the name shouldn't take away from the excitement of having a baby.

It's a joint decision, surely? It's his child as much as yours.... isn't it???

Joint decision means an agreement,no? Yes we'd agreed to tell the sex so she could knit and 'get over' the fact it was not a girl.

Had you told him beforehand that you wanted the name to be kept a secret?

Expect he didn't realise it was a secret. He was probably mortified at the lack of excitement and trying to fill the space.

It is disappointing that name announced when you weren't ready but i wouldnt be annoyed at dp he is probably hurt by family reaction too. I would mention you would rather not tell anyone else (if that is the case).

Why do you want to keep the name a secret? It seems an odd thing to get upset about. Nobody is as invested in your pregnancy as you are. It's nice to hear what people want to call their baby but it's not earth shattering news.

I think you need to get a bit of perspective here. This whole ‘let’s keep the baby’s name secret’ thing is really silly. Why? What purpose does it serve? I’ve had 2 babies. Both times we’ve had a few names but didn’t decide until they were born. People knew our choices, and we announced the final name when we announced the birth.
Your DH is perfectly entitled to tell his gran the name of his forthcoming child if that’s what he wants to do.

Yea agree with this.

I respectfully disagree. I think that divulging information such as the babies sex or name is a joint decision.

For the same reason as some people keep the sex a secret or decide not to find out.

You can still be excited for the birth of your baby- that is what it is all about, really

You're not answering people asking if you had agreed not to share the name? Did he actually know you wanted the name to be a secret?

My in laws couldn't give less of a toss about DC2 arriving, don't want to know the sex, never ask anything

But that doesn't matter to me and your in laws opinion shouldn't matter to you either! You can still be excited

When you are awaiting the arrival of your baby there is a lot of time to dwell on little things like this and they end up becoming more important in your head.

You can disagree all you like, it appears your partner doesn't agree, I say the arrival of the baby is the most important thing.

Good grief what a fuss over nothing. You clearly knew the reaction to the sex (and therefore the name too) would be muted, so what’s the beef here? You seem to be trying to create drama. They’re evidently a miserable crowd so just suck it up.

If you'd both agreed to keep the name a secret then it's disappointing that he shared it.

But all the talk of not being sure how you'll get the feeling of excitement back is a bit dramatic. If your excitement about having a baby is gone because someone else knows the name, you're likely setting yourself up to have a bumpy road.

Her refusal to answer this makes it clear to me that she in fact did not tell him not to, but expected him to be a mindreader and is not upset over something that is actually her own fault...

I agree its something which each of you should check with the other before divulging.

Honestly I think its madness to divulge either sex or names before the birth - its not necessary and at best it leads to gendered assumptions being made for the child before its even born.

However the cat is out the bag now so whilst its frustrating, just ignore them and look forward to the baby and make sure the two of you are aligned in the future. Are you family a bit more enthusiastic?

There's lots of things to get upset about but someone telling a family what they are going to name the baby isnt one if them!
I cant understand your angst about this
It's just a name.🤷‍♀️

I think you need to get a bit of perspective here. This whole ‘let’s keep the baby’s name secret’ thing is really silly. Why? What purpose does it serve? I’ve had 2 babies
Totally agree with this.

Yes, sorry yes we'd agreed to keep the name to ourselves.

But it wouldn't be a 'joint decision' to not tell, it would be what you wanted to happen not him.
Agree with pp that this is hormones (I know as there myself just now, was in floods of tears watching Rambo last night!)

Did he know he wasn't supposed to tell the name?