Partner told baby name without my agreement

[redbigbananafeet]

Pregnant with our first child. All boys on his side of family so from get go it's been "it'll be a boy" with little excitement. I felt like the constant near disappointed comments were worse than them just knowing even though I'd rather have kept the secret til the birth. These comments have been made so much and gran wants to get knitting so last night after a few weeks of having the secret to ourselves we decided to tell his family - he's it's a boy to no reaction (no smiles or anything. However he then kept speaking "and were calling him_". This was met with "oh, that's nice" and what's wrong with the name "insert alternative family name" I held it together but we left shortly afterwards.

I am absolutely devastated. Both by the lack of excitement because it's a boy but also that the one remaining intimate secret was let out the bag. It feels like such a violation of trust and intimacy. I'm not sure how to get over it and to het my feeling of excitement back.

Most people aren't massively excited about a family member having a baby. It's lovely for the couple but I don't know what you expect from them?

Especially if that alto have several grandchildren. I'm sure they're happy, but excited?

already (not alto)

@redbigbananafeet

I was in a slightly different situation, with a MIL who wasn't the least interested in granddaughters.

After having DD1 I had three MCs, and exMIL's response was not to worry, she was sure I'd have a boy eventually. She sent DD a present of a jacket that was very much designed for a boy (brown/ blue colours).

When DS was born she sobbed for joy. It was really unseemly given the subdued reaction to the birth of baby girls in the family. At that point I would have been happy to give birth to a full term puppy.

You have very odd ILs, and I suspect your H was trying to make the announcement a bit more special than it would have been otherwise, for your sake and for his too. I'd forgive him if I were you. I suspect he was trying to drum up a little excitement. Sorry it backfired. Nobody should have to work hard to get their family excited about the arrival of a baby.

Fwiw, I'd be thankful that you're having a boy. ExMIL's favouritism wasn't pleasant, either for the discounted granddaughters or the favoured fee boys. We were lucky we lived a day away by car.

Anyone disappointed in your child should be removed from their lives as much as possible

Thank you. I'm sorry you went through a similar situation. Thanks for understanding and not making me feel like a drama lama. I very much suspect he was doing exactly as you said and got carried away hyping up. We've had a good chat today and although I don't think he gets why I was quite so upset he was upset that he'd upset me. He assured me his family is happy but they don't show it how I'm used to. All forgiven and we'll move forward and look forward to telling my parents next weekend - I'm sure there will be much joy shared. I send much love to you and yours.

My mum's reaction to my sister and I announcing our pregnancies was on the same scale as telling her we had just done the weekly shop. At least my sister led the way so I knew to lower my expectations of reaction.

I can understand why you wanted to hold back the details of the name- but I can also see how your partner could get wound up in the moment.

You child isnt 'just another boy'. He is your lovely baby boy.

I wish you well for the rest of your pregnancy.

From how you describe things I can see how the awkward silence led to your husband just coming out with it to try get them excited. I wouldn’t be too harsh with him.

I think you’re being OTT with your language. Loss of intimacy and devastation are quite extreme for just sharing a name.

Also I’m surprised at people saying keeping the name private is silly as usually on threads where someone has shared the name the main advice is that it’s not a good idea to share the name until the baby comes.

This is clearly a big deal to you OP, so for that your husband was wrong to share something you’d agreed to keep private. On the other hand; your babies name isn’t an intimate detail. You’ve found out the sex and named the child, the only surprise at the birth will be his weight.

His name will only be such a big deal to you and your DH. Don’t let it get to you too much OP.

I can see i’m in the minority here but I would definitely be upset too. You’re on a really special journey for the first time and you wanted the name to be secret between you for a bit longer and have a reveal when baby is here. That’s not trivial or silly, it’s your prerogative as mum to be, the baby is still living in your body!

I think allow yourself to be hacked off about it , draw a line, then maybe choose something lovely to focus on, like planning your hospital bag or baby’s first outfit

@Soontobe60 Alot of people don't want to share baby's name before they're born because people might judge and try to persuade the couple not to use the name (which is what happened to OP).
I haven't told anyone my baby's name in case they're rude about it. Easier when baby is here.

I think you're being a bit ott. Losing excitement because grandparents know a potential name of their grandchild. Really? Pregnancy hormones can't half make people irrational and hopefully you will look back and realise that in a few months time when you're holding your precious baby. None of this matters at all. I've never understood this whole withholding information to try and make it seem exclusive and special. It already is something special. You're having a baby! You don't need to try and create intrigue and drama by keeping the name secret like it matters to other people.

We never told anybody our babies name before he was born, if asked we gave a few options of what it could be and everyone soon moved on. Not because we thought it was a precious secret, but because it really didn't concern anybody but us and we just wanted a healthy baby in our arms. No ridiculous drama created over names or gender reveals.

They didn’t try and persuade her at all. OP said they said “oh that’s nice” and then also mentioned a relatives name. It’s hardly trying to persuade her.

@4thonthe4th Saying "what about this name instead?" when the parents have already chosen a name - I would say that's trying to persuade her.

It feels like such a violation of trust and intimacy

I think you're massively over-reacting. It really doesn't matter about them knowing. The family aren't excited? The baby isn't here yet, so perhaps they'll show more interest when he's born. Don't let something like this spoil your relationship.

It’s a suggestion.

@4thonthe4th Why would they need a suggestion when they've already chosen a name?

Op I'm in the same spot and I'm f ing raging with my ignorant husband. I'm disappointed that I don't get a suprise, have to lie to everyone and I'm also disappointed its a boy that I won't get to imagine it being a girl. He had no right to do that

Hey you don’t need anyone else’s excitement but yours!
your first baby!
congratulations 🎉
I been trying for a 2nd child for years ! I’m excited for you if that helps
his family sound sullen and rude, ignore them!! Who wants that bad attitude around your baby anyway
This is your baby boy, it’s not the same child as the other boys !
you start getting your bits together- that’s the exciting part ! What do your family say?

Maybe not so much not excited but just reacted like they already knew. They are so used to boys that they expected nothing else. A supreme confidence in their own detective work.
The name conversation is your partner's fault.
And the others in the room would have seen your discomfort.
They will love the baby when he arrives and all names grow on people.

I would be upset too- I think until babies here this could change and it's nice to have something just together so you announce the babies born and name together.

I'll be honest I'd be inclined to change it.