Partner told baby name without my agreement

[redbigbananafeet]

Pregnant with our first child. All boys on his side of family so from get go it's been "it'll be a boy" with little excitement. I felt like the constant near disappointed comments were worse than them just knowing even though I'd rather have kept the secret til the birth. These comments have been made so much and gran wants to get knitting so last night after a few weeks of having the secret to ourselves we decided to tell his family - he's it's a boy to no reaction (no smiles or anything. However he then kept speaking "and were calling him_". This was met with "oh, that's nice" and what's wrong with the name "insert alternative family name" I held it together but we left shortly afterwards.

I am absolutely devastated. Both by the lack of excitement because it's a boy but also that the one remaining intimate secret was let out the bag. It feels like such a violation of trust and intimacy. I'm not sure how to get over it and to het my feeling of excitement back.

People have babies all the time. It’s exciting to you and that’s enough. If you stop expecting a particular reaction from other people, then you won’t be disappointed if they react differently.

Seriously, don’t ruin this lovely time for you and your partner by making up things to be cross about.

Aw, @redbigbananafeet. If it helps at all, you can’t win by this type of person. DHs parents don’t have any other grandchildren and DH is an only child, so they wanted a girl “so his mum finally got one”. We didn’t find out, they sulked the whole way through pregnancy. We went to meet them as soon as we were allowed to leave hospital; to give them a cuddle… Told them his name, they didn’t like it. For the next three meets, they asked if we were sure that was his name, why couldn’t his name be “X”, were we really sure…

At least you’ll hopefully have stopped that!

We had a boys name sorted for DS (and a huge long list of girls names as didn’t know the sex). When he was born we decided he didn’t suit the name so chose a different name that had never come up in our discussions.

You may think this is a big thing but just wait until you have your baby in your arms and it will no longer matter.

Their lack of enthusiasm for another boy will hopefully change after he is born, but if it doesn’t at least you won’t have overbearing ILs

Oh no I'm sorry to hear that. That open hostility is even worse than the lack of interact this end. Thanks for understanding. The 'get over yourself comments' aren't very helpful. I precious poster asked if my parents were happy. We haven't told them yet as waiting til we both see them together. My brothers only child is a boy and when I've previously said (before the 20 week scan) I was concerned about sex disappointment they replied "how could anyone be disappointed in a baby".

Thank you, that's a positive way to look at it.

I imagine he was trying to fill a gap and get his family more excited about the baby. I can imagine doing that myself.

You not being excited about the baby now is a bit over the top though!

We had this with dc2 (dc1 we didn't find sex or discuss names).

We were thinking of names for dc2 and dh told PIL of a name we were thinking of. PIL kept calling baby a nickname of that name and it was enough to put me off so we called him something else!

I was mildly annoyed about it but I think your response is a bit precious. Just tell them you'll decide the name finally when DC is born. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter.

Congratulations OP!

We didn’t want to know the sex of our Dc before birth, and didn’t share names either. The names thing largely to avoid everyone’s opinions and possible disapproval and counter suggestions. How many threads on MN about ‘we chose xxx name but now parents / ILs saying they don’t like it’?

Also babies do not need pink or blue clothing and even if we had known the sex I would have kept it private to stop the tide of pink and blue that would have built up.

I would have suggested granny knit in white, cream, red, yellow etc!

Anyway, I am sorry your ILs are being so horrible because they aren’t getting a girl. You are mad at your DH, but maybe find a time to say to his Mum that the lack of reaction made you feel sad and as if they are viewing you as someone to breed them a girl. To me, this is the real upset in the whole scenario

I can understand how you would feel they don’t deserve to know his name if they can’t even be excited about his birth.

Each child is an individual child and deserves to be celebrated.

I don't think I've ever been overly enthusiastic about anybodys gender reveal, even when it was the first baby in the family. Still have to wait months to meet the little one so it just went over my head. When they meet him they'll be happier! ❤️

Thank you for this. I've already sent a long list of wool colours and politely pointed out i am
avoiding bay oink and blue - shes an excellent knitter. i think we agreed to tell
them the sex because I was fed up
with the 'we know its going to be a boy anyway' comments being said in a fed up/disappointed tone and thought if the just knew then thats that over with. we had said we'd tell my folks if they want to know out of fairness.

I'd have kept it all secret if i'd had my choice. i think because we missed out on the 12 weeks of only us knowing (my mum accompanied me to scans as i bled and partner way abroad) we've missed out on those 'just us, intimate things' he was only here for 20 week scan. this felt like a just us thing finally and i feel that intimacy was taken away without my consent.

thanks again x

The thing is, I wouldn't have told them if they hadn't made it a negative. I didn't want a 'reveal' with a mass excitement. I just wanted the negativity to stop.

@redbigbananafeet ah yes sorry, I understand now! That is frustrating. Also frustrating that your DH told the name. Could ye back track and get him to say "actually we've come across another name we kind of like so we aren't fully sure yet" just to get them to stop on about the name?

Tbh I found pregnancy to be a very negative time. I loved it but everyone around me was filled with negativity in one way or another. It was awful and I had to stop talking to people about it and just discuss it with my DP or people I knew wouldn't be negative.

With the greatest respect I think you had a perfect image in your head of how you expected things to go and ate disappointed they aren't up to your expectations.

In reality it never ever goes the way you expect and you just need to roll with it, no point in trying to place blame.

I know you are disappointed about having to take your mum to scans, but I would have loved to have mine there. It was covid, I had a bleed, I had to go to the scan myself, I was lucky that I got good news, the woman in front of me didn't and she got that bad news all by herself.

Focus on the nice things you can plan for now and enjoy the beautiful firsts you have with your baby when he gets here.

I am absolutely devastated. Both by the lack of excitement because it's a boy but also that the one remaining intimate secret was let out the bag.

Why would you expect others to be 'excited'? It's your baby so as long as you're excited, that's what matters.

Regarding the name, I personally don't regard that as an intimate secret, so perhaps your dh didn't either?

Keeping the sex a secret and not finding out are completely different. If you hadn’t found out then the name still could have been disclosed the only difference is that you would have had a girls name also. You could always agree on another name completely. Throughout the pregnancy my nephew was going to be named Alex(ander) and when he arrived they called him Edward.
As for the family not being excited because it’s another boy, that’s horrible and I would have to question them on why they’re reacting in such a thoughtless way. Regardless of how many boys there are it’s your first.

I understand it's but very nice to have the whole "oh it's another boy thing" as that happened to me - I don't think him saying the name js the most awful thing though? Maybe it's just the whole thing being a bit of a let down with their reaction.

It's not about the name, is it?

Wanting to have some ‘just us’ moments is fair enough especially the first time around so I don’t really understand the negative comments. Pregnancy hormones might have a part to play but it’s how you feel and you can’t help them.
My advice would be that it doesn’t sound like you can do anything to please these ILs they are obviously so used to children (boys) arriving they’ve forgotten how special a first baby is to you.
Don’t spoil your pregnancy rowing with DH about it and spend time with people who have the emotional intelligence to act excited and be supportive to you.
Being a Mum to a Boy is awesome by the way and it’s your bond that will matter the most

I've previously said (before the 20 week scan) I was concerned about sex disappointment they replied "how could anyone be disappointed in a baby".

You seem like you’re looking for attention, and looking for things to have conflict about. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, your pregnancy hormones are clouding your judgment of reasonable behaviour.

Enjoy your baby boy. Call him what you like. Don’t expect others around you to be as excited as you are.

He shouldn't have told them if he agreed not to, however it sounds like he added in the name to prompt a more excited reaction because he noticed they barely reacteed to the news it was a boy? Maybe he noticed the underwhelming response and knew you'd be hurt by it so tried to evoke a better reaction by adding the news in (wrongly) assuming you'd be happy with it under the circumstances?

I wouldn't necessarily see it as a violation of trust and intimacy, however you have every right to be angry about it as he shouldn't have said it.

Excellent advice x

It’s his child too, he’s excited.

Had you agreed not to disclose?

I dont expect anyone to be as excited as me (us). But what I do expect is those around me to have enough respect and decorum to not display disappointment.

Yes

In which case, you’re not being unreasonable.

Congratulations. Hope all goes well.