My mum's campaign against girl's name

[batteriesgoing]

Name change as outing. Wasn't sure if I should post here or aibu but I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant. Dh and I have really struggled to choose a name we both like and finally came up with one we can agree on.I'm very close to my mother and she has helped me a lot over the years but she seems to think this means she gets a big input into naming the baby. I didn't want to tell her the name we have picked as I knew she wouldn't like it as it was my second choice when I was pregnant last time and she vetoed it then. I told her I didn't want to talk about it and she went into a mood for about a week, being short with me on the phone and saying how hurt she was that she wasn't being included but she knew dh had mentioned Ed it to his parents ( his parents are not as interested so not so much of a big deal). Anyway, I eventually gave in and told her the name and since then she had waged a campaign against his name. Ridiculing it and basically saying it's horrible. Telling my dd to tell me how horrible it is. I've been ignoring and changing the subject but then this morning I feel she's gone too far. She is getting a dog and said she's going to call the dog the name so I can't use it. Wtf? I actually believe she will do this. Honestly I'm angry with her at this point. It's not a weird name or anything like that and I don't think it deserves all this hate. My sister had also joined in with this and had started making fun of it in every conversation we have. Anyone else experiencing high pressure from extended family about names?

[quote batteriesgoing]@Heffalooomia I think this is part of the problem. I've had a lot of emotional support and she babysat when I was working with my dd. We've moved away when we got married and she just visits now. It's difficult. [/quote]
She wants you all to herself and she feels as if you owe her for all the support she gave you.
I can understand why someone might feel like this, but in my case I am very careful to keep firmly in mind that I want my children to pay it forward not pay it back, they do not owe me anything.
when I look at my parents generation I can see that they were differently minded to me I was born in their debt and expect me to be unconditionally loyal to them
(they can whistle 😶)

@purpledaisychain yip I never understood her logic !

Just WOW OP, as others have said I would pull right back and minimise contact. Fast forward 30 years or so, could you ever imagine doing this to your child? Well then.......good luck x

@Heffalooomia I do feel a bit like I owe her but at the same time I do want to choose my own baby's name and I want it to be something my husband likes.

Imo it's not worth the verbal fisticuffs that your mum is trying to start.

Would just say "Ok, we're calling her (random name) instead", and then just name your baby what you actually want when she's here.

If she's still a bitch about it then, block her number and put her in a time out. Do the same to any one she sends as flying monkeys.

Look her in the eye and tell her she is hurting you. And your sister.

Tell her if she carries on, it won't be a problem because she'll not be seeing either child.
(Whether or not you mean it. It's just to pull her up a bit!)

Also point out she named her own children. This is your turn and she needs to respect that.

Also my mum is notoriously bad at choosing baby names. My sister and I have virtually the same name ( think Clara and Clare). My brother isn't called by the name that's on his birth certificate because she changed her mind on it later and christened him something else. Really she's not great at this

I read this type of thread here regularly and I am always horrified. My parents had ten grandchildren and I'm pretty sure they weren't that keen on about 8 of the names that my siblings and I chose and one of them they actively hated to the point where they found it offensive and hurtful as a choice of name. But, whilst their true feelings very occasionally were hinted at accidentally, they made a point of keeping their mouths shut and concentrating on the actual child in front of them.

Having said that, I'm also always surprised by people discussing their choice of name with parents or siblings before actually naming the child because to because it seems to give them the idea that their input is welcome.

[quote batteriesgoing]@Heffalooomia I do feel a bit like I owe her but at the same time I do want to choose my own baby's name and I want it to be something my husband likes. [/quote]
You don't owe her, just be firm, have firm boundaries

Just say to her you dont want to mention it again and dont.I think she is massively overinvested in a name ! Was she planning on using it for the dog do you think? Anyway no problem lots of people use the same name for dogs its no big deal IMO!

Remove yourself from the situation whenever she mentions it. Put the phone down, leave the room, whatever.

She is trying to exert her power here, probably because she feels insecure now that you've moved away, don't let her.

If you ever have another, do not under any circumstances tell her your choice of name till the baby is born!!!!!

A lady I know called her dog by a human name (quite cool boys name) which happens to also be my DS name as well. She named him after the guy arranging rescue trips from abroad for neglected dogs. So even if she wants the name for the new dog you can still use it you know!

OP my ds2 name is a bit out there and my dm responded with "your calling him that?"
My reply was yes and if nanny doesnt like it nanny doesnt have to see him.
Soon shut her up.

Im sorry but what awful people. Regardless of the fact that she brought you up as single parent etc (as lots do!!) and support you (as she bloody well should) she’s being an absolute controlling bitch now trying to bully you into doing what she wants. I doubt this is the only time she’s ever done this. I’m sorry you’ve got to deal with it. Worth lookinG into getting some counselling at some point as it feels like you’re minimising quite a bit...

You’ll have to be very firm with her, this is nothing to do with her and it’s your baby

OP I think you've previous been too close to this to see how toxic your DM is. She VETOED the name during your last pregnancy?

Really this isn't normal. No you don't owe her.

Ignore her, OP. Don't invite her over and leave the conversation, whichever medium you're having it by, immediately as soon as she starts.

My friend had this so she said to her Mum "well it's either that or DH wants to use MIL's name and use the other name as a middle name"
Her Mum soon changed her mind.

To me, telling your daughter to tell you how horrible it is seems worse than her threat to get a dog and give it the same name.
So much anger!
It's not really about the name. It's just a handy way to let rip.
Obviously your sister isn't helping.

Next time your mother launches into a tantrum about the name, ignore anything hurtful and cut in and ask her, "Mum, how are you? Are you all right?"
And see how she responds. And block her with that the next time too.

Just say “ok” whenever she brings it up and change the subject. Don’t engage at all. If she says she’ll name the dog the name say ok and move on. Don’t give her the emotional reaction she is looking for.

Your DM is completely out of order, fair enough not to like the name but to get your DD involved and now your sister is shocking. You need to put some boundaries down as your too emeshed. Your so passive in your OP and apart from being a bit annoyed dont seem to be understanding that she is your mum not your DH.

I suppose this is why people keep baby names so secret isn't it . Names are very generational aren't they ? There's been grandchild names I'm not keen on - although I would never dream of saying so . But you do get used to them and even grow to live them because obviously you associate them with the child and that's what your mum will have to do . I wouldn't ever tell her one in future though!

I would tell her you've changed your mind and say a name you think she might like. She then won't call her dog it then just revert back to the original name you like when your baby is born

@Soozikinzii it's really not a modern or even really old fashioned name. It's just a pretty feminine name. Not outlandish or weird. Not in the top 100 though I've looked up threads on here with the same name and it's pretty well liked.