My mum's campaign against girl's name

[batteriesgoing]

Name change as outing. Wasn't sure if I should post here or aibu but I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant. Dh and I have really struggled to choose a name we both like and finally came up with one we can agree on.I'm very close to my mother and she has helped me a lot over the years but she seems to think this means she gets a big input into naming the baby. I didn't want to tell her the name we have picked as I knew she wouldn't like it as it was my second choice when I was pregnant last time and she vetoed it then. I told her I didn't want to talk about it and she went into a mood for about a week, being short with me on the phone and saying how hurt she was that she wasn't being included but she knew dh had mentioned Ed it to his parents ( his parents are not as interested so not so much of a big deal). Anyway, I eventually gave in and told her the name and since then she had waged a campaign against his name. Ridiculing it and basically saying it's horrible. Telling my dd to tell me how horrible it is. I've been ignoring and changing the subject but then this morning I feel she's gone too far. She is getting a dog and said she's going to call the dog the name so I can't use it. Wtf? I actually believe she will do this. Honestly I'm angry with her at this point. It's not a weird name or anything like that and I don't think it deserves all this hate. My sister had also joined in with this and had started making fun of it in every conversation we have. Anyone else experiencing high pressure from extended family about names?

This is utterly ridiculous and interfering.

Back right off from her and let her see that she's out of order. It's none of her business and she should just be pleased for you.

Stick with the name you want, and if she chooses to name her dog that, then so be it.

My friend got a rescue dog called Sam, which is also her husband's name 😁 so it's not impossible. I don't think your mum would call her dog that anyway if she doesn't like the name, she's just trying to manipulate you.

Stay firm. I know she's helped you a lot, but help isn't supposed to come with conditions.

She doesn't sound very nice

Yes I do think it's ridiculous. I've just told dh and he's not impressed at all. I've told her she needs to stop but she just carries on.

I hate to use the phrase ‘red flag’ which is associated with ‘proper’ abuse, but ... this seems to me a red flag about your mum’s involvement in your life, about her inability to recognise your autonomy, and about her being a not-very-nice bully.

Tell her that unless she accepts your choice she won’t have any input into anything, and reduce contact massively. She needs to understand she can’t control you.

Ignore her. If she gets a dog and calls it by the same name, I'd still use it for the baby. No one liked my sisters choice of name for either of her kids. We said nothing and got used to it.

She sounds a total P in the A! Tell her to take a hike!

I am a grandma 7 x over and I did not regard it as any of my business whatsoever - it is up to the parents to choose names. I listened to the discussions and had my own preferences but zipped the lip and just smiled when they told me the choices.

I truly cannot believe she is telling your DD how horrible it is! She is manipulative and way way out of order - show her this post and tell her to butt out.

She is manipulative cow - really this is intolerable.

I'm very close to my mother - really? Close to someone who is manipulative and cruel (calling the dog the same name, may the lord preserve us). I do not know how you put up with this I really don't.

I had something similar but much less extreme. This does sound like bullying behaviour? I would just smile and repeat "we have chosen x name, we love it and don't want to discuss it any more." If they don't respect that I would reduce contact a bit till baby is here so they can stop stressing you out!

My mum is quite opinionated, she hated our boys list and although wasn't directly mean about it kept pulling a face and talking about "weird" names etc. Luckily we had a girl first but it spoilt our first choice boy name. We are having a boy soon and have chosen another name for him but have been really strict about not telling anyone his name as I found it hurtful last time.

I think you need to just pull back from her it is not her business and she is being overbearing and horrible to you ignore her, My mil called Dd2 Rachel for 3 weeks after she was born which would have been fine if her name was Rachel, She didn't like the name we chose too biblical

What awful, awful people. I wouldn't have anything to do with them until they stop mentioning the name. You're pregnant and this is supposed to be an exciting time in your life. How horrible for you that they are being so mean

@MrsWooster I think she just is very used to being my 'go to' person. She brought us all up alone and I was a single mother with my first and she was very involved. I am really grateful to her but I think she's being mean here. I've explained to her how hard it's been to find a name dh and I both like but she just says the name is horrendous etc

She sounds awful. Please don’t let her control you. Use the name, if she wants to call her dog that let her, she’ll look extremely silly.

You have asked her to stop multiple times and she has refused.
She does not respect you or your choices.

You really need to distance yourself from this unhealthy relationship.

OP - do you not realise that you hold ALL the cards? if she is being pissy about your choice of then she just does not get to see your child?

I'd pull way back.

Let her come to the realisation that she does not in fact have any say in your choices, and if she wants to be a grandmother, then she needs to stop bullying the mother.

When I was pregnant with twins dd1 (3yo) told dm we were calling them Fairy and Mary. I had no idea she’d said this. Dm only told me after they were born and named normal names that she thought Fairy would have taken some getting used to but it was our choice so didn’t say anything. As a grandparent her role is to support not critique. Your mum is massively out of order and you need to shut down any discussion “dh and I will decide on a name once many is born and we’ll let you know”.

She's completely out of order. Ignore ignore ignore. Or tell them that the more they mock and dismiss the name the more it strengthens your plan to use it.

If they don't stop just stop replying until they tire. So unfair and I'm sorry they are like this.

Tell her and your sister that you are not going to engage with this. Hang up on them if they start.

@ptumbi

OP - do you not realise that you hold ALL the cards? if she is being pissy about your choice of then she just does not get to see your child?

I'd pull way back.

Let her come to the realisation that she does not in fact have any say in your choices, and if she wants to be a grandmother, then she needs to stop bullying the mother.

This!!

She's angry because she's been usurped by your partner, he is now your go-to person and she feels slighted
I can relate (to an extent) I've missed the connection I had with my daughter before she got into a serious long term relationship but ultimately I'm glad that she's happy and I know that it's better for her that her go-to person is a partner ...a parent can only ever be a poor substitute as a go-to person (in my opinion) and I want her to fulfil her potential and have the best life that she can
Your mother sounds immature and lacking in insight☹️

@Mrsjayy Your MIL didn't use the name you chose because it was too biblical and then started calling the baby Rachel? Rachel is a biblical name.

OP, ignore your mum. Put your foot down now or you'll just create a rod for your own back.

Inappropriate and manipulative. I'd just put the phone down on her and your sis every time they start. My MiL didn't like my DD's name and asked me not to use it. When she got nowhere she started on my DH. We used it anyway.

None of her business. Your child = your rules. She’s already had her chance to choose her child’s names. She has no right to be so rude, disrespectful and invasive

@Heffalooomia I think this is part of the problem. I've had a lot of emotional support and she babysat when I was working with my dd. We've moved away when we got married and she just visits now. It's difficult.

Red flags all over the place here OP! Are you in a position to just stop all contact with her until she gets the idea that her input isn't needed on this occasion?

I would pull right back, and definitely keep my DD away from her if she behaves like this.
She either backs down and puts up with it or she has a lot less contact. ultimately its her choice, don't let her bully you.