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Original poster

Am I stepping over a line using a name for my baby that my sister in law has asked me not to ?!

189 replies

fayemumtofive · 09/08/2016 19:39

Evening all,
I'm looking for some advise; I'm heavily pregnant and my sister in law (who isn't trying to get pregnant & isn't really 100% if she even wants to/ will have any children in the future)..
has asked me not to use a name, as it is the name of her new (18months) partner's dead parent :-| And they've discussed that they would use it if they ever had a child of this sex in the future.

However its the only name my partner and i both agree that we like!
It has been on our name list since we first started having children 10 years ago, but haven't had the opportunity to use it until now.

She does live in the same town as us, though i wouldn't be phased if she then used the same name at a later date..
Am i being unreasonable?? And if you do think i could go ahead and use it should i forewarn her before the birth announcement ? I am concerned if i do she may try and persuade my partner not to use it and then we'd be back to having no name we can agree on despite it being a long standing favourite of ours :-/
Thanks in advance ! :)

OP posts:
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Julius02 · 10/08/2016 08:50

So your DH's parents might possibly have 2 grandsons in the future, both called Leo? Mmm. I'd choose another name; there are lots to choose from and his choice of Leo would be for sentimental reasons which you don't have. I think it would be selfish to call your son Leo when there are so many other names you could give him (and I don't see that having Leonard on the birth certificate makes a difference).

Pearlman · 10/08/2016 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babbafishbabe · 10/08/2016 09:09

I know a family where DS had a son and called him Ben.... 12 years later the DB had a son and called him Ben. The granny has Big Ben and little Ben !!!!!

unicornthong · 10/08/2016 11:55

Mmmm I don't know...if it was a very popular name like Harry or Oliver then you could put it down to coincidence but Leo is still sort of 'special'...I would probably be upset but at the end of the day, you can name your child whatever you choose.

Saying that, I want to name my first son after my late gramps (it's not a wildly popular name, admittedly!) and my cousin on the other side of the family had the name in his shortlist. I didn't say anything, just hoped he wouldn't use it. He didn't and I was extremely relieved so I'm inclined to say that perhaps you could try and choose a different name?

Somerville · 10/08/2016 12:05

Despite the BIL not seeming to mind (and he might have been taken aback and under-reacted) I wouldn't use the name of a deceased parent of another branch of the family for my child. But probably having lost my DH affects my opinion on that. 2 reasons:
1/ I'd respect the fact that the child of the late parent may well want to use that name, and I think first cousins with the same name is awkward.
2/ The 'Leo' of my family gets spoken about at lots of family gatherings, and I think it would be uncomfortable for a child with the same name, unless they were actually named after him IYSWiM. I know that other families have different dynamics and might not mix with the bereaved family branch, but in case you do in future I'd avoid that name.

OVienna · 10/08/2016 12:19

I think your sister in law is a loon to have put that on FB and also unfortunately after the conversation you've had with her partner may look a bit of a fantasist. You really have to deal in the here and now. Her situation is not at all certain and I don't think you'd be unreasonable to use the name. Does her neither have another relative who might 'bagsy' it in the meantime?! Crazy. But I'd probably be put off Leo now given the shenanigans.

OVienna · 10/08/2016 12:20

Sorry 'does her partner'

CloudPirate · 10/08/2016 12:40

My DM and her sister named their DS the same first name (which was a family name and shared by their Dad also, who was very much alive at the time!). When it isn't clear which one is being spoken about they just get called FirstandSecondname eg. Billy Bob and Billy Joe. As far as I'm aware it was never an issue between the sisters.

Its never even occurred to me as being weird, because that is just what my brother and my cousin are called (can't imagine them with different names!!).

That said, and it clearly isn't the case here, but if anyone I was close to chose my late DM's name for their DC I think I'd find it jarring to keep hearing it, as even years later the pain of losing her is very raw. Hopefully if it actually happened though I would get used to it after the first few times of hearing it and think of it as the child's name rather than my DM's, if that makes sense. I'd never demand people didn't use it, but I might think they were a bit insensitive if they hadn't mentioned it to me beforehand.

If SIL's DP really doesn't mind, then I'd talk to her again and explain you are probably going to use the name (with his go ahead) as you already had your hearts set on it, but that you understand if they do ever had a DS it's likely they will share the name. Although I wouldn't give up looking for an alternative, because I do think it would be more simple if you did have another name you loved just as much that you could use.

One other thing... are you sure you haven't fixated on this as being the one perfect name precisely beacuse you've been told you 'can't' have it? Because I can imagine myself doing just that

AmberNectarine · 10/08/2016 12:46

Oh sorry, no idea where I got 2 from!!

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 10/08/2016 12:58

I think it's a bit weird of you to be so set on this name.

Floggingmolly · 10/08/2016 14:10

I think it's far weirder for the SIL to be so set on the name, actually... It's not actually her Dad, and her partner seems oblivious... Confused

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 14:12

So many names. I wouldn't do it. Middle name fine, but again there are so many names!!

Original poster
fayemumtofive · 10/08/2016 14:58

Thanks for the responses 😊 am trying to find other names that my OH likes too, not to heap too much of the 'blame' on his head, but every name I suggest he shoots down! I guess one of the reasons why I'm so keen on Leo is because we changed our youngest daughters name 6 months ago, because it just ddnt suit her and we'd been influenced by family members into choosing it, it ended up grating on me so much she ended up being called by a totally unrelated silly nick name by everyone. So, we changed her name completely! I really don't want to go with another name that I have to say day in day out that im not 100% about.
I appreciate that the whole situation probably doesn't make me seem like the most thoughtful person. If my SIL was pregnant or trying to get pregnant I wouldn't go there.. But they aren't and don't seem to be interested in starting a family whenever we talk. They aren't young and i cant help feeling if I don't find a name I like as much then I will be giving up the name and they wnt use it anyway?!

OP posts:
Mouseinahole · 10/08/2016 16:53

Have you considered Theo?

Original poster
fayemumtofive · 10/08/2016 17:03

I like Theo , but it doesn't feel as solid as Leo seems to me, I can picture Leo sitting more comfortably on a man.
Really appreciate the suggestion, any more thoroughly welcome !

OP posts:
Original poster
fayemumtofive · 10/08/2016 17:08

Our other children like Hugo (we obviously all have a thing for names ending in O) , but I don't like it as much.. Worried its a bit try hard ?!

OP posts:
Somerville · 10/08/2016 17:42

Hugo isn't try hard around here. Depends which area you live in, probably.

Nico, Milo... ummm... Cato.... Pluto...!

Ending in -o is hard!

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 19:51

I liked Edward (Eddie) before I had my DS. My DH at the time preferred a name (another classic) suggested by my DD. I knew that I liked the short form so went with it. Everyone knows him as the shortened version and it suits him. I'm still not keen on full name.

I'm sorry about what happened with your DDs name, so can understand why this means more to you. I'd still look at other names as it can be possible to like more than one name and something may appeal if you look again.

Lilacpink40 · 10/08/2016 19:52

I liked Hugo too, but my now ex didn't. Or Theodore (Theo).

Yika · 10/08/2016 21:24

I love Leo. I especially love Leonard.

I love Hugo too :)

Marco
Rocco
Joe
Mungo

..

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 10/08/2016 21:38

Glad it's been sorted.

Marlo is a name I've heard a couple of times - quite original?

But I prefer Leo. Lovely name.

diddl · 11/08/2016 14:04

I like "O" ending names as well.

I really like Leo but as a stand alone name.

Also Arlo, Theo, Milo, Cosmo...

toodles · 11/08/2016 14:20

No-one can 'bagsy' a name. You should use it. You obviously love it and want to use it. What would it matter if cousins had the same name anyway? I think that you will regret it if you don't use it, and could feel bitter if SIL did not go on to have a baby boy with this current partner.

You should come to Greece where this is a complete non-issue and many families have same name first cousins.

needanewjob · 13/08/2016 09:22

But it's the emotional connection for the name. This isn't a random name that they just happen to like.

Middleoftheroad · 13/08/2016 09:29

I agree that it just wouldn't be right to use the name in the circumstances, especially with such a wide choice of names out there.

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