Am I stepping over a line using a name for my baby that my sister in law has asked me not to ?!

[fayemumtofive]

Evening all,
I'm looking for some advise; I'm heavily pregnant and my sister in law (who isn't trying to get pregnant & isn't really 100% if she even wants to/ will have any children in the future)..
has asked me not to use a name, as it is the name of her new (18months) partner's dead parent :-| And they've discussed that they would use it if they ever had a child of this sex in the future.

However its the only name my partner and i both agree that we like!
It has been on our name list since we first started having children 10 years ago, but haven't had the opportunity to use it until now.

She does live in the same town as us, though i wouldn't be phased if she then used the same name at a later date..
Am i being unreasonable?? And if you do think i could go ahead and use it should i forewarn her before the birth announcement ? I am concerned if i do she may try and persuade my partner not to use it and then we'd be back to having no name we can agree on despite it being a long standing favourite of ours :-/
Thanks in advance ! :)

I'm surprised at all the people saying don't use it. If I had s girl I always wanted to name her after my Nan. However it became popular recently and 3 friends have since used it. As it goes I had 2 boys. I'd never ask someone not to use a name on the off chance I might want to use it. How does your DH feel? If he's ok with it then use it.

I wouldn't.

It has a special meaning to them.

Blimey. I do hope people aren't quite as callous in real life as they are on here! Of course you can't use it!

There must be another name you like? I think you'd come across as insensitive and selfish to use it, sorry. It has a lot of sentimental value to them.

Hard one, I think you should of mentioned it when you were speaking with her about names, to use it now after the conversation would come across (to me anyway) as spiteful, although nobody owns a name but you had a conversation about the name but said nothing, now want to use it, so for that It is U

I don't think it would be unreasonable at all. She shouldn't have even asked.

I would go back to her and say, 'I didn't mention it at the time because I wanted to discuss what you had said with my partner but we decided a long time ago that is the name we are using and have been calling our baby in our heads and between us since we found out the sex. It's already the baby's name to us and we really cannot and don't want to change it, sorry'.

You have every right to use the name, but I wouldn't personally. It would just end up with bad feeling around it and I wouldn't want that sort of negativity floating around my newborn child.

No, if she asked me specifically not to, I wouldn't. If they just said they were thinking about using it I would say "oh that's a coincidence, it's been on our list for years too!".

I know what it's like to not be able to agree on anything or feel like there's only one name in the whole world that you want to use, but this would be really hurtful and unnecessary.

Use it! She's no right to tell you you can't use it, No one owns a name.

In these specific circumstances you would be unreasonable to use the name.

I lost my mother when I was very small. It's likely that I would have used her name for a dd. As it happens I didn't have any dds but if my SIL had used my mum's name for her dd before I'd got pregnant I would have been upset.

You said "since we started having children 10 years ago"- was this a typo or how many children have you got and what sex are they?

Good heavens, of course you can use it. If she was pg or ttc with this chap right now then no, you couldn't. But she isn't. I can't imagine ever telling anyone they couldn't use my late dad's name (which is a pretty common name) for the child that I may or may not have at some unspecified time in the future. And are any of her DP's siblings not allowed to use their dad's name? You just can't own a name like that.

However, it's not for you to resolve, she's your DH's sister so he can speak to her about it.

You are absolutely entitled to use it - but I don't think a decent person would. It's the little things that make us that wee bit more human.

Also, you using it doesn't mean they can't - it's not as though you're actually taking something from them or preventing them from doing something.

I wouldn't use it, in view of the circumstances it's poor show.

Do people really have so little empathy and kindness?

I think it would be mean to use it with the personal attachment her dp has to it.
I think if you'd told her when she mentioned it that is your chosen name,it may have not been as bad. To do so after the conversation just looks unkind.

I think you should use it if it's the name you both love, but definitely have a discussion with her first. You haven't chosen it because she told you about it - you've loved it for ten years.

If she and her partner had been together longer/were trying for a baby I'd say don't use it, but in this instance if you didn't you'd basically be giving up a name for your child that you've loved for a decade, based on the possibility that they stay together, have children, and have a child of that sex. There's a lot of ifs to base such an important decision on. Would you have a problem with her also using it should they stay together and have children?

If there's another name you can agree on it would be better though as it will cause arguments if you do use it. Is there a variation of the name you could use instead?

You can use any name you like, obviously. In this case, however, I wouldn't. It would just be slightly insensitive I think.

There are three of us in this family with variations of the same name. Doesn't cause any problems.

I don't think it's especially kind to ban your brother who is actually expecting a child from using a name which you may never, in the end, have cause to use.

It has been on your list for 10 years..

She may not stay with her partner.

She may not have a child.

She may not have a child of that gender to use the name.

Your child and hers (if she has one) may rarely be in the same room.

Use the name if you want to. If she was pregnant I might see her point but I would still disagree with her.

YABU.

If your username of 'fayemumtofive' is anything to go by, then unless you've has four boys and are having a girl or vice versa, you have had opportunity to use it in the past. If that is the case then forgive me, but if it isn't and it's been on your list 10 years but not used, leave it alone.

There are other names, it sounds a bit 'dog in a manger' that this is the one name you and your OH agreed to. Could you agree on a variation of it or as a middle name?

If it was just a friend who said 'I want that name someday' but wasn't in a relationship etc, then it's fair game, but given the circumstances and if you want to have a good relationship with them in future, stay away from the name. It will literally drive a wedge between you and still be referred to in 30 years time (speaking from experience, not my own, but a family one).

My god no I would not use it. It's just a name to you, it's a lot more to them. Why on earth would you even consider it?

OMGooness, difficult call. On the one hand it's the name of a presumably, loved and missed parent, on the other it's the only name you can agree on! Well,I'd discuss it with your DP, try to come up with an alternative you both like , but if you reall can't....then use it! But make sure you explain this to her carefully, telling her you have no objection to her using it for any possible future offspring! But be prepared for her to be very put out, and for it to cause a family rift!