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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Am I stepping over a line using a name for my baby that my sister in law has asked me not to ?!

189 replies

fayemumtofive · 09/08/2016 19:39

Evening all,
I'm looking for some advise; I'm heavily pregnant and my sister in law (who isn't trying to get pregnant & isn't really 100% if she even wants to/ will have any children in the future)..
has asked me not to use a name, as it is the name of her new (18months) partner's dead parent :-| And they've discussed that they would use it if they ever had a child of this sex in the future.

However its the only name my partner and i both agree that we like!
It has been on our name list since we first started having children 10 years ago, but haven't had the opportunity to use it until now.

She does live in the same town as us, though i wouldn't be phased if she then used the same name at a later date..
Am i being unreasonable?? And if you do think i could go ahead and use it should i forewarn her before the birth announcement ? I am concerned if i do she may try and persuade my partner not to use it and then we'd be back to having no name we can agree on despite it being a long standing favourite of ours :-/
Thanks in advance ! :)

OP posts:

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Iloveapplepie · 09/08/2016 20:48

My father died when I was a child. I always wanted to name my son after him. It was well known that that was the case by friends and family. A very close friend named her son that. I found out when he was born. It hurt and it hurt a lot. It's something that will always hurt. She was free to choose any name she desired but what I found the hardest part to accept is that she didn't tell me that it was a name she was going to consider. It feels as though my last ability to see my father 'live on' was taken. I'm sorry but I think YABU

PepsiPenguins · 09/08/2016 20:50

We had a boy ten years ago, and the only reason we didnt use it then was that my husband has a good friend called Leo and thought it would be a bit odd

I think considering your SIL, has asked you not to use the name due to the fact she would want to name any potential child after her DP dead parent and you thought it was weird as your husband had a friend called Leo YABVU. Of course a name is a name nobody has ownership but think it would be a pretty shitty thing to do.

How do you know there not "trying" maybe they are and their having issues and have brushed it off as not tying (we certainly have on many occasions to family) just something to think about as it would be strange to put "dibs" on a name if they weren't.

maryellie · 09/08/2016 20:51

Use it! They can always call there child the same but don't be upset if/when they do that. What is the name, can you tweak it slightly?

Shopper99 · 09/08/2016 20:51

It feels as though my last ability to see my father 'live on'

But that's simply not true. You can still name a son the same... There is no law saying you can't.

Unless it's something really very unusual then the chances are there will be other children with the same name as your offspring somewhere. It really doesn't matter.

Just name your kid whatever you want and dont worry about anyone else.

SunshineAgain · 09/08/2016 20:51

My sil and husband didn't use their first choice name because a close (non pregnant) friend told her she was planning to use it and it had always been the name she knew she'd use since she was in school. A year down the line they just had a baby and didn't use the name! SIL is really upset about it. Don't know if that helps or not but I'd be tempted to use Leo, you baby is real, hers may not happen, she may have girls, she may end up with someone else

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 09/08/2016 20:52

But you didn't use it first time for a reason that was a lot less important than now?

junebirthdaygirl · 09/08/2016 20:52

Why would you want to cause trouble? Don't use it. There will a bad taste hanging over the name if she gets upset.. For goodness sake pick another name.

cdtaylornats · 09/08/2016 20:53

Different first name, name you want as middle name and decide what you are going to use in a year or so once you know if SIL is going the course with partner.

Niks2026 · 09/08/2016 20:53

I think it's unreasonable for your sil to 'bagsy' a name but considering the sentimental value I would choose another name. The last thing you want with your newborn is negativity.
If you decided not to go with the name Leo because it was DHs friends name and managed to find another name you liked then surely with the circumstances you can do the same on this occasion. It already feels like the name is tainted with potential drama.
Personally I would find another name, not even mention it and bypass any confrontation or fall out. For a name, it just is not worth it. I really hope you and DH find another name you fall in love with. Best of luck X

BertrandRussell · 09/08/2016 20:53

There's no reason why you shouldn't use the name. Except kindness, consideration and basic human decency. So if those things don't matter to you.....

Floggingmolly · 09/08/2016 20:53

You not using it first time round because of your hisband's friend outs a different complexion on things... Sort of...
Her posting on Facebook that she's bagsied the name is plain nuts. There are millions of Leo's around.
If she has one; he'll be called after his grandfather. Your one won't...

Xmasbaby11 · 09/08/2016 20:54

I think she was wholly unreasonable to mention it and ask you. However you've already had the chance to use it and didn't, so I don't think it meant that much to you..I'd find another name.

Shopper99 · 09/08/2016 20:55

It doesn't matter WHY! They had their reasons back then and now they feel differently (and clearly stronger) about using it anyway.

I know several little Charlies (and Leos for that matter) and they are all totally unique and individual as if they'd been named Howard or Zane.

People are not defined by their names.

Floggingmolly · 09/08/2016 20:56

I think "basic human decency" is a tad over dramatic in this scenario actually, Bertrand. I generally have quite high levels of human decency when the occasion warrants it, but I don't think this one does really...

HeirOfNothingInParticular · 09/08/2016 20:57

Leo is a lovely name, but very popular at the moment. My brother's grandson is called Leo and until he was named I hadn't noticed how many little boys are called that.

I'm on the the fence about this - I think your SIL ISBU, but perhaps it would be better to have another think and give your little boy his own special name with no connotations. Does your SIL's partners have siblings btw? If so, one of them may also think they've got a call on 'Leo'... She won't like that!

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 09/08/2016 20:58

She doesn't have any right to 'bagsy' the name.

You should really decide if calling your child that name is worth hurting your SIL.

For me the fall out wouldn't be worth it given the circumstances, there's an emotional reason rather than a preference on her part.

LifeIsGoodish · 09/08/2016 20:58

Why on earth should your using the name mean she can't? My dd has the same name as one of her cousins, who is a few years older than her. It didn't even occur to us when choosing dd's name, and in any case they've ended up with different nicknames, so it really does not matter. Using the name doesn't disrespect your SIL's OH, either. Of course you should go ahead and use it. I think I would tell her that the name is still in your shortlist, but not tell anybody (ie not just her) the name you choose until the baby is born. For one thing, when you finally meet your baby you may feel they suit a different name after all.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 09/08/2016 21:04

So she told you before you were even pregnant that it was a name they would use, for incredibly personal reasons? Of course you'd be unreasonable to use it. You might not have ownership over a name, but that would hurt them both, considerably, and probably damage the relationship forever.

You found a new name (for much less important reasons) last time you had a boy. Do the same now.

ExitPursuedByABear · 09/08/2016 21:04

Use it or lose it.

EverySongbirdSays · 09/08/2016 21:06

In general I'm of the view that nobody should be able to call "dibs" on a name and people need to stop being precious about it. Two of my aunts (sisters) called their sons the same first name, not only did they not fall out there wasn't even so much of a sniff or a cringy "do you mind?" in one instance it was the baby's grandad's name, in the other I think they just liked it.

HOWEVER

This is his DECEASED PARENT which is a different kettle of fish entirely, not only does it require sensitivity she has actively begged you not to and to go against that is callous, particularly as presumably this man will have to call your baby by his deceased Dads name. The name he wanted for a son.

YABU.

Shopper99 · 09/08/2016 21:09

Human decency

Tbh I think the arrogance of claiming a name for a hypothetical child massively outweighs any other perceived lack of consideration.

Pearlman · 09/08/2016 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LifeIsGoodish · 09/08/2016 21:11

Has the SIL's partner expressed any opinion on other people using that name? Or is SIL getting 'professionally offended' on his behalf?

Floggingmolly · 09/08/2016 21:11

Incredibly personal reasons? . My Dad died before my sons were born, and I did in fact call ds1 after him, but it never occurred to me to try to ring fence the name in case anyone else saw fit to use it in the meantime.
Lots of people did, in fact, it's a fairly common name...
It didn't lessen it for us in any way, why would it?

Weddingsahoy · 09/08/2016 21:14

If it was me I definitely wouldn't use the name. I would think it was odd to have first cousins with the same name, so disagree with pp who say it doesn't matter. It would be confusing for the wider family to constantly explain which Leo they were referring to and just a bit strange I think. Wrt "bagsying" names, in general I would be against it however these circumstances are different. A year and a half is plenty of time for DSIL to have decided she wants to be with her DP long term, BTW. If you don't use the name then her and her DP split or don't have a boy then there is a chance you will always feel miffed that you didn't use that name. If you do use that name, knowing that your SIL has explicitly asked you not to as she would like to have the option of using it in future to honour her DPs deceased father, then SIL and her DP will likely be really hurt. Not just that they can't use the name but that you had so little regard for their feelings over something so emotive as naming a child after a dead parent. Your PIL will likely be unimpressed that you and DH have shown this little care for his sister. Other friends and family may also be told and judging from this thread it is clear that plenty of people think that you are being unreasonable, so IRL you can expect that some people finding out about this will think you are being unreasonable too. All of that negativity and upset at a time that you're supposed to be happy! It would be much more compassionate and save a lot of future upset if you and DH could try and find a different name!

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