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Original poster

Am I stepping over a line using a name for my baby that my sister in law has asked me not to ?!

189 replies

fayemumtofive · 09/08/2016 19:39

Evening all,
I'm looking for some advise; I'm heavily pregnant and my sister in law (who isn't trying to get pregnant & isn't really 100% if she even wants to/ will have any children in the future)..
has asked me not to use a name, as it is the name of her new (18months) partner's dead parent :-| And they've discussed that they would use it if they ever had a child of this sex in the future.

However its the only name my partner and i both agree that we like!
It has been on our name list since we first started having children 10 years ago, but haven't had the opportunity to use it until now.

She does live in the same town as us, though i wouldn't be phased if she then used the same name at a later date..
Am i being unreasonable?? And if you do think i could go ahead and use it should i forewarn her before the birth announcement ? I am concerned if i do she may try and persuade my partner not to use it and then we'd be back to having no name we can agree on despite it being a long standing favourite of ours :-/
Thanks in advance ! :)

OP posts:
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Arfarfanarf · 09/08/2016 20:10

This reply has been deleted

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meck · 09/08/2016 20:11

Can you tell us the name in question, OP

Floggingmolly · 09/08/2016 20:15

I think I probably wouldn't use it in your position, but wouldn't judge you if you did but I'd think it was a very strange request Hmm
My partners late mother was called Ethel; we're not having any kids of our own in the foreseeable future but are calling dibs on this name anyway, just in case...
I can't see any real case for decency or empathy being required here at all Confused

SestraClone · 09/08/2016 20:18

I would use it.

Rainbunny · 09/08/2016 20:20

I'm rather curious how she came to say that she didn't want you to use the name. Did you mention that it was the name you and your dh were going to use and she then responded by asking you not to? If so then she knows that you and your dh have chosen the name because you both like it, it seems unreasonable to ask someone not to use the name they've just told you they had chosen. Or did she tell you the name and her reasons for wanting to use it and then you decided how much you liked it? If the former then I would go ahead and use it in your shoes but not if it is the latter situation.

Insabbathstheatre · 09/08/2016 20:22

Really? I had a name in mind for my DS and my cousin wanted the same one (didn't know my preference) - no brainer I picked another name - there are so many! No rift or upset and everyone is happy (even if only I know!) - I am also glad I had to choose another name as it suits DS better I think now!

Yika · 09/08/2016 20:22

I think it would be fine to use it, on the basis that you are deciding right now for an actual baby - and they might never have one. But I think you should discuss it upfront, say you'd be fine about both children having the same name (I know a family where many of the 1st cousins share a name and it isn't a problem). The two children (if the second materialises) might end up with different nicknames, or you could call one by the initials, or add in the middle name when they are both together. My DD has quite a common name so when there's another child with the same name around we add in her middle name which sounds nice.

I actually think she is unreasonable to have asked you not to use the name.

However, if you think YOU will feel bad about it, I'd start strenously looking for some other names, and give this name as a middle name that you can use to a greater or lesser degree depending on circumstances.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 09/08/2016 20:23

Such a shame people have such little empathy for others, it's one name and it means a lot to them.

If you were my sister in law id be hurt and gutted you went with it despite knowing the meaning of it to me. Who does that to their brother?

Lovemylittlebears · 09/08/2016 20:23

No way I wouldn't use it. If the shoe were on the other foot maybe genuinely think how you would feel. I always thought I would use a name for our next girl (if it's a girl) but there is no way I can now as it would be very sentimental to a close friend and it wouldn't be right. So I will find a new name to love- even though that was our definite - my friends feelings and tough circumstance is way more important

Bubbinsmakesthree · 09/08/2016 20:24

I agree with what Arfarfarf says - doesn't matter how U or otherwise your SIL is (and it looks like opinion is evenly split, so it's not as though you have a clear moral high ground), if this is going to cause bad feeling I would not.

On similar threads in past people have said you can use same names as in-laws. I named my child a similar-sounding name to my brother and SIL's child (think Mary and Molly) and my parents endless get the names mixed up, which makes me feel a bit guilty for choosing a similar name. No way would I have used the SAME name!

Viviene · 09/08/2016 20:26

I think it would be horrible selfish and cruel to use it. You can make it a middle name if you want to. How would you feel of the roles were reversed?

rockinrobintweet · 09/08/2016 20:26

I think to wait until the birth announcement would be a little harsh as you know she has feelings regarding that name. IMO you have 2 options...

  1. casually, when family are around (for me it would be a sunday when me and my siblings and our families go to my parents house for lunch), drop into conversation that you and DH have agreed on a name and state the full name and hope she doesn't cause a scene
  1. go to her directly, maybe over coffee, and explain how long you've liked the name, that you're reluctant to not use it because she may do one day, as if she doesn't then you've missed the boat etc and hope that she respects your honestly, heads up and ultimately, you're right to use a name just as much as she does; as pp's have said, there's no dibs over names... my mum was desperate to call me Sarah, didn't as her sister called supposed 'dibs' and then her sister didn't even use it when she had a daughter 18 months later!
MrsGsnow18 · 09/08/2016 20:27

I think this is very tricky too.
Now she might think if you use it it's just because she mentioned it.

It would be different if you had told her you were considering it and then she said 'don't use it' in that case it was clear you had already picked it.
No-one gets to name your child apart from you ultimately and you have to choose what you think it right for you.

DixieNormas · 09/08/2016 20:28

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healthyheart · 09/08/2016 20:30

Is this a reverse 🤔

foursillybeans · 09/08/2016 20:34

I don't really see the point in using it. It's only a name and it's going to cause a lot of stress and upset over nothing really. There are plenty of fantastic names out there.

Pearlman · 09/08/2016 20:34

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Insabbathstheatre · 09/08/2016 20:36

I should add it took my cousin another 10 years to be able to use the name - but was so happy no one else in our large extended family had used (mainly because we all knew and didn't want to cause any hurt when it meant so much to them!)

Original poster
fayemumtofive · 09/08/2016 20:37

I'm new to mumsnet so not sure how to add on to my original post, but wanted to answer some of the questions,
but first a big thanks to everyone who's take nthe time to reply i do really appreciate it.
She told me about wanting to use the name -Its LEO btw, before i was pregnant, so when she said that it was a name they had talked about i just agreed it was a lovely name and that it was one that we'd always liked, not thinking i'd be pregnant with a boy myself shortly. We had a boy ten years ago, and the only reason we didnt use it then was that my husband has a good friend called Leo and thought it would be a bit odd. We have since gone on to have a few girls but each time we got pregnant we'd discuss using Leo if it was a boy (his friend now lives far away).

Since being pregnant my sister in law has said during a name discussion on my f.book wall that she has 'bagsyd' leo..
It really is a name i Love. But would put Leonard on his birth certificate, so she could officially have just Leo, IF she stays with this partner and decides to have children and if they have a boy and still want to use it.
This will be our last baby.
My OH knows the score and dsnt seem bothered (!) but i know women put more emphasis and care into names..
I am furiously going through every name book and website i can get my hands on looking for another name (and have a separate discussion going on mumsnet looking for help to find one), but with ten weeks to go and my husband saying no to every name i suggest , i dont want to get to his birth and end up giving him a name im not happy with...

OP posts:
MaudGonneMad · 09/08/2016 20:39

We had a boy ten years ago, and the only reason we didnt use it then was that my husband has a good friend called Leo and thought it would be a bit odd

Even more unreasonable, sorry.

RiverTam · 09/08/2016 20:41

Again, this is not your problem, your DH can sort it with his sister.

But - she posted in Facebook that she'd bagsied the name? Errr, no you don't, love.

PovertyPain · 09/08/2016 20:44

Is this name mire important than your relationship with your sil?

You want it because you like it, whereas your sil wants it because of her bf's sentimental attachment to it. Which is more important?

PovertyPain · 09/08/2016 20:44

More not mire.

JuneFromBethesda · 09/08/2016 20:47

You didn't use it before, because of your husband's good friend and it might be 'a bit odd'? But you'd consider it now when it absolutely would cause hurt and bad feeling to your husband's sister?

Shopper99 · 09/08/2016 20:48

No one can dictate which names someone can or can't use.

Clear cut. You are pipping her to the post and you get to choose WHATEVER name you like best. For whatever reasons.

But then I'm stubborn and the fact that she's asked me not to would make me want to even more

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