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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Am I stepping over a line using a name for my baby that my sister in law has asked me not to ?!

189 replies

fayemumtofive · 09/08/2016 19:39

Evening all,
I'm looking for some advise; I'm heavily pregnant and my sister in law (who isn't trying to get pregnant & isn't really 100% if she even wants to/ will have any children in the future)..
has asked me not to use a name, as it is the name of her new (18months) partner's dead parent :-| And they've discussed that they would use it if they ever had a child of this sex in the future.

However its the only name my partner and i both agree that we like!
It has been on our name list since we first started having children 10 years ago, but haven't had the opportunity to use it until now.

She does live in the same town as us, though i wouldn't be phased if she then used the same name at a later date..
Am i being unreasonable?? And if you do think i could go ahead and use it should i forewarn her before the birth announcement ? I am concerned if i do she may try and persuade my partner not to use it and then we'd be back to having no name we can agree on despite it being a long standing favourite of ours :-/
Thanks in advance ! :)

OP posts:

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AmberNectarine · 09/08/2016 21:55

Hang on, just saw the fact she has been with partner for two months. Use it.

squiggleirl · 09/08/2016 21:57

Elsa It's not being thoughtless, but honest about my viewpoint of a situation.

I am sorry that you have had experiences that have led to your family names being as they are.

To me, there is a huge difference between choosing a deceased relative's name as a middle name, and naming a baby after the relative as a way of the relative living on. Also somebody choosing a name to commemorate a relative is very different to that naming been given to them. The situations you described, are different to the one I was discussing.

I genuinely don't understand why somebody would choose to name their child after a deceased relative, because having been in that situation, and having had a number of people expect me to do it, I just don't understand the thinking. The very last thing my comment is is thoughtless. It's something I put a lot of thinking into, and I can't get my head around it.

Floggingmolly · 09/08/2016 21:58

No, 18 I think Amber? I'd still consider that a relatively "new" relationship, though.

MaudGonneMad · 09/08/2016 21:59

18 months, Amber, not 2.

Floggingmolly · 09/08/2016 22:03

They may be rock solid , but I have to say if I was having a family portrait done, I'd want a partner of 18 months done in erasable ink...

Rainbunny · 09/08/2016 22:05

This is going to sound a bit harsh but unless the SIL is actually pregnant, or even currently ttc it's not reasonable to restrict someone else from using a name. Life is by no means certain and the SIL may never have a boy, she may not stay with her DP. Also, I dislike the implication that by having more than one person use a name it will "devalue" the name somehow.

The SIL has a very good reason to want to use the name for a future child, however her reason for not wanting the OP to use the name comes down to a sense of "ownership" and wanting to protect the uniqueness of the name so that it seems more special within her circle of family and friends.

Original poster

fayemumtofive · 09/08/2016 22:07

hey :) Its my husband's sister. It's Her partner who's deceased father was called Leo, the name i want to use. Though we'd go with Leonard and have the nick name of Leo

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 09/08/2016 22:09

The thing is that there are a lot of names in the world. Using this one will cause somebody upset. Why would you want the naming of your child to upset his aunt?

Original poster

fayemumtofive · 09/08/2016 22:14

Hey all,
really over whelmed with the amount of people that have taken time out of their evening to respond- thank you :)
As fate would have it my sister in law's partner popped over (alone) this evening and i put it (gently)! to him about how he'd feel about us using 'his father's name', and if he felt OK about it , we would use Leonard and shorten it to Leo..
He was totally fine and seemed genuinely shocked that i'd even asked. He said that if he ever had a son he'd call is Leo regardless
Soooo.. my husband feels good to go with Leo.
I'm going to continue to look for other names right up until the due date to see if we can find another one that we love
Thanks again all :)

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 09/08/2016 22:14

I find it odd that he'd tell her this though... If we ever have kids, I'm desperate to call one after my Dad. Strange that a bloke who has no immediate desire to have kids would have that train of thought at all.
I'll bet she's had a mad figarie and either planted that thought in his head unsolicited, or just appropriated the whole "we'll call our son after dear old Dad" thing herself.

winewolfhowls · 09/08/2016 22:19

Well done that bloke!

WannaBe · 09/08/2016 22:23

It is utterly ridiculous to suggest that someone can't use a particular name for any reason what so ever. No-one owns a name, and given she has been with this bloke for five minutes, isn't pregnant and doesn't even know if she will have children she is being ridiculous to even suggest that the OP not use a particular name.

Anyone who stopped speaking to a family member over a name which their as yet not conceived and may never be conceived child may or may not be given probably has deeper issues at play and would most likely find another reason to stop speaking to them at some point anyway so I would pay no attention to that kind of threat.

FWIW my MIL was named after a deceased relative. Her grandmother's daughter or something iirc. She hated it. Felt that she somehow was expected to carry the memory of this child who she never knew. Apparently her parents were pressured into giving her the name of this child.

Shopper99 · 09/08/2016 22:24

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of the situation, that would mean that your DS2 would be the cause of upset and tension within the family. Even if SIL and her DP don't stay together long term, the pain might remain and your DS2's birth won't be just remembered as a happy event in your DH's family, but also the reason your SIL fell out with you.

The SIL has ruined the baby naming joy for everyone by staking her claim. It puts the op in a ridiculous lose-lose situation. It's nothing but manipulation.

Having lived with a strongly manipulative person for most of my life the only thing to do is to stick two fingers up and do what you want anyway.

I know this situation is somewhat muddied by the BIL's emotional attachment to the name but really they are powerless in this.

Hilarious that BIL doesn't give a shit anyway

RiverTam · 09/08/2016 22:37

So there we go. No biggie.

YourNewspaperIsShit · 10/08/2016 00:43

I think the best way to deal with this has passed, for example if it was John.

"Please don't call the baby John it's DP's deceased father and we want to use it"

"Im so sorry we chose John a long time ago I know it's an awful coincidence it's been our name choice for 10 years"

Now you need to have the same conversation and just explain that you were embarrassed to say anything at the time and hope it doesn't look spiteful

Goingtobeawesome · 10/08/2016 07:29

Very silly of the poster to compare her friend using the same name as she wanted to a family member using it.

Sooverthis · 10/08/2016 07:36

It does look spiteful because it is. You wouldn't use the name because it was a friends but will when asked not to for a deceased parent. Dress it up how you like it matters to SiL so you aren't choosing a name you are choosing to disregard her wishes.

LifeIsGoodish · 10/08/2016 07:43

He was totally fine and seemed genuinely shocked that i'd even asked. He said that if he ever had a son he'd call is Leo regardless

Problem solved.

New problem revealed: SIL. But that's a whole new thread.

OkLumberjack · 10/08/2016 08:04

As its Leo, I think I would use it (I know 4). If SIL's partner isn't too bothered then there's your answer.

If it was a really unusual name I'd have maybe thought differently.

We have a Harry after a much loved grandparent. The fact there's lots of other Harry's around is just immaterial to us.

OkLumberjack · 10/08/2016 08:07

Oh and just to add, a close friend had a baby boy 2 years after my Harry and she rang me to ask if I minded her using the name too. I didn't mind one bit, but loved her for thinking of asking. In fact, my Harry loves hanging out with 'baby Harry' these days (although they're both boys now!)

Pearlman · 10/08/2016 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewredfairy · 10/08/2016 08:13

No-one 'bagsys' a name and she is being unreasonable to apply emotional pressure on you. You have the baby and you get to call it what you like. She then has the choice what to call her baby if and when she has one.

Ellieboolou27 · 10/08/2016 08:22

Thanks for the update op, Leo is a lovely name and was going to call our son that, however we had two girls

SoupDragon · 10/08/2016 08:28

I see you've sorted it with the DP but I don't understand how naming your child Leonard and calling him Leo is any different to just naming him Leo

PizzzaTheHutt · 10/08/2016 08:31

Friends of ours announced the arrival of their new baby. It's the first time we heard they had used the same name as our Dd and I think that was pretty rude of them tbh.

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