Am I stepping over a line using a name for my baby that my sister in law has asked me not to ?!

[fayemumtofive]

Evening all,
I'm looking for some advise; I'm heavily pregnant and my sister in law (who isn't trying to get pregnant & isn't really 100% if she even wants to/ will have any children in the future)..
has asked me not to use a name, as it is the name of her new (18months) partner's dead parent :-| And they've discussed that they would use it if they ever had a child of this sex in the future.

However its the only name my partner and i both agree that we like!
It has been on our name list since we first started having children 10 years ago, but haven't had the opportunity to use it until now.

She does live in the same town as us, though i wouldn't be phased if she then used the same name at a later date..
Am i being unreasonable?? And if you do think i could go ahead and use it should i forewarn her before the birth announcement ? I am concerned if i do she may try and persuade my partner not to use it and then we'd be back to having no name we can agree on despite it being a long standing favourite of ours :-/
Thanks in advance ! :)

Sorry for lack of paragraphs above!

Even if you do use it... You'll always think of this situation so it's about how you feel about that.

If it was me it would feel tainted with possible fall out. I'm happy to accept that that opinion maybe seen as dramatic by some. It's all down to how much you like your sil and care about her feelings

YANBU. It's not their name! My SIL (DH's sister) also has a new partner and they are talking about babies and (trying to imagine I am pg!) I would think it unfair of them if they asked us this! If you've always liked it you should use it.

Surely when you had the conversation, you said you liked them name and that's that?

However I'd not use it - depending on the context
We used the name that our SIL would have used for her son (she had two miscarriages) but we only found out after we'd named DS. I would have used a different name if I'd known

I think I'd use it. I'd feel guilty about it but I'd still use it: given all the circumstances and scenarios pp have suggested.

I cannot understand someone telling another person not to use a name because they might use it in the future!

Go ahead and use it, but do let her know first.

Just pick another name!

You're obviously not that bothered about it if you didn't use it with your first.

You have left it too late to object.
Had you said straight away, Sorry SIL I really cannot make that promise as it's the only name we like then fair enough.
If in fact you said this and then she voiced her concerns/request you'd.still be in the right.
But otherwise it comes across as wanting this name and this name only precisely because it's been vetoed, even though that's not the case.

I really don't understand why people feel the need to name children after deceased relatives. Babies are real people, not little memorials to those who have died. They should be allowed to be themselves, and not little tributes to somebody else. Why can't the deceased person be remembered for who they were, and this new little person be whoever they are?

Nobody bagsies a name. And certainly not a name like 'Leo'. It's not hugely unique. There are plenty more people out there called Leo, and that doesn't in anyway take from the memory of a deceased loved one.

The OPs SIL is being massively unreasonable with the idea that if she and this partner do stick together, and if they decide to have kids, and if she does become pregnant, and if the baby is a boy, she would like to call him 'Leo'. That's a whole lot of 'ifs'.

I also don't get why, if two people in a family like a name, they can't both use it. I have two cousins with the same name, both born within 2 years of each other. It's not a family name, but both sets of parents liked it, so both sets of parents used it. It was never an issue. There's no need to be so bloody precious about names.

Would there be fall out from your PIL if you upset their daughter?

I am a firm believer in no one owns a name but in these circumstances I would choose another.

When I had Ds1 we only had 1 first name picked out with a possible 2 middle names. We didn't like any other names.

When I was pregnant again, I had a list as long as your arm for girls name and I had another boy. We managed to find 2 new names for him.

Find a new name, or risk the relationship you have with your SIL and PIL and wider circle. You can see on here that a lot of people feel strongly that you shouldn't use Leo, this is a deceased parent's name we are talking about.

I have lost both my own Mum and my MIL so I can understand the grief and heartache. If I asked my SIL not to use my Mum's name and she did I would be incredibly hurt.

I would use it. They can still use the name if they have a child of that sex. (As stinkdoodle says -they may not). However, I would tell her and explain why. I assume from your post that you know the sex of your baby?

OR - you could agree on a second choice as your baby's first name, use your preferred name as a middle name, and always call your baby by the preferred name. Friends did this because their initials for the two names they liked would have been unfortunate if they'd put the preferred name first (ARS) Therefore they christened their son RAS, but he was always known as R.

I have cousins (sisters) who each have a child with the same name - AFAIK it's never been an issue.

However - I would tell her. Don't let them find out from the birth announcement.

I really don't understand why people feel the need to name children after deceased relatives. Babies are real people, not little memorials to those who have died. They should be allowed to be themselves, and not little tributes to somebody else. Why can't the deceased person be remembered for who they were, and this new little person be whoever they are?

If you really don't understand it then don't make comments like that.

That statement is thoughtless at best and has the potential to hurt a lot of people who have named their children after their loved ones.

I gave two of my children their brother and sisters names as middle names, one of my children has also changed his name and chosen to commemorate his brother in his name too, I fully understand my children are real people and not 'little tributes' thanks very much.

I wouldn't do this to
My sister in law, it's cruel.
If you do it, don't expect her to speak to you. Surely there's another name?!?

What about Leon?

It's not precious - to whoever said my point was precious.

Meeting random man in Joe Public with your Dear Departed Dad's name is way different from having a new Family Child with that name, but it's not your son.

Can't workout how you are related to this sister-in-law. She can't be your brother's wife/partner, otherwise the deceased father would be your deceased father too. And she can't be your husband's sister, otherwise that would be your deceased FIL.

Just a bit mixed up here. Or have I misread something? I'm not the sharpest knife in the box, I'm afraid.

Try to imagine how you will feel in 5 years.

You will still know SIL in 5 years, because she is family.

Will you feel upset and resentful if your 5 year old has the "wrong" name?

Or will you get over it?

Will you and her have a difficult and strained relationship if you do use the name?

Or will she get over it?

If neither of you would get over it, which scenario is worse, in your opinion?

Husband's sister's partner (of 18 months), 2kids. No relationship to op at all, really.

This is your husband's sister. She just can't use the same name as one of your DCs, so if you do name your DS Leo, then she would be unable to use it and her DP wouldn't be able to name his DS after his dad.

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of the situation, that would mean that your DS2 would be the cause of upset and tension within the family. Even if SIL and her DP don't stay together long term, the pain might remain and your DS2's birth won't be just remembered as a happy event in your DH's family, but also the reason your SIL fell out with you.

Don't do that over a name that doesn't matter enough for you to not call it your DS1 as you had a friend with the name.

Would Leon work? Pop over to 'baby names' and say "I like Leo and [DC1's name] but can't use either, what would you suggest?" and see what other ideas they come up with.

Don't give your DS a name that will cause conflict.

Call your baby Leo. Have Leon or Leonardo or something on the birth cert and if they have a boy later down the line they can still call it Leo and they could just refer to your Leo as the full version perhaps?
I definitely don't think it's about being cruel. My sibling's kids have the same names as other close members of the family but no one has said a word.

I wouldn't, if only for the sentimentality it has to them. That coupled with the fact she has specifically asked you not to, would make it a bit of a dick move. May have been different if you'd spoken up at the time she mentioned it, but now... No.

I do empathise, I found it so hard to agree with DH on a name (going through it again now with a kitten), but surely you can find another name?