DH wants a middle name for our DS, but I don't... Who gets the final say?

[DishwasherWater]

This is beginning to be very frustrating. We are just going around in circles.

FIL has been saying to DH that he can't wait for our son to share his name. I always say that we haven't decided on anything yet (although we have chosen his first name).

We got married and I wanted to keep my surname, so we double barrelled. It's very long and are surname versions of names.

Think: Matthews-Jacobson

So there's already 2 names there.

We have decided on Alexander, so that's a long name in itself.

Alexander Matthews-Jacobson is plenty, IMHO and I really don't want him to have a middle name. Yes, I know that he could have a really long name, but I don't want that. I have a middle name and so does DH but we only had a single name lastname. Also, if his future partner (if he has one) wants to keep their surname, then he has room to put something in the middle (e.g. Moving one of the last names to the middle, so he'll have the middle name Matthew, for example).

I'm unsure who gets the final say to be honest? As we both feel strongly about it.

Is your DH feeling strongly about it because of FIL or does it want it regardless?

Nobody really ever uses their middle name so I don't think it matters in terms of the name being to long so if that's the only reason you don't want it then it's not a strong argument. I wouldn't over think what he'll do when he's older either.

If your dh feels strongly about wanting to give his fathers name as a middle name then I would go with it and I say that as someone who didn't give middle names to either dc (much to both their annoyance!)

To be honest, what harm can a middle name do? No-one ever says the whole name. And it seems a bit excessive to be considering a potential future partner who wants to retain her/his surname, requiring a double-barrel situation.

It's seems a shame to let this become a big deal.

But I don't understand why he should get what he wants I know middle names don't mean much, so why bother!? I really don't want him to have one, as there are two masculine names in his surname. I know people might not understand, but I really don't want him to have a middle name. Also, his dad's name? my dad has passed, so if we were to give him a sentimental middle name, I'd hope it would be the one who has passed away, IYSWIM? His dad's name really isn't nice and I don't like it at all that may sound selfish, but while I love his name right now, if his dad's name was put in, is cringe a little...

I'm not sure, I think it is the pressure of his dad, but I think his dad is only being like it because it's the first grandchild and DH has his grandad's name.

What's the harm in just letting him make his father happy? It's not like he has to have it tattooed on his face. It's a nice thing to have a middle name IMO and as you said, first grandchild. I bet FIL is proud as punch.

Middle names rarely if ever get used so if your dh feels strongly about it then I'd probably defer.

Neither of mine have middle names because they're pretty pointless imho. My dh is of the same opinion on this issue.

That said I feel apathy about the issue rather than a strong conviction and it was hard enough to find one name we both liked and agreed on!

And yes, you do sound selfish.

To be honest, I suppose my DH's argument is slightly biased, as the majority of people have middle names oh well, I guess he'll get what he wants then

Mrs - he is funnily enough my son too.

Well, ultimately if you both feel strongly and can't convince the other through reasoned discussion, then you are going to have to agree to toss a coin / draw lots.

You make it sound like a battle rather than a negotiation.

If you don't like his dad's name then that's a good reason to say no to that one but you do seem a little bit precious about your reasons.

Do you generally get on well with your dh and compromise equally?

I'm sorry to come across like my points aren't good, but I thought saying I just hated it, is rather selfish, the other points are little reasons I have too.

Yes, we reason very well about things. Had no issue compromising on a first name/other life choices we have made as a couple.

We were the opposite, I wanted one as all my family have them, DH didn't as he doesn't have one and said middle names aren't important.
We decided the day DS was born, it just didn't matter to me once he arrived so he has no middle name. No regrets

I don't think you sound selfish to be honest. But if you do or don't have a middle name for him it's your choice, for your son. It's really not for your FIL to tell you your son is having his name.

Can you go for a one syllable name as a compromise? Ben, max, James etc. (Personally I think Alexander James sounds lovely!)

I don't have a middle name and it makes me really very sad. Let him have his Grandad's name.

I think hating a name is the very best reason not to use it.

We always had a veto on baby names. Possibly why it took us so long to find one name we both liked..!

I suppose I'm wondering if your main objection is the "little reasons" or if it's just that you don't like his dad's name? If he had a nice name would you care so much?

Why are you calling op selfish? That's out of line.

This is the same as any other name discussion, DH's choice is his dad's name, which op doesn't like. OP's choice is I.e . No middle name.

The usual compromise is to keep looking until there's a name you both like. Op, if the name was a short one, like Sam or Tom or George, would that work for you?

Your FIL has had his children and could have given them his name so his opinion doesn't really matter. You'll have to come to some sort of agreement with your dh though. If he really insists is there a variation of FILS name you could use.

Does your DH have his grandad's name as a middle name? Is this a tradition in his family?

If it was a lovely name, I might be a little more inclined to agree, but only by about 5%! Even with a one syllable middle name, it's really difficult to say the whole name, I stumble every time I know it isn't said a lot, but because of the 5 syllable last name it is a bit

His dad's name is Ian and it makes me think of all different types of people I have come across. As much as my FIL is lovely, the name isn't (IMHO) it also doesn't fit in with the whole name

A middle name is really not worth you working yourself up over.
If you can't agree now drop it and discuss it on the day you have to register your child. It's a minuscule issue. Please remember that Your opinion is no more important than your partners!

Tell him you are happy to compromise and have a middle name of your choice.

Jean I know it isn't, but his isn't any more important than mine either?

No, it isn't a tradition, yes he has his grandfather's name in the middle, but I have my Grandmother's, no one else in his family or mine have family names, so I definitely wouldn't call it a tradition.

Is this about your DS having any middle name or is it about him having your FIL's name? Because if this is simply abouf him having 'any' middle name I'd simply advice you to give him a very short one. Although your arguments against having a middle name do make sense.

If it's about FIL's name... First of all I think FIL's comments are very presumptive. I'm not sure how I'd deal with somebody expecting DD to be named after them, but I think you've been handling it very gracefully. And some people feel very strongly about naming kids after relatives. My father for example simply refused to use a name of any relative he or my mother personally knew/ever met, which I'm honestly grateful for, being somehow named after my great grandmother already felt like some sort of 'obligation' (like it defined me) and I refuse to name DD after a still living relative in any way...
I'm not sure if I'm making sense. But I personally would have issues with naming DD after a living relative (whether it's a first or 2nd name).

Not sure if this helped, I'm probably just rambling. Good luck!

I'd also leave it for a bit.

But judging by past pregnancies, when having the discussion to drop it for a bit, I would snarl "there's no fucking way we're calling this baby Ian! Not even as a middle name!". To let dh know in advance not to get his hopes up about that

I'm not very good at being pregnant.