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Baby names

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Original poster

DH wants a middle name for our DS, but I don't... Who gets the final say?

101 replies

DishwasherWater · 26/06/2016 22:26

This is beginning to be very frustrating. We are just going around in circles.

FIL has been saying to DH that he can't wait for our son to share his name. I always say that we haven't decided on anything yet (although we have chosen his first name).

We got married and I wanted to keep my surname, so we double barrelled. It's very long and are surname versions of names.

Think: Matthews-Jacobson

So there's already 2 names there.

We have decided on Alexander, so that's a long name in itself.

Alexander Matthews-Jacobson is plenty, IMHO and I really don't want him to have a middle name. Yes, I know that he could have a really long name, but I don't want that. I have a middle name and so does DH but we only had a single name lastname. Also, if his future partner (if he has one) wants to keep their surname, then he has room to put something in the middle (e.g. Moving one of the last names to the middle, so he'll have the middle name Matthew, for example).

I'm unsure who gets the final say to be honest? As we both feel strongly about it.

OP posts:

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123beanie · 26/06/2016 23:39

I agree with you OP. I think it probably would be a bit of a mouthful!

Alibobbob · 26/06/2016 23:41

Who chose the babies first name? If you did would you compromise and have Ian as a middle name?

We are rubbish at making decisions here so would probably toss a coin - best out of 3.

Biscuitbrixit · 26/06/2016 23:48

You fil's opinion shouldn't even come in to the discussion. It's not his child.
Neither of my children have a middle name as my dh felt that, due to having a long surname, their names would be long enough without one. I wasn't fussed either way.
In fact, my ds(6) asked me recently why he doesn't have a middle name and we told him that if he wants one then he is free to choose one. His middle name is now ironman

2nds · 26/06/2016 23:53

I wonder if he will drop a surname when he's older and if he does maybe he'd have liked to have had a middle name?

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/06/2016 00:03

i don't understand why he should get what he wants you say this twice - do you even like him? Why is it such a bad thing?!

Can't see your problem at all. You created enough trouble for the kid by double barrelling his name (I always think it's so selfish to lumber a child with a double barrel for parental vanity) now you want to deny him a middle name which pretty much all the other kids will have. I remember a girl at school who was the only one without a middle name and she made one up for herself because she hated being the odd one out.

Can sympathise with not liking the actual name though!! I think you should be allowed a veto on those grounds unless it's a really long tradition or in memory of someone.

Original poster

DishwasherWater · 27/06/2016 00:09

Why are you bashing double-barrelled surnames? it has nothing to do with vanity ffs.

It's because there are only female grandchildren and I didn't want my last name to die out? what's so bad about that?

Of course I like him, I'm just stating that I don't understand why he should get what he wants over me and it would be the same if I was on the other end of it, so it's not to do with me being precious.

Bloody hell.

OP posts:

RedLarvaYellowLarva · 27/06/2016 00:11

Ian is not my cup of tea, but how about Fabian?! Fab Ian! FIL would surely love being told he is thought of as fab! And I genuinely love Fabian.
There are loads of names that have -ian in them if you don't like Fabian ... ta-da!
Regarding the d-b surname, I had one growing up (dumped it upon marrying), and I have a long first name and a two-syllable middle name. I quite liked having a lovely long name! Plus you don't really use the middle name day to day.

I do get where you are coming from re the compromise - it's not a compromise, is it - one person will get their way, and one won't. I wanted two middle names for my DC but DH didn't. As he came from a family of no middle names, even one was a bit of a stretch for him. We ended up with just one mn per child, and I am a bit sad I didn't get my way, though they both have my preferred first names, so he gave me that, and that to me was better than getting two middle names for them. So perhaps, if you love your child's first name, conceding a middle name would be nice?

Good luck!

Genvonklinkerhoffen · 27/06/2016 00:14

He could always have part of the double barrelled bit as a middle name. Far less pretentious.

Scoopmuckdizzy · 27/06/2016 00:21

I think the OP is being given a hard time here.

If this was about surname everyone would be encouraging her to make sure the baby had her surname. She's double barrelled the surname and that's been called vanity?

Can you suggest your father's name as a middle name and see how your partner feels about that? Perhaps if he isn't keen it will give him an idea of how you're feeling about FIL's name.

OlennasWimple · 27/06/2016 00:27

Of a the things to argue and make a stand about, this really isn't the one to go for.

Give him a middle name but make it one you both agree on. You need never use it if you don't want to

GameOfGroans · 27/06/2016 00:27

Good idea scoop I was about to suggest the same. OP I agree with you, and think it is very unfair that FIL is expecting you to give the baby his name. He had his chance when naming his own children!

Jackkac · 27/06/2016 00:28

Alexander Ian Matthews-Jacobson sounds like a dreadful name anyway. Why not scrap the whole thing and start again?

Original poster

DishwasherWater · 27/06/2016 00:41

Jack erm... I don't want Ian?

Thank you to the people sticking up for me. I don't understand why some people feel the need to be nasty about it

I guess the bottom line is, a compromise is a middle name, which is what I didn't want. So if that the only compromise (which it probably is) we might as well go with Ian. I will mention my Dad's name, and see what he says though.

Well, to those saying that he will feel left out. I disagree as he will have the double barrelled surname which has 2 names included so it's like he has two extra names anyway! Which is the reason I thought a middle name was also not a good idea.

OP posts:

monkeywithacowface · 27/06/2016 00:49

I've changed my mind and actually don't think you should agree to a middle name that you dislike.

purplefox · 27/06/2016 01:10

Don't agree on using a name you don't like just because of other people and just because its a middle name it doesn't mean its any less important.

My ex forced family names into my children's middle names. DD has 2 middle names and one is so horrid and out of place from her other two names I cringed every time it was mentioned. I regret not standing up for myself. DS has two middle names, he thinks he only has one as I hate the association with the other name my ex chose (some random family member I'd never met which he included to please his mother).

AtiaoftheJulii · 27/06/2016 01:22

I don't have a middle name and I couldn't give a shit I rather like having a short, neat and tidy name.

So:

I don't think anyone needs a middle name.
Ian is not an appealing name, imo.
FIL making assumptions and telling you what your son will be called would piss me off no end, and I wouldn't use his name out of sheer bloodymindedness on principle.

Filosofikal · 27/06/2016 01:26

I think middle names are pointless unless your first name and surname are really common.
I don't like naming kids after anyone, they get a family surname already.
I think Ian is quite nice and the best thing about it is that it's sort.

YANBU but neither Is your DH. However Your FIL is being VERY unreasonable and precious. He needs to butt out of getting involved in naming your child.

nooka · 27/06/2016 01:28

Alexander Ian sounds fine to me, a long first name balanced by a short middle name works well. However names should be agreed by both parents, so if you don't like Ian you don't like Ian. Having said that I really don't understand your very strong feelings about middle names, you've not really given any reason except that you think the whole name is too long. Surely so long as the whole name works (ie it has a nice rhythm) then it's not really that big a deal?

OP presumably you and your dh are also using the double-barrelled surname, do you both have very short names perhaps and so having a first and middle name is OK in your mind?

1horatio · 27/06/2016 07:21

I don't get the issue with the double-barrelled surname, what's the problem with that? If I cared more about my last name (which I don't, not even my dad does, it's so common) I'd want DD to have a double
-barelled name...

And Alexander has so many nns. If your DS doesnt like Alexander there's Alec, Alex, Lex, Xander or he could even call himself 'Jacob' or 'Mathew' (I think to you did mention that the surnames are very fist-nameish)...
My two (half) brothers and I don't have middle names. I simply invented middle names for me when I was younger (I had fun doing that) whereas they have never seemed to care...

And if you don't like the name Ian I would not advise you to chose it as a middle name. Unless DH doesn't like the name Alexander.

1horatio · 27/06/2016 07:23

I personally think you and your DH should find a compromise.

YellowDinosaur · 27/06/2016 08:10

Dh and I had this same debate when I was pregnant with ds1. I don't have a middle name and wished I had one when I was a child (although I couldn't give a shit now). He has one and thinks it's a waste of time. In the end he got his was because we couldn't find another name we agreed on.

I agree that you need to find a compromise. And that fil making presumptions would make me even more inclined not to use his name, even if it was something less shit than Ian.

Plus, if he asks of your baby will have his name you could say 'yes of course, matthews / jacobson'

joellevandyne · 27/06/2016 08:35

I guess the problem with "why should he get his way" is that the reverse applies. Why should you get yours?

It's a situation where you have two opposed desires, so the only possible solutions are a) accept that one person 'wins' with good grace, or find another solution that both can accept.

You could dig your heels on and insist that you win, in which case one person will be happy. Or you could let your DH 'win' in which case two people will be happy. Or you could find a compromise in which everyone is mildly dissatisfied.

To me, the choice is obvious.

NameChange30 · 27/06/2016 09:10

This thread is irritating. People calling the OP "selfish" for having an opinion about what names to give her child and saying that double-barrelled surnames are vain and pretentious So much for women supporting other women and their choices!

I think double-barrelled surnames are fair and equal. If the child has a surname from each side of the family, there is no need to use a family member's name as a middle name - unless both parents want to, of course. But if the couple is just using one surname from the father's side, I do think there is an argument for using a middle name from the mother's side.

In this case, I think the FIL is selfish and entitled for assuming you will use his name. I agree that it's not fair to use his name and not your own father's name for example.

I agree with the PPs who suggested compromising and picking a short middle name that you both like (which is from neither side of the family). The whole name would still be quite long but you wouldn't have to use the middle name anywhere other than the birth certificate and passport.

How fixed are you on Alexander? Just thinking a two-syllable first name might be better if you can find one you like. Then you'd get away with a middle name more easily.

desperatelyseekingcaffeine · 27/06/2016 09:21

I can see exactly where you're coming from OP. We picked our son's first name with no family connections just loved it. 4 syllable name so quite long but we havea short surname. We then chose 2 short middle names one from my side and one was my husbands uncle who had died (maternal side). Assumed this would please everyone but no!

My FIL kicked off hugely after the birth that there was no name from his side. Went as far as threatening to cut baby/us out of inheritance. I initially refused as I didn't like the name and didn't want to be bullied into it. Eventually he apologised but laid a guilt trip on my husband who asked me if I'd reconsider. I did agree to it but on the grounds we only then used his first middle name (from my side) unless necessary to give all 3.

I'm still not sure if that was the right decision but FIL sadly died so I feel less aggreived over it now.

Good luck whatever you decide.

RedLarvaYellowLarva · 27/06/2016 10:07

IF you are going for a middle name, please choose something that you love, not a 1960's old man name which also belongs to a family member. I can't stand family middle names. What if you fall out with FIL?! Son stuck with his name forever.
Pick something that is fresh. Though I still like my Fabian idea!

To add. My brothers don't have middle names (and have a d-b surname) and I know both felt a bit hard done by growing up that they didn't have a mn. So that, despite a three-syllable first name and a long surname, they BOTH did still want a middle name.

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