DH wants a middle name for our DS, but I don't... Who gets the final say?

[DishwasherWater]

This is beginning to be very frustrating. We are just going around in circles.

FIL has been saying to DH that he can't wait for our son to share his name. I always say that we haven't decided on anything yet (although we have chosen his first name).

We got married and I wanted to keep my surname, so we double barrelled. It's very long and are surname versions of names.

Think: Matthews-Jacobson

So there's already 2 names there.

We have decided on Alexander, so that's a long name in itself.

Alexander Matthews-Jacobson is plenty, IMHO and I really don't want him to have a middle name. Yes, I know that he could have a really long name, but I don't want that. I have a middle name and so does DH but we only had a single name lastname. Also, if his future partner (if he has one) wants to keep their surname, then he has room to put something in the middle (e.g. Moving one of the last names to the middle, so he'll have the middle name Matthew, for example).

I'm unsure who gets the final say to be honest? As we both feel strongly about it.

Total derail from the original question, but what an odd statement this is

So much for women supporting other women and their choices!

What kind of thinking is that???
Anything I make a decision on in life, is about the decision to be taken - I would argue for what I believe to be 'right' or 'the best solution to the issue', not because other women were voting one way. Do people seriously do that? Side with one side of a discussion/debate because there are women arguing on that side ? Why is a woman's preference any more 'right' than a man's ?

BackForGood

It's not about picking sides, it's about supporting the OP to find a solution that she and her husband will both be happy with.

As a woman I like to SUPPORT OTHER WOMEN which is why I'm on mumsnet in the first place. This sometimes involves challenging them or telling them that I disagree or think they're in the wrong. It does not involve calling them selfish, vain or pretentious.

If you want to pick sides and kick an OP when she's down, there's always AIBU.

I hate it when that attitude creeps into the other boards.

As I say - not about the decision over a middle name (can't get worked up over that ) - it is a complete derail, but I didn't want to start a TAAT.
I offer 'help' or 'support' (or, on MN, just 'opinion' much of the time - which of course everyone is free to ignore or to argue with) to anyone who needs it - so 'people' not just women. I like to help / support PEOPLE, not just 1/2 the population.

I know OP!

Tell your DP that you agreed on a first name, picked one other name each (the d-b) so he can swap his surname pick for a middle name pick if he likes. See what he says!

I was going to suggest your fathers name too.

Personally I love middlenames all mine have a mn where we have named them after a loved family member (Past and present) to me it is special and I know the children like knowing they are named after someone.

However having said that. If I had hated the name I would not have agreed to it (with the possible exception of ds' mn as he is named after dh's brother who was killed in a car crash so I may have caved there) However for the other 3 had I not liked the name it would not have happened.

There is no compromise here. Either your dh gets a mn (and dh "wins") or he doesnt get a MN (and you " win") Personally I would find the closest compromise and say " ok a mn but NOT Ian" and find one you both like. Your father or how about your or dh's grandfathers? Any good names there?

My 4 have 4 names each. Not once have any of them commented that they minded (not double barreled I will hasten to say) I have always liked having a MN even if mine is desperatly oldfashioned and unheard of in the UK. Doesnt matter to me.

Stick Ian in there, you don't even have to announce it. Tell FIL it is in there and on the birth cert or whatever, but, just announce him as the names you want to use to everyone else.

I would not have it. But if you must, how about Alex instead of Alexander?

Give him a short middle name then?

A great compromise would be to scrap DPs surname and give yours only, but add in Ian as a middle name. That way, baby doesn't have a ridiculously long name, but there is still a name from both sides of the family.

I have a feeling your DP is unlikely to go for this, but it's a pretty good compromise in my view.

Maybe you could compromise and get rid of your double-barrelled surname (DH takes your surname or you take his) - that would shorten it.

I think the compromise would be to say yes to a middle name but no to Ian. Choose a middle name you're both happy with.

Or how about:

Alexander [YourDad'sName] Ian Matthews-Jacobson.

If you're going for a long name I say really go for it. I have a friend whose name is the equivalent of:

George Johan Vincent Jacobs Van Houten

I'm always rather jealous that as well as his double-barrelled surname he has two middle names as his long name is rather fine.

It also means Ian gets a little more lost and is much less part of the name.

You say you chose to have a double barrel surname. So let dh chose to give his/your son a middle name.

Not like a middle name is generally used much anyway, so can't really see the angst behind bit having one.

Why would you feel "strongly" about a name he'll rarely use?

Just let him have a middle name.

All my kids have four names, no matching on syllables or sounds as I loathe that.

I have an eight syllable name as does my youngest, my husband only four.

Hulababy I think they both chose to have a double-barrelled surname, because both wanted to give their surname to their child.

I've just given my baby DS 3 middle names - including my FILs name. Which isn't a name I would ever have chosen, but it made DH and his dad very very happy indeed. I'm sorry, I haven't read the whole thread but seeing as middle names aren't used often, where is the harm in conceding on this one and making someone else happy?

(One of his middle names is my maiden name as we didnt want to double barrel.)

I don't have a middle name, and also have a very populence (in my age group) first name. I felt really deprived, so much so that I considered changing my name by deed poll. I would give your child a middle name.

our kids aren;t double barrelled but they all got three christian names and another one when they were confirmed.

Ian is horrible OP, I don't blame you. But isn't Ian the Scottish version of 'John' ?

Could you use John instead and that way it's still a tribute to the FIL.

I just had to google that scarlett I thought there was no way that Ian is the Scottish version of John, but it is?! you learn something new everyday!

It is v presumptious of fil to assume you will use his name. I wouldn't want my baby to be named after any of our parents, or a living relative, it would feel too close.

I have a long name and I do find it irritating, I have to record it (including middle names) surprisingly often on official forms, and I think it sounds quite pretentious- I wish my parents had given me a shorter name. So I do think there is value in avoiding a middle name.

Given how long the rest of the name appears to be (I know the surnames are just examples), I hardly see how adding a small three letter name like Ian, suddenly makes it too much of a mouthful!

I have a double-barrelled surname and two middle names, has never caused me any problems whatsoever, and if it kept some old relative happy back in the year dot that is enough to pay for its keep in my view.

We did the old one-middle-name-from-each-side-of-the-family thing. Can't say I am thrilled by either of ds' middle names, but it meant a lot to two people who would be important to him as he grew up and that seemed worth doing.

Interestingly enough, he quite likes them and has at times said he prefers them to his first name (lovingly selected by me ).

Dd also went through a phase where she wanted to use one or other of her middle names (hideously old-fashioned in my view and the kind I would never have chosen in a hundred years but both after loved relatives) rather than the name I chose for her.