DH wants a middle name for our DS, but I don't... Who gets the final say?

[DishwasherWater]

This is beginning to be very frustrating. We are just going around in circles.

FIL has been saying to DH that he can't wait for our son to share his name. I always say that we haven't decided on anything yet (although we have chosen his first name).

We got married and I wanted to keep my surname, so we double barrelled. It's very long and are surname versions of names.

Think: Matthews-Jacobson

So there's already 2 names there.

We have decided on Alexander, so that's a long name in itself.

Alexander Matthews-Jacobson is plenty, IMHO and I really don't want him to have a middle name. Yes, I know that he could have a really long name, but I don't want that. I have a middle name and so does DH but we only had a single name lastname. Also, if his future partner (if he has one) wants to keep their surname, then he has room to put something in the middle (e.g. Moving one of the last names to the middle, so he'll have the middle name Matthew, for example).

I'm unsure who gets the final say to be honest? As we both feel strongly about it.

It isn't a competition to see if your views are more important than his. They're equally valid.
No one gets called by their full name
He will be called by his first name/surname.

So on that basis I would give him a "middle" name which will only ever be used on the passport anyway.

If you don't like the idea of a middle name, then once you've announced the birth you never have to use it again apart from the occasional form. I would just let DH have it if it's really that important to him.

As somebody else said, a compromise would be using a short name you both like. It doesn't have to be a decision between FIL's name or no middle name at all...

I can see where you're coming from, I think his name is long enough and adding in a middle name just for FIL's sake isn't for me.

Does your DH really want to or is it just the pressure from FIL?
I wouldn't be happy, if the name went and was a nice name I'd say go for it.

But for example: Alexander James Matthews-Jacobson, really is a mournful.

The three names sound just right to me, I don't think it's selfish to want to name your child how you wish.

I feel like a lot of posters do seem to be favouring DHs and FILs opinions but you have every right to your opinion too.
Get DH to read out the name aloud and see if it sounds daft or too much.

I suppose you'll just have to keep discussing it and see who it is most important to!

Posters are saying it isn't the end of the world for your DS to have a middle name, but it's equally not the end of the world for the baby to have no middle name at all!

Is your FIL's assumption that your son will have his name galling you? It is rather cheeky.

Just another perspective. My partner has a first name that is attached to quite a controversial bad person. It wasn't when he was born but happened since. He has no middle name and seriously considered changing it but couldn't pick a new name as an adult. His mum almost gave him a middle name and she really regrets not doing so as it would give him another option. I would if i were you. I have a middle name and only once in a while have to put it on a form, it makes no difference to me and it wouldn't to your child.

Of course not dishwasher but your posts were reading very much like you were just expecting to get your way, why? You both need to hear each other. I would advise you to pick your battles, and wait until baby is here.

I'd be soo mad if MIL just expected DD to be named after her. It's really rude.

I don't have a middle name.. I feel like my mum and dad couldn't be bothered to think of one as they struggled with a first name.. I always felt different and odd as a child.

Gertrude - I know that would annoy me so much if I were the OP, the assumption itself and the pressure to go ahead with it wouldn't sit well with me! As a suggestion from DH alone would be fine.

I've got no advice at all really but just wanted to say I don't think you're selfish or precious at all. Your reasons are just as valid as his and if you don't like the name, you don't like it- regardless of it being his dad's. My sister always says that babies should have their own names and not be named after someone else anyway!

When I was pregnant, my partner mentioned he would love to name him after his grandad, "0oh what was his name?" I asked, hopeful it might be a cool, vintage name... "Barry" came the response and if was immediately vetoed! You shouldn't feel pushed into it for sentimentality reasons and your husband certainly isn't being swayed by the sentimentality of your dad is he??

As PP have said, middle names are rarely used so a compromise might be to agree he can have a middle name as long as it is one that you both "like".

(Also, maybe wait til he's born, I've just changed my sons middle name to a name that my partner suggested all along (not Barry!) and i vetoed through pregnancy but now love)

You're not horrible or selfish and I'm sure your husband isn't either. It's just a tricky one to resolve but I hope you do.

Sorry, definitely don't expect to get my way I'd just like us to both be happy, not just DH, sorry if it sounds like I just want my way. Not at all.

Thank you all for the comments, they're all very helpful. I'm glad some of you see where I'm coming from too
I don't know really, I don't want him to have a middle name, as it really is a mouthful, very difficult to say, even with middle names like James/George/Jack, etc. but Ian is horrendous, IMHO.

Alexander Ian Matthews-Jacobson makes the whole name not sound as nice. Especially as the last names had more 'I' sounds than the examples.

I think we will leave it for a bit then and hopefully both have time to have a think about it

I dislike the name Ian, so I wouldn't use it. It also doesn't seem to fit the name, iyswim?

If both you and your DH are adamant, then the best thing to do in this situation is to compromise. Give your ds a middle name, but either one that you choose, or one you both agree on.

My children have five names each, which is clearly a lot. But they only use two day to day (first name plus one surname). The names are all significant. I'm glad they have them (though they may not be so keen when it comes to form filling when they are adults). At the moment they are glad they have them. They like the stories behind the names. They may want to ditch some of them when they are older. That's fine.

To be honest, I get the not liking of a name much more than simply refusing a middle name when it's not something that will be regularly used. I'd just try and find a compromise rather than you both sticking rigidly to your position.

Does his dad have a middle name that is more to your taste? Does your DH have a middle name?

You will figure it out, at least you agree on a first name!!!

Ian does have the advantage of being short.

But surely it doesn't have to be Ian or nothing, especially if you dislike Ian as a name? Would there be room for compromise on a short name you do like?

When has anyone, ever, read out your entire name to you? When does that happen? Never. I bet you don;t know the middle names, or if they have them, of anyone you know. So it sounds too long is not much of an objection.

Ian...? What about John, Ivan, Ivo or Jo for example? These are versions of Ian.
Alexander Ivan is nice imo. If you were to like on of the many many versions of Ian this could be a compromise everybody's happy with?
Anyhow, good luck!!

I think it's interesting that there's a few posters on here that are a little unhappy that they don't have a middle name. I swap my name round for the odd thing & I love having the choice.

My dad doesn't have a middle name & he really feels a bit as to why he doesn't have one. Think he thinks his parents couldn't be bothered either as a pp mentioned.

My brother hated his first name with a passion. When he was old enough he started using his middle name as his name.

Hodooooooooor - my entire name was read out at my wedding. But that's about the only time.

If it helps at all...I have 3 middle names - maternal grandmother, paternal grandmother and my dad's original surname (adopted by his stepfather).

I almost never use any of them, they're there on my BC but nowhere else.

When has anyone, ever, read out your entire name to you? When does that happen? Never

Yesterday, when on the phone to my bank and going through security
I've had my full name read out in hospital waiting rooms
When you get your degree
When you get married
When there are others in the same group with same 1st and last names (OK, not so likely with OP's other name decisions)
When you are being told off by your mother

The only person I can think of who's unhappy about not having a middle name has a sibling with a middle name.

So she's got a bit of a chip on her shoulder about her parents giving her sibling a middle name but not bothering to give her one. I suspect the lack of middle name wouldn't bother her if her parents had been consistent about whether to use them among all their children.

Only if you've given your middle names to the hospital, the university etc etc. I never had my middle names read out for any of my degrees, or any hospital, I don't think even at my wedding as far as I recall, though I could be wrong there.