name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

[Comingroundthemountain]

So we have decided a boys name if our baby is a boy. It is the name of a not first cousin I had (I think we share a great grandparent) who died last year unexpectedly in a car crash. I didn't really know this cousin - I met him maybe half a dozen times at weddings and funerals etc. It isn't an uncommon name - top 20 at moment. It is the name dh and I both like and we wouldn't be naming them after this cousin.

But, I am Facebook friends with the mum of the cousin who died and she clearly is deep in grief, She posts about him every day putting pics of him up frequently and an aunt who is close to her says she is not coping very well.

We have pretty much decided this is the name we will use. But I don't want the cousin's mum to feel awful when we announce it to everyone in due course, if we have a boy. I don't really have a relationship with her beyond being Facebook friends - and don't even have her phone number. Do you think I should somehow let her know after the baby is born before announcing to everyone - perhaps asking the aunt who is close to her to let her know first? Is it awfully insensitive to use the name at all? I don't want to tell them in advance because a) we may not even have a boy and b) I am not asking their permission.

OP

You seem set on using the name despite the near unanimity on this thread.

Look at it another way.

You go ahead. You use the name. You are very happy because it's a name you love. You can rationalize it because you are not close to your aunt.

But.....do you want the first few weeks of your son's life to be surrounded with shock and surprise and hurt from wider members of your family? Do you want to know you are the source of that hurt? How will you feel if someone from your family rings you up and tells you how you have hurt your distant aunt? Or there's a flurry of posts of FB about it?

You will probably be in a post partum haze of hormones, elation mixed with worry (most mums feel poleaxed by emotion in the first few weeks). Factor in potential family discord to the mix...or just choose another name.

OP you just come back and say you've changed your mind so people can stop posting. Or else how do I get it out of my 'threads I'm on' section as the mass hysteria is starting to piss me off.

Just be a bit less hysterical Whoknew and hide it

If someone could tell me how using the mobile version if be grateful. I can't see the option on the drop down bit.

At the top of the thread, next to the topic name, there's a downwards arrow in a round circle. touch that. There's the option to hide

Doh!! You're right, there is! Thank you!

Where's the "like" button on here?

It doesn't matter if the cousin who died is an adult- the mother is still grieving for her child and that would be awfully hard for her. There are a lot
Of boys names out there- in your position I would pick another.

A child is ALWAYS the mothers baby no matter how old.
My OH wanted to name our son after his dad who suddenly died a few years ago I said no. It wouldn't be fair for my son to live up to the name and also I didn't want his family upset. I told his sister this and she was grateful. She said she never would have said anything but it would have been too much for her.
The mothers feelings are enough for you not to use the name. Not forgetting there will be other members of the family you will be hurting.

Please reconsider. You are not portraying yourself in a positive light.
Bereaved parents and relatives have shared their stories with you, which most likely caused them a lot of pain please don't ignore them.

I told my mum about this thread and asked how she would feel if someone made this request. She's in the same position as OP's relative. She said she'd be really touched if a cousin used DB's name for a new baby, it would give a sense of continuity through the generations, and she'd be pleased that Db was remembered by the wider family. That's her perspective from inside her experience of grief. Clearly other people would feel differently. You can't assume, either way.

But Jolly - that's assuming the name is used to enable remembrance. The OP is clear that's not why she would use it. She wants to use it because she wants the name and wants it disassociated from the dead relative. That's exactly what the problem is.

Indeed, Northern

OP's original idea of telling the parents rather than asking them, was insensitive. Also probably best to avoid saying that they just like the name and it's nothing to do with feelings about her cousin.

There are lots of names to choose from!
My children all have compromise names because DH didn't like my first choice and I didn't like his choice. One name that we both liked simply didn't go with the surname. Another name we like had just been used for his cousin who was 8 months older. There are lots of reasons for not having the name you really want- just find another!

(Trigger warning)

Oh hell yes then, what's everyone fucking whining about? It's not a child everyone, just someone son, it doesn't matter, panic over. No probs. I do think the mother should fucking get over herself and stop making everyone so uncomfortable with her 'deep mourning' and all. Her son was on his 30s, so who gives a shit that he died? Suck it up and pass on any named clothes and memorabilia to the new precious little baby whilst your at it. After all parents are only parents til their child hits, um, end of school? Drinking age? Nah they aren't cute by then, maybe end of primary then? Sod the family members you've raised to adulthood, let them die and never expect a ripple, let them fade into nothing like they meant nothing to no one.

Just like I should 'get over' my sister who died as a young adult, and definitiely my dad as he lasted into his 60s before dying an early and perhaps avoidable death. Am obviously doing it wrong, thinking my family matter.

By the way my sisters school friend was pregnant when she came to the funeral, and named her daughter after my sister, when she was born, to honour my darling sisters friendship, and bond and love for her, as well as saying that she wanted her child to know the kindness and beauty my sister gave to the world, even after she'd left it. It was beautifully done and I'm blubbing thinking about it. Tbh I have no idea if they were already going to use the name or not, and I actually don't care, what I care about it that it was done sensitively, and with the basic assumption that my sister meant something to people, that she meant something to the world. That is how you behave, not 'oh get over it and while we're at it lets make it clear there's No Link at all to the dead person, we just don't care enough and want the world to know we don't care about it'

Miscellaneous

That's how and why I named my dd. I hope it was taken as the compliment it was.

Op please don't use the name. No parent should ever have to bury their child, no matter how old. I don't think anyone should do anything that could make her suffering worse.