name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

[Comingroundthemountain]

So we have decided a boys name if our baby is a boy. It is the name of a not first cousin I had (I think we share a great grandparent) who died last year unexpectedly in a car crash. I didn't really know this cousin - I met him maybe half a dozen times at weddings and funerals etc. It isn't an uncommon name - top 20 at moment. It is the name dh and I both like and we wouldn't be naming them after this cousin.

But, I am Facebook friends with the mum of the cousin who died and she clearly is deep in grief, She posts about him every day putting pics of him up frequently and an aunt who is close to her says she is not coping very well.

We have pretty much decided this is the name we will use. But I don't want the cousin's mum to feel awful when we announce it to everyone in due course, if we have a boy. I don't really have a relationship with her beyond being Facebook friends - and don't even have her phone number. Do you think I should somehow let her know after the baby is born before announcing to everyone - perhaps asking the aunt who is close to her to let her know first? Is it awfully insensitive to use the name at all? I don't want to tell them in advance because a) we may not even have a boy and b) I am not asking their permission.

Interesting thread. I would not use a name that my Mother's friend had used for her prem baby who very sadly passed away last year. We love it but I know it would inadvertently cause a huge amount of pain, so I wouldn't do it.

I guess if I'm this sensitive about someone outside of the family then I guess it makes sense that it would be insensitive in your situation. Yet it sounds as though you are far removed from this extended family member and so I wonder would the news even reach her? If you unfollowed her on Facebook for example would your Mother be announcing it to her via Xmas card? What I'm trying to say is if she won't find out via a big announcement I might be inclined to go ahead if it really is the only name you both like.

But if you didn't really know your cousin however your Mum is really close to his Mother then I'd leave it. It's not worth the upset and bad feeling it could cause.

I agree with everyone else, there is nothing so painful as losing a child and even if this was a distant friend and not even a family member, I'd feel the same. Please think about using another name. No one else has thought about the impact on your child if they have this name and by getting that name has caused any upset or sadness in the family. I wouldn't want my DS to have this to carry all his life.

OP I think you've got the message, but you might find this thread helpful:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2476120-Asking-them-not-to-use-our-baby-name-sensitive?

If you do ask the mum, please please don't tell her you wouldn't be naming the baby after your cousin. That would be incredibly hurtful.

Is it awfully insensitive to use the name at all?

Yes.

If you were doing it in tribute - with her permission - that may be different, as when she heard your son's name it would be a positive reminder. In this situation however, you sound horribly insensitive and devoid of empathy.

It is often said on MN that 'no-one owns a name' and that usually refers to the person who originally had it. In this case, I think it refers to you. You don't own that name. Choose another. This will cause too much hurt.

I wondered that Bertrand Russell, and there was a thread last week by a woman who was trying to work out how to ask other family members not to use the name of their baby who had recently died (they had kept the name private).

Let's hope OP is having a think and/or her dh who she intends to discuss the situation with introduces a bit of common sense and compassion to the proceedings.

A quick Advanced Search shows that the OP has two children already. I am not sure whether this makes her apparent selfishness more incredible or not.

Don't do it. Just don't.

The popularity of the name makes no difference, in fact, worse almost - the poor mother will be hearing her child's name everywhere.

When my sister died my cousin came to visit bringing with him his new girlfriend who had the sane name as my sister. It was 6 months after she died and I still cringe when I remember him calling out to her from another room to ask a question. You could have cut the air with a knife. I would choose another name just to avoid a situation like that if it came up. I still find myself a bit thrown 10 years on when someone introduces themself to me with the same name as her. She also died young in a tragic an unexpected way.

Please ignore poor grammar and spelling above. Sick with cold.

I think its insensitive to someone who is so obviously struggling.

And in answer to your question about whether you should mention it first... I think that depends on whether you want it to be a horrible, sudden shock for her when you've given birth, or whteher you want her to dread the annoucement for months in advance. That's the long and the short of it OP. Just don't use the name.

To be honest, the reaction you've had on this thread would have been enough to put me off the name. Let alone the hurt and upset it would cause people I actually know and care about

Please please don't do it.
That poor woman.

Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how it would feel if somebody did the same to you?

Hopefully Op has reconsidered.

I'd choose another name if I were you. There must be some others that you like.

Ive just posted this on another unrelated thread, but I think the same sentiment applies, "you need to consider the needs of others are sometimes greater than yours, it's not all about you". It may be hard to think like this in the bubble of pregnancy when you are thinking of a name for you child, but it isn't about you. You know how awful her grief is, you said it yourself. I'm sure you have had enough of people telling you not to do it (I hope you are reading this) but don't. I can't tell you enough how much it will hurt those who loved him, for them it's -his name, he should still be alive and he isnt, your child will just be a reminder of his absence. Don't do it!

No it is just wrong. sorry not sorry
I am a bereaved mother of stillborn twins. My sil (so a fairly close family member) recently asked ahead of time if she could have their INITIALS tattooed on her back along with my dd's and her own daughters... We (dh and i) flat out refused. We didn't get to use their names but she thought that she could use them as part of a design that she couldn't even see herself... It is absolutely disrespectful. It doesn't matter how close or far apart you are to the grieving family member... You are AWARE of his mothers grief. You are aware of what this would cause.

Tbh I dont think that You would've asked the question if you hadn't of been just a little bit concerned. If you do go on to use the name I would expect some repercussions.

Another one in the no camp here, I know it's frustrating OP but please keep looking. You could probably give it as a middle name if you love it that much.

Sorry but I think it's a bit insensitive to use this name and could cause upset. Yes it would be completely different if you were close and you were using the name in their honour, but to just use it because you like well. I am sorry but I would find that a total disregard, as I expect most people would.
Broaden your horizens there are umpteen names out there. Please do not choose one that will bring your relatives upset.

This is actually a really heartening thread. So many people caring and knowing the right thing to do.

Two close (immediate) family members have died in recent years. It would have killed me for this situation to have happened. Our culture ignores grief and grieving as something unpalatable and 'not normal'. Something to race through and get over it as soon as possible for the convenience of others.

It's so good to hear that people here have the compassion and kindness for a grieving mother, and it's great that people still know how to put someone else's feelings above their own.

Gives me faith in humanity.

Like buttonmoon said "you need to consider that the needs of others are sometimes greater than yours"

Thanks all for input - will take it all onboard.

Do remember this isn't aibu - I asked a question looking for responses meaning I am open to knowing what you think, and you all responded a way I didn't expect and I came back and said that, keeping the discussion going. There really is no need to round on me in what is a pretty bullying way - express your opinion, yes, I asked for that, but stop the e-shouting already.

There really is no need to round on me in what is a pretty bullying way

People having an opinion contrary to yours, and expressing it, is NOT bullying.

Perhaps this should be on billboards somewhere?

Repeat: people are disagreeing with you. Not bullying.

There's been no bullying OP.

Just because you don't like the answers given doesn't equate to "e-shouting".

You really are coming across as quite unpleasant, now.

No. You came back to say you would probably use the name anyway, and the question was whether to tell the bereaved mother before or after the event.

So people continued to tell you you were wrong. Which you are.

No you came back and said you would use it anyway, which is why so many people responded, it's not bullying, just a large number of people telling you how wrong you would be if you carried on with your plans.